We’ve been conditioned to think that most people do things unwittingly…. (But) there are too many out there who hurt us not because they’re not aware, but rather because they don’t care. Most manipulative characters know exactly what they’re doing. But they feel perfectly entitled to take advantage. In their selfishness, having their way is all that matters. ~ Dr. George Simon
Is manipulation conscious? Is the narcissist aware of what they are doing? These are questions I get a lot. I think this is both because of the conditioning Dr. Simon mentions, as well as our own resistance to believing that there are people who intentionally con and manipulate. This can be a difficult reality to get our heads around, as it is contrary to what we’ve been taught and want very much to rely on. “Be kind,” we’re told. “Everyone’s doing their best.”
But experts agree that narcissists and other toxic people are often the proverbial wolves in sheep’s clothing. They dress up their personalities to fit in, to fool us until they can take advantage — and this is absolutely conscious and intentional. The wolf can’t get into the flock of sheep if they look like what they are, and they know this. And so pretense, lying, and impression management are key tools of toxic personalities, and we can’t stop the manipulation until we recognize this for what it is and become immune to these deceptive ways.
How do we become more skilled at recognizing and being more resistant to manipulation? Well, we could become hard and cynical, doubting everyone and everything, and assuming every single person has ill-intent. But this costs us something in terms of our own joy, and is no more true than that everyone is doing their best.
I think the answer is to embrace more skepticism, while not going all the way to cynicism. I like an “eyes wide open” approach to meeting new people, especially when something important is at stake, such as intimate relationships, business dealings, or even a significant friendship.
On a practical level, time is the enemy of a manipulator, and speed is their friend. Why do they tend to move things quickly and try to get you “locked down” in some way? Because the sheepskin slips if they hang around too long without you being committed.
And so, you can avoid some pain from manipulation if you simply take your time and demand to go slow. And by the way, one red flag of a toxic personality is that they will not like this. The manipulation will often start here, with a classic boundary push to get you to move faster. They will often make the slower pace seem either like a deficiency on your part (wow, you really have some trust issues, don’t you?) or that you will seriously miss out of you don’t jump in right now, a classic con strategy.
Avoiding being conned and manipulated requires the strength to live in a bit of a paradox, on the one hand, bringing empathy and compassion to the humans around you, and on the other, learning to go slow and look more deeply at what you are being told. This means being open to the possibility that if they are indeed “doing their best” it is the best for them, not you.
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Previously Published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
