It was a very small thing, watching a robin carry a twig too big for its nest. It tried once, then twice, to use it, and somehow with its very small bird brain, it knew it was no good. It simply flew off and found another.
- Mark Nepo, “The Book of Awakening”
And yet, how often do WE hold on to a twig that we know is far too big for our nest…but instead of having the wisdom and humility to put the twig down and find a better-fitting one, we just keep trying to make that first twig fit?
I thought of all the times I’ve laboured, trying to make things too big fit. So often what we want is like that twig, too big to be of use, and we stay lodged in an unhappiness created by holding on to something that can’t complete our nest.
- Mark Nepo, “The Book of Awakening”
I once held on to a too-big twig for three years. I so wanted a relationship with a wonderful man in my life…an old friend who was divorced and raising two amazing daughters (who I am very close to), one week on and one week off with his ex-wife.
But they lived in a different city from me…in a different province. They lived in the prairies; I lived by the ocean. I loved living by the sea and had no intention of ever moving.
In fact, I loved all aspects of my life just as it was…mediation, yoga, writing, walking on the beach, traveling where and when I wanted to (pre-Covid). My life was my own and I cherished every moment of my solitude. And my freedom.
And yet…I continued to hold on to the hope that he and I would somehow end up together. And the funny thing was, he never wanted a romantic relationship with me. He told me so (twice!) and yet, for some odd reason, I still held on to that too-big twig, determined to make it fit…if he ever changed his mind.
In hindsight, this makes no sense. But the human heart is not particularly practical or rational.
So why was I fantasizing and hoping for something, when I knew, deep down, that getting it would not make me happy? Because the truth of the matter is: if I had got what I wanted—the opportunity to try and make the family-twig fit into my single life—I would have quickly realized that I didn’t really want it after all. And I would have ended up hurting all four of us!
Sometimes I wonder if my friend knew this all along…and this was a significant reason (among others) why he never opened the door to a romantic relationship between us.
In other words, even though I refused to admit his life would have been too big for my little nest, he knew he couldn’t afford to take the chance of finding out whether I was right or wrong.
Consider what you are after, what you are carrying—like a stubborn bird—that is too big to be use. Can you put your life together more thoroughly by taking up some smaller version of what you need? Something that fits?
- Mark Nepo, “The Book of Awakening”
I can, yes. I can—and have—let go of my dream of wanting a relationship with a man who has responsibilities, including raising children, that I simply cannot take on…without making significant sacrifices in my own life.
And I have taken up a smaller version of what I need: to keep all three of them in my life in some capacity. To this end, I Facetime with the girls every two weeks. We laugh and share stories about our lives. I am still a part of their life in a way that fits my life and benefits them. And I am still close with my friend, their dad.
I am thankful he had the wisdom to know that his life and responsibilities were too much for me. For many reasons, he is a good man. But not giving me what I thought I wanted was the probably the kindest thing he’s ever done for me. And that’s saying an awful lot.
I am also a lot closer to figuring out what type of twig—guy—I would like for my nest!
How about you? What twig—hope, goal, dream, fantasy, relationship—might you be stubbornly holding on to, determined to make fit into your nest/life?
Might it be time to let that go and figure out what you really want, need…and are able to handle?
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