Is There Etiquette to Drunk Texting?

Four of us girls are having dinner. We’ve all been divorced for several years. My friend’s phone pings with an unusually long message. She’s frustrated. It’s from a guy she went out to dinner with one time.

It doesn’t matter that they barely know one another, he’s not giving up.

“I’m really good at ghosting,” she says. “How does he not get the message?”

It starts a conversation.

What is giving up, and what is crossing the line?

We chat about a few people who’ve reached out to each of us. We joke about dating, attraction, and drunk texting. When is too much…too much?

I take the opportunity to confess.

I blame Catholic school for getting me every time.

“I might’ve texted a guy I no longer see,” I say.

“Colleen,” they exclaim. “What were you thinking?”

“I dunno.”

The shock on their faces tells me all I need to know. They know me. They’re surprised I would give any man that type of power in my life. Especially since I shut most men out.

“You shouldn’t have texted him,” they say. “Why would you?”

Good question.

Why did I?

“To be fair,” I say. “It was months ago and before that it had been a long time.”

“That’s even worse,” they scream.

“Really?”

“Yes! You don’t want him to think you’re still thinking about him.”

“Oh my gosh, did I cross the line from drunk texting to sober texting to stalker- ish?” I say laughing.

“Yes!”

Now we’re all laughing.

Who knew?! It’s way worse to text someone a long time after you’ve seen them even if you’re not regularly texting them.

I haven’t even thought to drunk text this guy in an eternity. I no longer care that much. But I do have a bad habit of only dating people who become my friends.

It’s the friend that I eventually miss.

Even more than than the romantic relationship.

“Well now I know,” I say. “Now I know the rules and etiquette of sober/drunk or any relationship aftermath texting. I wasn’t professing my feelings. I was just texting.”

My friends are still laughing.

“I haven’t dated since I was in college,” I say. “And I’ve long ago graduated from the drunk text. It didn’t seem like a huge deal. I have too much self-respect to chase after someone. It felt more like keeping in touch.”

My bestie looks at me and says, “Did you feel like you had lost self-respect by doing so?”

“No,” I say. “I still have a lot of F.U. in me. I’m never going to chase a man. I’m certainly not going to pursue a man who doesn’t want me. But I’ve always been someone who stays connected to the people I even once called friend.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about if you didn’t feel you did anything you wouldn’t normally do.”

It turns out there is an etiquette to drunk texting or sober texting.

Or texting a former guy or girl you once cared about.

I think I’m an anomaly.

If I date you long enough to let you into my heart it will be hard to push you out. I realize this is uncommon. I’m incredibly blessed to still be close to every man I ever dated. My ex-husband is sadly the only friendship I couldn’t hold onto.

I realize I can still be naive.

Tonight was an eye-opener.

I’m a writer. I’m a soul that needs to purge my emotions. I’m still the young girl who came home from high school and scribbled her thoughts. The pen and paper are always my eternal confidants.

I confessed my thoughts back then.

I confessed my love for the love of my life.

I’m also the girl who told him he would never have me.

I wasn’t going to give myself to a man I didn’t feel deserved me.

A man I wasn’t sure I could trust.

I guess I truly am an anomaly.

I can pour out every ounce of my heart. I can reach out to someone who once meant something to me. I can think of them. I feel things deeply. But I have a lot of moxie.

I’m never going to chase a man.

I might miss a friend in a weak moment.

But I’m my own girl.

I’m just trying to find my way after the heartache of divorce. Not unlike any person who’s experienced a severe turn in life. I realize I get myself into trouble sometimes.

It’s who I am.

I let my heart bleed.

I’m not embarrassed. This is who I am. I don’t pursue men. I don’t need a man. I don’t want a man who doesn’t want me. I’ve had plenty of relationships end.

It’s life.

But friendships?

I’ve had few of those end.

But my friends are right. I realize I come from a different perspective and it can be misinterpreted. Even if several guys that I no longer date still text me.

I welcome those texts.

We like hearing from one another.

But it’s not for everyone.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.