I spent years searching for love in the wrong places and with the wrong people.
I kissed a lot of frogs and made a lot of decisions I regretted.
I pushed things forward too quickly, moulded and censored myself to be loved and cried myself to sleep every time it didn’t work out.
I could have easily overlooked niggles and disappointments, but after spending years in an abusive relationship, I was determined not to settle — despite how upset I would get every time a potential relationship fizzled away.
Then I stumbled across HIM, THE ONE, on a dodgy online dating site.
10 years later, it’s still going strong, and we’ve been married for 7 years.
I learned a lot during those dating years when I was a single parent to two boys, desperate for love and a “normal family”.
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Signs Your Relationship Is Ready For The Next Level
There are no doubts about your intentions
We all have insecurities that filter into our new relationships, but we can generally recognise whether they come from ourselves or our partner.
I was filled with blocks and insecurities when I met my husband, but he gave me no reason to doubt his intentions or distrust him. We both made it clear from the beginning that we were looking for something long-term (despite the booty call online dating site we were both on).
Although we kept it casual at the beginning, seeing each other just on the weekend, we made it clear we were not interested in seeing anyone else whilst we were getting to know each other. That gave us the space and confidence to work out if we were right for each other.
When he asked me if he could start seeing me a couple of times a week because he wanted to move our relationship on, it was clear that he saw potential. When I responded with pleasure and excitement, I made it clear I saw the same potential. It was a wonderful moment!
If you are confident that you are both on the same page about your expectations, level of commitment, and desire to take it forwards, go for it.
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Free to talk about your feelings, even if they are about each other
This isn’t going to happen a few weeks after meeting someone. A long-term relationship is built on trust and respect, which takes time.
Anyone can talk at a surface level with someone with the same interests.
If you can talk about your feelings openly and honestly with and about each other without becoming defensive, it’s a great sign that you can work through differences of opinion and the inevitable issues that will arise.
Arguments are going to happen. It doesn’t have to be a make-or-break moment for the relationship.
It’s good to get niggles out in the open to prevent little things from becoming big things. You can argue, discuss or debate, take some time apart to think about what the other person has said and then come back together to talk it through — a vital factor of a healthy, long-term relationship.
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Money talk is easy
As you become more involved, money talk will crop up. Whether it’s one of you always paying for meals or nights out, how you treat each other, joint holidays or living together.
It doesn’t matter who earns or contributes more. Long-term, you’re going to have some form of joint financials, so get the money talk out in the open and clear up any resentments, misunderstandings or differences in opinion.
If you can talk openly about your finances and make joint financial decisions that you are both happy with, you increase your chances of a successful, long-term, committed relationship.
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Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Ready for the Next Level
You haven’t met each other’s MIPs
Whether we like it or not, what our friends and family think of our partners affects the relationship.
Whilst we shouldn’t expect to meet each other’s most important people straight away, if there is long-term potential, there should come a time when you are introduced.
It’s so much easier when you are with someone who gets on well with the other important people in your life. Becoming part of each other’s groups increases the possibility of a healthy, long-termer.
If you are reluctant to introduce your other half to your family and friends, there’s doubt somewhere in the relationship.
If you haven’t yet been introduced to their significant others, don’t move on to the next level. Even if you cannot physically meet them, you should feel that you know things about these people and their relationships with your partner.
You can’t know someone properly when you don’t know the people they surround themselves with and haven’t seen what they are like when they are with them.
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There are a lot of unanswered questions
A long-term, healthy relationship is based on openness and honesty.
If there are doubts, uncertainties or things you don’t understand, they need to be aired and answered before moving forward.
This relates to your relationship and anything that affects it. Not understanding their job or their irrational fear of onions isn’t a reason to hold back!
If they constantly evade your questions, get irritated by your need to have your doubts aired and eased, consider how much of themselves they are giving to the relationship and keeping from it.
Or, if you don’t know how to answer the question — where are we heading, how do you feel about me — don’t push ahead regardless.
Wait until you can answer these questions and make your move accordingly.
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You can’t be yourself around each other
I get that you want to impress each other, but if you’re always on your best behaviour for fear of what they will think, the next level is to get comfortable enough to be your silly, goofy self. It’s not moving in or having a child together.
Love should be all-encompassing, not just when you are looking and feeling great and doing exciting things together.
You shouldn’t be dulling yourself down or hyping yourself up when you are with someone. You want them to fall in love with the real you, not the you who is trying to impress them.
If you want to know if this relationship has a healthy future, you need to be you to make sure you are happy with each other at your best and worst.
If you can’t let go of the act, they are not the right person for you, or you need to do some work on your relationship with yourself — whichever one it is, there’s not much future in the relationship as it is.
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Do’s and Dont’s
- Don’t force your relationships forward, no matter how desperate you are for love and commitment.
- Don’t settle for a relationship where you are compromising your values, morals, and desires.
- Don’t believe you must be more or less of anything to find the one.
- Do allow someone to fall in love with your true self.
- Do consider someone who isn’t “your type on paper”.
- And do believe that you deserve to be loved, cherished and respected.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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