Is Trying So Hard To Be Lovable Preventing You From Finding Love?

If your parents rewarded you for being good and perfect or going wantless and needless, then you probably learned to value not being human.

However, being imperfect and having needs are mandatory elements of authentic, vulnerable, intimate, human connection.

Perhaps trying so hard to be lovable is literally the thing preventing you from finding love.

Yikes.

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Inauthentic Living

How many of y’all think being super perfect and amazing all the time is how you get a good partner?

I used to think that too.

I’d show up on a first date in a f**king hot air balloon with a rose in my teeth.

I was gonna show you just how lovable (and please-don’t-abandon-me-able) I was.

After a couple decades of superboyfriending my relationships into the ground, it finally dawned on me that I had been living a fundamentally dishonest, fear-based, selfish, and self-centered existence upon which no meaningful relationship could be built.

Well, f**k me.

Good News

If you are such a great person, but somehow keep burning your relationships down to a smoldering pile of ash, I have good news for you.

1) You are not alone.
2) You can heal this.

This pattern is for sure rooted in some childhood crap.

Either you internalized core values, beliefs, and priorities that are not aligned with your highest good (or reality), or you are carrying some unresolved trauma in your nervous system that you can’t think hard, date better, or self-help away.

In any case, I highly recommend working with a no-nonsense relationship coach or therapist who can help you differentiate between truth and the lie you’ve been living, then empower you to break your own cycle of self-sabotage.

It’s completely doable.

But if you’re anything like me (or all of my clients), you’ll need some help.

I.e., you’re gonna have to allow yourself to be imperfect and have needs.

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Adam Murauskas is a relationship coach and Medium top writer. He and his wife Rebecca abandoned their careers and moved to Panamá in 2019 to pursue passions for helping people heal. Take a free relationship quiz at FixYourPicker.com or find daily content on Instagram @fixyourpicker.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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