Is Your Attachment Style Sabotaging Your Relationship? Do This

.

Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

Whether you’re on the anxious side or the avoidance side, you can still be afraid of who I am is going to sabotage things. It’s going to be not enough for someone, and that prevents you from asking for what you actually need.

Anxiety

We have another comment from Akia who said, “I feel anxious when I don’t have constant attention, and I have a hard time communicating my needs. It’s a tough combo—being anxious and also having trouble communicating. It probably manifests in anxious attachment or anxious-avoidant attachment, where it’s like I’m pissed off and angry, but I’m not going to run off and not explain why.” I think they go hand in hand a lot of the time because if you’re anxious, anytime someone leaves you aside or isn’t giving you attention, you’re not just anxiously trying to get attention; you’re anxious that you’re going to lose it. You’re anxious that they’re going to abandon you.

What you don’t want to do is give them more reasons to abandon you than you think they already have. Expressing your vulnerability and the needs you have is something that you might think is going to make you seem high maintenance, weak, or unattractive. So, the last thing you want to do is give them more reasons to find you unattractive or to not want you, or to ask for things because you’re worried that if you ask again, that anxiety is, “I’m not worthy. I don’t want to. If I ask for something, then I might be too much for you. I’m only worthy when I’m doing everything you want, not when I ask for things I want.”

That feeling of being anxious anytime they’re not around or not texting me, but I’m too afraid to say it is all part of the same thing. Do you think in a way you can need less attention the more you get comfortable with just asking for what you want? Is the attention like a substitute for you just needing to fill with certainty? If you can ask calmly for, “This is what I’d like,” or “I’d like us to talk for half an hour each night,” maybe you need less in between that because you’ve been able to communicate solidly. This is my expectation; this is what I want, and now I don’t have to feel so jittery and freaked out, like someone’s going to come and monopolize all my time or try to trap me.

The holistic psychologist said something to that—she said what showing love to anxiously attached people looks like, and it was a message like, “Hey, I’m really busy with work today, but just so you know, that’s all it is. I’m not ignoring you, and I’ll message you at four o’clock when I get out.” I think you’re totally right; it’s that sort of if you can exist with these parameters in which you know this person isn’t because I think it’s the story you build in your head when you’re not getting the communication, which essentially is, “I’m going to get left. I’m not worthy. They don’t love me. They’re with someone else,” whatever it might be. Whereas if you know that during this time, it’s nothing to do with you—they’re just living their life and their other obligations and their other commitments—then yeah, you worry less about it. Being able to effectively communicate that is super important.

Yeah, and I have the other issue where I’m often worried about people intruding too much on my space, and I know I can let a lot of that anxiety go away if I’m able to say, “Hey, I’d really love to have space to do this tonight or this. Then I’m not so jittery and freaked out, like someone’s going to come and monopolize all my time or someone’s going to come and try and trap me into doing things I don’t want to do.”

That message, a bunch of holistic psychology, copy and paste that to everybody. I think you sent me that this morning. It was pretty rude; it’s kind of funny, though, isn’t it? Because you could be avoiding and still not having those conversations. If you say, “Why does an avoidant not have those conversations?” Like in the past when you were in a place in your life where you wouldn’t have that conversation, why do you think that was?

Fear

Partly some kind of learned people-pleasing tendency and some nervousness that it would be taken as a kind of act of just coldness or unkindness. But what’s the thing you’re afraid of? In what way were you afraid? I suppose it was thinking, “Oh, now they’re going to feel upset or angry all day, and it’s going to create attention that we’re going to then have to address. It’s going to be taken the wrong way, and there’s going to be an argument or tension.” And, of course, there’s the ever-fear of, “This person’s going to leave me if I communicate this. Eventually, they’re just going to decide I’m not enough or I can’t give enough.” I’m just curious, that’s not intended.

I think there’s definitely times where I felt nervous about talking about certain boundaries or things I would like for fear that they’re going to think this is too much demand or, “Who are you to ask that? What, you don’t want to spend time with me?” It’s like, “Screw you.” You know that if I say that, it’s going to rock the boat, and it’s just kind of interesting, isn’t it? Because whether you’re on the anxious side or the avoidance side, you can still be afraid of, “Who I am is going to sabotage things. It’s going to be not enough for someone,” and that prevents you from asking for what you actually need. It’s a sad thing because you can actually have a shot at getting what you need by communicating what would help you. It’s not about someone meeting all of your desires because your desires are different from your needs. What you may want is different from what you need.

You may want, thinking anxiously, to be texted every hour of the day, but what you need is structure. You need to know that someone you know is safe and someone saying to you, “Hey, I’m really busy with meetings today, so I won’t be very available, but I can’t wait to speak to you after work,” is a kind of structure. It’s a kind of safety; I know where I stand with that. But when you know, I actually think it’s almost incumbent on us, whatever our attachment style is, to figure out what template can I give someone for how to alleviate certain things with me so that they don’t have to guess at it and read my mind? What template can I give them that isn’t me asking them to respond to all of the worst permutations of my attachment style but gives them a way of handling my attachment style that’s healthy and gives me what I need to feel like I’m in a good place?

Attention

I love that. I actually want to add an extra layer, which is when you go and approach that, having the conversation in the realm of, you know, when you do this, I feel like this, therefore it would be amazing if you could

do this in order for me not to be triggered in those ways. But I appreciate you too have needs, so I want to hear as well what it is that you would like and where you feel that might be too much so that we can come to a compromise. Because sometimes that’s what I think when we have quite a consuming attachment style; we forget that we’re also dealing with somebody else who also might have stuff, who also might have needs. If we’re not taking the time, if we’re only putting on them what we want from them, we’re not necessarily taking the time to see what they want back from us. The more they can communicate and you can communicate, I think it just creates this very, it brings you out in the open, right?

Yeah, and I think the more you communicate to someone, “I’m looking out for your needs,” the more that person can see you as a long-term partner. You relax because you go, “Oh, this person’s got my needs. They’ve got my needs, so I don’t have to constantly be defending my needs because they’ve got them. They’re taking them in their hands.” That’s a powerful thing. I love that. I see why people don’t send that message, though. Is it because you might not send that message even though it’s beautifully said, especially the way you said it, Matt, where it’s just like, “Hey, I’m just kidding on my meetings, and I’ve been thinking about you, but just know I’m busy.” There’s a way to send that message and have it be really nice and compassionate and sweet. But even sending it, there you are putting yourself out there, and you’re almost putting a line in the sand and saying, “Here are the needs that I can meet, and maybe it’s not going to work.” If you’re still anxious after that message, that’s kind of tough. Maybe we aren’t actually compatible. So, I think that’s why people don’t actually communicate it. Sometimes they’re a little bit afraid to just put it out there. Like, if it’s a question mark, who knows? Maybe we can make it work. But if I just communicate thoroughly, then we’re going to find out right away whether it’s just going to actually work or not. True. Yeah, great point.

Communication

Hey, before you leave the video, if you’re sick and tired of early dating never materializing into a real relationship, I have something for you. It’s called the Momentum Texts. It is my most practical program for early dating, and it shows you specifically how to take any situation and move it to the next stage in early dating. You can get it for seven dollars by going to momentumtexts.com. Check it out; this will be a great investment for you if finding love is a priority for you this year. I’ll see you there.

—

This post was previously published on YouTube.

Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: iStock