Is Your Friend a Conversational Narcissist?

In high school, I had this one friend.

This friend was nice. She was friendly to people and treated others with respect. She had a warm smile and a comforting voice that she was frequently complimented for. She was a talented singer and a good student.

But she also had this fatal flaw. For years, I attributed it to poor social skills, self-absorbedness, a sense of toxic competition. In high school, I never had a term to describe it. I just knew there was something about her that made me feel annoyed — exhausted, even — when we spoke.

Whenever I told her about my life or my problems, she’d spin it on her. She’d find a way to one-up me. I was depressed? Oh, so was she. And by the way, her mom was working a lot more than mine. And her house almost caught on fire last Saturday. (Some of these stories I’m convinced were just fibs, but nevertheless.)

I got a job opportunity for the summer? OMG, so did she, and her employers scouted her, and she signed up months ago and she was going to be a manager!

When texts from her would roll in, I knew right away what they’d be. They were never, How’s life? or Doing okay lately? Never even a mere Hey! It was always, OMFG I think *insert guy’s name here* is still in love with me because he’s coming back from college and he asked if I’d be in town!

She would tell the same stories and jokes over and over again. It got old to everyone but her.

It got tiring sometimes, yes, but I never judged this friend. Mostly, I was just mystified by her. How could someone be so tone-deaf, so self-centered? Was I doing something to make her feel like she constantly needed to approach our friendship this way?

And then one day I was cruising through an online newspaper and saw an article on something called conversational narcissism. And right then, everything clicked. I finally had a name for the social dilemma that I had endured for ages. I’m guessing I’m not alone, either, because as soon as I mentioned it to someone else, they vented to me for half an hour about their experiences with it. Online, there were comments galore beneath articles about it, identifying with the message.

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you’re one of those people that — like most of us — have wondered before if our friend is a narcissist. Only this time, there was a name for it, a specific situation, a way to distinguish it.

So what are some signs of conversational narcissism in friends and acquaintances? Stick with me.

1. They babble on and on without letting you get a word in edgewise.

Don’t get me wrong — sometimes long speeches can be a good thing, especially when someone has a lot to say. There are always good stories to tell and strong opinions to express. But it borders on conversational narcissism when this starts to happen routinely. For example, with me, I noticed that this friend was talking constantly. I felt like I spoke 5% of the time and she had the other 95%. It felt like she was talking because she loved to be the focus of the attention and not because she was actually invested in what she was saying. Not to mention that she never left room for my reactions — I barely had a chance to comment or ask a question before she began on another topic.

2. All topics seem to lead back to them.

Your dog died? Oh, so did theirs, even if it was ten years ago. You’re feeling down in the dumps lately? Ha! That’s nothing, because they had the flu last week. Even talking about your breakup seems to lead to them talking about how their boss bought them lunch last week — and the two topics seem so unrelated that you find yourself baffled as to how you even got there. When you share about your experience, they feel the need to share a story from their life rather than just listening or relating, and then they might talk for a while and the conversation ends up taking a turn (usually a turn centered around them, and often it’s random). You feel like you can’t say something without them bringing it back on themselves. Maybe you’re patient, maybe you’re infuriated. But either way, it’s starting to affect the friendship.

3. Everything turns into a competition.

Whatever you say, they try to one-up you. Every time you talk about something, it turns into a contest of who has it worse or who is most accomplished or even who has the meanest coworkers. Whatever it may be, it can often feel like the purpose of the conversation is for them to “prove themselves” to you, rather than to have a productive discussion or be there for one another supportively. This is no way to feed a friendship; in fact, it gets exhausting sometimes. Life is certainly not a competition. I mean, if there’s anything this year has taught us, it’s that we all live different realities, and we all have our own prides and struggles.

4. They are eager for you to finish speaking.

These people can’t wait for you to finish your thought before they start speaking again. They might giddily nod their head or begin muttering a word before they realize you’re not finished with what you have to say. And whenever you stop talking, there are only mere seconds of pause before they delve into the next topic. There is rarely time for them to digest your message or respond adequately because it seems like they’re constantly focused on what they’re going to say next.

5. They never ask questions — or they wait until the end to ask them

This is perhaps one of the hardest struggles of being friends with a conversational narcissist — the lack of questions and curiosity. Maybe they just never ask you questions and constantly come to you to brag or rant or get advice. Either that, or they ask you questions to fill the space once they’re done sharing about their life. I had a friend like this. She would come to me frequently to vent about her romantic relationships. She’d talk at me for about fifteen minutes, then pause briefly, sigh, and blurt out, “Well, enough about me, I’ve been talking the whole time. What’s up with you?” Even though a question was asked, it still felt like she didn’t care. She was asking me about myself because it was an obligation, a way to fill the silence, to space out her long speeches.

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Well, my friend might be a conversational narcissist. What now?

Unfortunately, there is no cure-all formula for conversational narcissism. But the comforting reality is that often, these people aren’t actually narcissists, they’re just absorbed in their own worlds. At first this may not seem very promising, but at the end of the day, these people likely still care about you. They want to be friends with you and show their love. Often, they are struggling internally and are too focused on their own problems to develop the skills to express those feelings in a social setting.

The purpose of this article was not for me to attack conversational narcissists or their habits. It’s to recognize that they are more common than we might think, and that as wonderful people as they may be, it can be lonely being friends with one. If you’re that person who feels lonely and unheard amidst someone else’s conversational narcissism, I hear you. And I’m here to tell you that the feeling — and the nature of the friendship — is not permanent.

You’d be surprised what a simple conversation can do to alert people to their harmful habits. When one of my closest friends started becoming a conversational narcissist, I just decided to be honest with her about it. I don’t feel valued, I told her. It seems like I don’t often get a chance to share in this friendship because most of our conversations begin with your thoughts or you requesting advice. I was nervous that I had phrased it improperly or hurt her feelings, but luckily, she took it well, apologized, and expressed her emotions transparently. Thanks for telling me, she said. I know I tend to get like that and I really need to work on it, but thank you for always being so patient. Our relationship has never been perfect, but it improved a lot after that — gradually, but surely. So don’t be afraid to broach the topic with your friends. It may be worth the extra awkwardness and vulnerability.

I’ve frequently wondered, too, if I am a conversational narcissist. Sometimes I walk away from conversations with the thought that I monopolized or that I should have asked more about them. I won’t lie — I am very guilty of these habits, too, as we all are sometimes. But the critical step is having the ability to self-reflect and the willingness to improve in your relationships. It’s never too late to start. Life — and our connections with others — is a never-ending battle of putting in our best effort, and then some. It’s about trying each day to be our best selves no matter the mistakes that we’ve made before.

As with many relationships, forgiveness and communication are the best ways to combat these frequent hardships. None of us have all the answers, but if we are willing to open up to each other — and be open-minded about our own change — then we will be all the stronger.

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SOURCES:

8 signs you’re a conversational narcissist | Reader’s Digest Australia

8 Signs of a Narcissistic Communicator

How to Avoid Conversational Narcissism

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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