Is Your Past Pain Hurting Your Relationships? If So, Do This

“Do you love me?” is a question I’ve asked several people close to me. I’m not waiting for their “yes” or “no,” however — I’m waiting for their tone.

I know logically that the people in my life love me, but a lot of factors from my past have complicated that.

I’ve had to anticipate and sense anger from physical aggression and yelling to protect myself in time. I always worry I’m burdening or annoying someone again. I’m quiet when I meet new people, and I shrink away at any sign of someone’s frustration, trying to disappear so their anger doesn’t turn toward me.

So when I ask, “Do you love me?” what I’m really asking is this: “Are you mad at me? Are we okay? What can I tell about your mood from your tone? I’m hurt, and I need some attention, affection and affirmation, but I’m scared to burden you with that explicitly.”

Because of the toxic behaviors I’ve dealt with in the past, in which people made me feel inadequate, bothersome and unimportant, I struggle in my relationships now. I think a lot about Steven Bartlett’s tweet:

“The most challenging relationship in your life will be the first healthy one after your toxic one. You will have so much to un-learn and so much to re-learn. Communicating your past, remaining self-aware of your actions and having patience is key.”

It’s okay if the “honeymoon phase” is hard and you’re dealing with a lot of challenges in your relationship because of your trauma. Just do your best to take an active part in your healing for your own good.

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To heal, we have to understand the problem first. Here are five ways our past pain can hurt our relationships, and how to cope with those struggles effectively and healthily. I encourage you to reflect upon which of these might apply to you and how you can work on healing.

1. Out of fear our partner will stop loving us, we self-betray, ignoring our wants and needs — even though we don’t need to do so.

We can self-betray in many ways. We may ignore red flags because we believe we deserve them or we worry we won’t find anything better. We may push our triggers to the side because we don’t want to bother our partner or the relationship. We may say “It’s okay” when it’s not. We may take care of our partner as best as we can, but not give ourselves the space and self-care we need too.

How to cope

Instead of ignoring ourselves and our needs, we can choose bravery by communicating truthfully. We can remind ourselves that our partner wants us to be honest so we can have a mutually healthy and authentic relationship. We can realize we are worthy of good things, and vow to let go of unhealthy relationships to the best of our ability. We can realize the law of attraction can help us find a healthier relationship. We can give ourselves space and take care of ourselves when we feel triggered or emotional.

2. We often worry that if our partner seems upset or annoyed, we caused it by doing something wrong.

Whenever we sense anger, frustration or sadness — real or imagined — in our partner, we’re quick to think of our actions and try to figure out what we did wrong. We feel the need to apologize for who we are. We worry we said the wrong thing. We shrink away in hopes we can become small so we won’t bother our partner.

How to cope

When we feel worried we did something wrong, we can take a step back, take a deep breath and think of the many other factors that could influence our partner’s mood. It may help to think about the upsetting factors in our own lives to realize how many factors can affect a person. We can outright ask, “Are you upset with me?” and we can remind ourselves their upset feelings are temporary and don’t change who we are. We can remember we all make mistakes and we still deserve space in this world.

3. We can be a little too dependent and fear our partner will leave us because of who we are.

Being alone puts us in a state of emotional distress, in which we can’t handle our anxieties as well and we feel unbearably lonely. We may need constant affirmation and quality time with our partner, or we’ll worry we are or have done something wrong. We apologize often and profusely, crying when we’ve hurt our partner, even in the smallest way. We fear we won’t be able to handle life as well without our partner right next to us.

How to cope

We can try to find hobbies to enjoy on our own or with friends. We can distract ourselves, try to feel better or use dialectical behavior therapy skills. We can realize mistakes don’t make us horrible people, and if we want to be saved, we have to save ourselves. We can remember our moments of strength in the past and know our past hurt strengthened us.

4. We fear if we’re not doing the absolute most, our partner won’t see us as good or worthy enough.

If we’re paying for less or helping with chores less, even for a small period of time, we judge ourselves and worry our partner judges us too. We fear our partner feels annoyed with us, even if they have shown no signs of annoyance. We worry we’re a burden or inadequate or lazy. We become depressed, which keeps us from helping more, in which a vicious cycle begins.

How to cope

We can try to be more self-compassionate and understanding, especially when we’ve done our best. We can remind ourselves we may sense or perceive negative emotions in our partner that aren’t really there. We can engage in positive self-talk, reminding ourselves of our strengths and why people love us.

5. We believe we have to say “thank you” or “I’m sorry” constantly.

We worry our partner will see us as ungrateful if we don’t constantly say “thank you” or offer to pay our partner back every time they give us something. We would rather apologize right away than communicate our emotions or accept our partner doesn’t feel upset with us after all.

How to cope

We can pressure ourselves to be perfect as little as possible. We can trust our partner would tell us if something bothered them. We can try to communicate before jumping to the conclusion that we messed up. We can remind ourselves we sometimes imagine emotions that aren’t being expressed or felt in reality.

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If your past pain is affecting your relationships, that’s okay. We all have some baggage and do our best to get through rough moments.

However, realizing when your past pain is affecting your relationships and how you can turn that around can help your relationship and happiness grow. Don’t blame yourself or worry, but be gentle and loving. Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend.

One of the hardest but most important lessons to remember is this: Feelings aren’t facts. While we may sense or perceive a negative emotion in our partner, that doesn’t mean they’re actually feeling that way or that it’s our fault. We may be quick to feel like we see a negative emotion because of our self-preservation concerns, but that doesn’t mean it’s real.

Remember, you’re out of your unhealthy relationship and in a safer place now. Many factors can upset a person that aren’t us, and sometimes people take out their anger on the wrong person. In those situations, be courageous and communicate, taking care of yourself as much as you need.

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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.

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