ED is treatable and does NOT define your masculinity.
Sometimes even saying the word ‘erectile dysfunction’ causes shivers of embarrassment to hit men. To many it is like a death sentence, like losing your masculinity. Even though it is an obviously wrong assertion, many men still believe that their ability to perform sexually is the main thing that makes them men.
While ED can be really embarrassing and is indeed a serious problem in a marriage, there are also several myths about erectile dysfunction that could be adding to the problem that men facing ED have. ED is treatable; it has other causes order than marital problems or psychological issues.
The most interesting news is that with the right mindset and orientation it can actually be treated and managed. Simon, my friend first began experiencing this difficulty five years ago and shares lessons from his wealth of experience on how he has coped so far.
1. – Your Masculinity Is Intact
Simon began seeing the early symptoms of ED just seven years into his marriage. He would struggle a little and need some extra stimulation before he could achieve a full erection. This deteriorated quickly till he could rarely ever achieve it
Naturally this began affecting his relationship with Melissa His stunning wife (I mean who wouldn’t be attracted to her?). Simon began withdrawing into his shell and becoming less emotional. Very soon he couldn’t even touch her or look at her while lying down together.
Simon even became affected in his job, a job that had been the center of his world. As Simon put it; “I felt I had just lost my masculinity and I found it difficult to do anything as a man … I hated seeing couples share a kiss and I hated going to weddings”
What Simon learned much later (and with help from a counselor) is that masculinity is way more than sex. Being a man equally meant providing for the family, doing the heavy lifting and loving your wife and protecting your kids. He learned that the roles of a man and a father nonetheless were much wider than his ability in bed and he made a decision not to abandon his duties.
2. – Intimacy Is More than Intercourse
Obviously, intercourse is the culmination of intimacy and not reaching that height can be really disheartening. However with Simon’s condition, he quickly had to learn that intercourse was not all there was to intimacy.
There were lots of couples out there who still had great relationships in spite of a low libido. He had to learn that Melissa was Human and was dying from his neglect. She needed to be intimate with her husband even if he couldn’t achieve an erection.
Lying naked together and cuddling, long and deep kisses, sitting in the bathtub together and talking for hours… Simon began doing the things he knew His wife loved. Their intimacy was restored, their playfulness returned and the marriage that was already at breaking point suddenly received a new lease of life.
The truth is that ED can cause many men to stay well away from every sexual or pseudo sexual activity and then very soon it becomes staying away from contact with their spouse.
Just like most men, Simon aptly describes the sentiment; “no need starting what you can’t finish”.
He was obviously wrong.
3. – Think Pleasure – not Performance
If you are like Simon and you have intermittent ED, where sometimes you can get that thing going and other times it just won’t start, then like Simon you must learn to do what you can when you can and stop grading yourself.
Simon said that having restored his friendship with Melissa and his intimacy with her, he started seeing a lapse in the ED more often. This made them begin to celebrate those moments when they could be intimate to the peak. He stopped worrying about his performance and how long he could perform and just did what he could.
Changing his mindset from performance to pleasure also helped him understand that sometimes all he needed was to pleasure his wife.
4. – Talking About the Problem is Golden
Studies show that about 60% of men above 40 in America suffer from this malady along with about 20% of men above 20. The truth is that especially for older men and increasingly even for younger men, ED is becoming pretty common. The acute embarrassment that comes with talking about it really shouldn’t be.
There are two people one must be very open to about this problem; your spouse and your doctors.
There are few things more painful to your woman than being neglected and not knowing why. Tweet that!
Talk about how it makes you feel and how it affects your confidence as a man. A good spouse will walk through it with you and affirm your masculinity.
It’s strange how men also feel embarrassed talking about it to doctors and experts. In Simon’s words; “I realized that a problem twice shared is 70% solved”
5. – It Can Be Treated
One disastrous myth about ED is that it cannot be treated. A lot of times ED can be treated without clinical methods. Ed can be caused by stress, low testosterone, excess weight, psychological and marital problems, low blood flow, high blood pressure and heart-related issues.
In all these cases lifestyle changes, counseling (especially joint counseling with your spouse as was Simon’s case,) dietary changes, constant exercise, and medication have been used to completely turn around some marriages … so yes! It can be treated.
It’s not easy having to deal with ED. But if your marriage is of value, then fighting for it is the manly thing to do. Having your spouse on the same page with you and fighting with you can do wonders in the recovery process.
In Simon’s words “The doctor suggested constant exercise and that I take it easy at the job … I had been pushing so bad for a promotion, I placed more value on my marriage and Melissa and I began a regular gym and workout strategy. He being with me made it work out much quicker”
Marriage is a beautiful thing and anything that comes in the way of that blissful friendship and intimacy should be fought and fought hard. Sometimes all it takes is a little tweak in the way we view this challenge.
Simon isn’t quite there yet, but He and His wife have never been happier. They have a happy marriage, shared hobbies they enjoy and a healthy life routine and diet. Plus their sex life has improved tremendously from five years ago. A lot of it owes to the deep level of intimacy between the partners.
In his words: “sometimes I wake up ready to go and she’s already waiting up … it’s like she is telepathic or something”
Be the stronger man and fight this in the open!