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We inherently understand this concept as it applies to children. A kid falls over in the park, people go over to check until a parent gets there. We understand that in our school groups, or kids activities, the adults pitch in to help out the kids. All the kids! For some reason, we don’t automatically apply that same logic to adults. Why? Well, just… because, apparently.
When do we ‘age out’ of that village/community care model? I don’t think we ever should.
I’ve had a few instances in my life where I’ve been in the hole. Never a pleasant experience. Most of us have been there. A death, divorce, job loss, sick family member, whatever! It’s likely that many of us have experienced a hardship that has either gotten us a bit down, or perhaps led to, or contributed to depression. While depression is a bit of a different animal to just being ‘down’, some of what I talk about here can apply too (if you can execute it in the moment – easier said than done, I know).
Obviously, people can draw upon professional help, exercise, meditation etc – all great things that can help you deal with whatever you’re going through. While I’ve drawn upon those things too, I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to draw upon my ‘village’ of people to support me and help me through troubled times. Not all men (and certainly women too) have that network, or if they do, might be uncomfortable drawing upon it. In my instance, these people come from varied and different parts of my life. Some of these people never even intersect, but they’re there for me. And our friendships come in a range of ‘strengths’ too. Some of them I know to smile at and have a quick chat, others I’ve known for years. And I’ve had the absolute privilege of being a Village Person for other people too! It’s such a win/win.
It’s often suggested that you should ‘try new things’ when trying to get yourself out of a funk. And it quite possibly is good advice — can’t hurt. But the added benefit of this is that you can expand your village. You can form bonds with new people, and gain new perspectives and insights. This can be invaluable. I’m not suggesting that having someone to talk to is the definitive solution to getting out of the hole though. It’s unlikely that someone else can solve your problem – only you can do that. But they can provide some momentary respite, perhaps a new perspective for you to think about, or perhaps some nugget of info that just helps you sort through it all.
In our communities, many of us have an opportunity to be a Villager. At the library, coffee shop, sports group etc. But some of us might not like to get out much, or don’t have the ability to do so. Online! Online friendships can be just as real as face to face for many people. Could be a facebook friend or group, or an online gaming clan etc.
But, I also think there’s some power in making the offer to be a Villager to a stranger. This can be a tricky one because you don’t actually know what’s going on with other people, and you don’t know how your approach may be interpreted. But the risk/reward on this is a no-brainer – you’re simply letting someone know that you care. I think that trumps any discomfort you might feel about an approach.
I had a friend of mine tell me once that he saw this lady he kind of knew sitting in a chair staring into space, looking pretty glum. He was going to say something, didn’t, and then a friend of hers came over and sat down – and the two of them began laughing and chatting. ‘Crisis’ averted.
He saw her the next day, and decided to ask: “Hey, were you ok yesterday?” She asked why he was inquiring and he told her about the previous day. She seemed appreciative, and said that she was upset about something, and that it was very nice of him to inquire. They didn’t discuss the details of it, and he knows nothing about what was upsetting her. But this lady knew that an almost stranger cared enough about another almost stranger to check in – better late than never. She took something from the interaction – and maybe thinks about doing that for someone else too. The gift that keeps on giving!
I, on the other hand, once saw this woman teary-eyed over at a nearby table. I recognised her from somewhere, but I didn’t know where. She saw me looking at her. I was going to go over to see if she was ok, but I hesitated – and then I didn’t. Didn’t want to embarrass her (me). And since then I’ve realised where I know her from – she’s a mum up at my kid’s school. And she knows I saw her in the hole. And she knows I didn’t do anything. I don’t beat myself up about this, but I do see it as a lost opportunity that I’ve since corrected with other people.
When someone is in the hole and lets me know the headlines, or I can see they’re in distress, I now always make the offer to be their Villager. No matter how well I know them, I put it out there, “Hey, if you want to chat, let me know.” And I leave it there. They know I’m receptive if they want to talk. They know someone cares about them, and it’s then in their hands whether they take me up on the offer to be an ear. I don’t get offended if they choose not to. That’s completely ok. It’s the offer that is important – it says, “I care. If there’s something up, I’m here for you”.
If it’s someone you know, it can be an offer to go out to an activity, a coffee, or a walk. It’s simply an opportunity to engage in some way. It can be a phone call or DM, “Hey, just checking in. You ok?”.
I think there’s value in letting someone else know that their welfare is considered and their wellbeing is valued. We can do this in all our villages, both face to face, and online. Most of us have no problem doing this at a distance. How many “Ohhhh, so sorry to hear that. Lemme know if u need anything” variants do you see to some bad news story on FB? Expressions of sympathy or empathy. Heaps! That can be applied face to face too.
Be a Villager! #beavillager
We all have issues going on in our lives, big and small. Just talking about them isn’t going to solve all of them. But it can help alleviate some of them, and at least perhaps provide comfort to someone else in the moment. It’s not a panacea, but demonstrating some compassion and empathy for a fellow villager has to be a good thing.
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