“I’ve no desire to go for coffee with you. Bye.”
My third rejection that day. I was missing something important about ladies.
The real problem was how I was seeing myself.
I learned to be self-aware as I learned to speak to the opposite sex.
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She Turns You Down. So What?
It takes some balls to cold-approach a lady.
Not because ladies bite. The balls refer to the fear of getting rejected. This is the most likely result of asking out someone you don’t know.
You begin overthinking the second you decide to approach her.
What will you say?
How do you act confidently?
What will you do if she says ‘no’?
You should still try that. This is how I boosted my self-awareness.
“Women have been making men self-conscious since the beginning of time. They do so primarily by rejecting them…” — Jordan Peterson in “12 Rules for Life”
I was afraid of cold-approaching women so I did just that. I’d go to the city center every Saturday and talk to at least three.
Invariably, they turned me down. Some would talk to me first. But when the invitation for coffee came, they’d firmly say ‘no’.
24 times in a row.
Did the rejections upset me?
Maybe the first five. Beyond that, they started feeling like fun.
The more you practice, the better you get. I became less anxious during my Saturday escapades.
I read in a book that aspiring pick-up artists go to a crowded place and talk to at least ten ladies the first day they practice. The rejection rate is insane, 90%+.
I’m not a pick-up artist but there’s wisdom in this technique.
It puts you way out of your comfort zone. You become vulnerable. It’s up to the lady to decide how things will go between you two. Most likely, she’ll tell you to go your way.
You feel like you have no control.
The exercise teaches you to accept the lack of control and just go on.
Dealing with rejection is a useful life skill beyond romantic relationships. I learned to quickly get over having my job applications rejected.
Getting turned down by a lady is a tiny price to pay for a confidence boost. The worst that can happen is she says ’no’.
That won’t destroy your ego.
A bit of empathy helps. If a lady came up to me in the street and invited me for coffee, would I say ‘yes’?
Probably not. It’d look weird. Suspicious, even.
A guy approaching a lady is a bit of a different matter. It’s no secret what we want and we shouldn’t be ashamed of this.
The key is not to make the lady feel like an object. This is the biggest mistake guys, including me, make when communicating with the fair sex.
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She Smells Your BS So Be Yourself
The women I talked to could see what I wanted right away.
It was my playful manner of speaking. It must’ve felt like I was hitting on them.
I never asked their names and wasn’t interested in their personalities.
It became clear when a younger colleague covered me with flattery. The guy wanted to get his purchase order approved, although it violated our company rules. I didn’t sign his papers.
It doesn’t take a genius to smell a pretentious attitude. Imagine how easy it is for ladies to spot flirtatious BS. They’re good psychologists.
So I changed my approach. I don’t pursue coffee with them anymore.
I try to get to know them.
If I see an interesting lady, I can come up to her and start talking about something that’s relevant to the present situation.
“This church was restored in 2005 after it was destroyed during WWII. It’s still a great piece of art. What do you think?”
“You speak Portuguese but I didn’t understand if you’re from Portugal or Brazil. Where are you from?”
“My train is going to Prague. As you’re on the same platform, this must be your destination too. Are you from there?”
Most talk. I don’t necessarily ask their names. But I show interest in them beyond their looks.
Some say ‘yes’ to meeting me a second time.
The key is to be yourself. You may think you should be “nice” to her.
Yes, if this means respecting her. No, if this means agreeing with all she says.
I know a few people-pleasers. They’re nice individuals to deal with at the beginning. But you begin to get bored when all they do is nod and say ‘yes’ to you.
Ladies don’t want you to agree with them. They want you to be your true self.
You’re not her. Show her a different perspective on what she thinks.
That’s two mature adults treating each other with respect, unafraid of expressing their opinions.
When my friends ask me why I talk to ladies I don’t know, I say I do this for myself.
I like the emotional excitement of starting a conversation with someone who may tell me to go away. It’s doing something uncomfortable. It makes me feel better about myself.
If cold-approaching ladies has taught me anything, it’s to respect them. And be my true self.
…
The Bottom Line
My learning curve of talking to the fair sex reflects a journey of looking for my true self.
Ladies started to take me seriously once I stopped pretending and started showing interest in them.
There’s no better way of building relationships than by respecting each other.
…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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