I was having a conversation with the security guard of my building. In it, he had brought up the loss of his grandmother and I (feeling empathetic) brought up the end of my relationship, and the circumstances surrounding it.
After telling him some of what I’d recently gone through, he said something to me that I’d been told many times before — but had finally heard, for the first time that day.
He said:
Damn, he messed it up for everybody.
With a look of genuine annoyance and irritation — and it struck a chord. It felt off and suspicious.
At one point, I would’ve taken this comment as genuine concern and seen it as him “caring” enough about me to be mad that another man might’ve hurt me just that bad.
In fact, I would have taken his words as:
You’ve been through so much. And because of these betrayals and traumas, I’m worried that your trust might be too damaged for you to open up and love again. And now I’m afraid that you might not be able to trust me.
Partially because I live in a fantasy world where people still genuinely give a damn, and partially because this was always the reason given behind the statement, anytime I heard it. And, truthfully, this was the breakdown he gave me as well.
I knew it was a lie, it felt like a lie. He was way too upset for someone who didn’t really know me, and none of that frustration had anything to do with my trauma. I knew it, I could sense it.
With time and experience, I’ve learned to hear this phrase for exactly what it is, predatory language, because I’ve heard it before (time and time again) and I’ve seen the actions that followed. So as I replayed his words I stopped paying attention to the words and started focusing on what he meant.
***
Communication Is Key
A crucial part of the hunt is communication because conversation (specifically) is crucial in capturing your prey, by gaining their trust through communication (conversation).
Usually, this is done through listening intently. Why does this work? Because nobody listens and we want to be heard. Coincidentally, as scared as we are of doing this, we also want to talk. It’s this wisdom predators prey on.
It’s how they scan your identity and learn how to manipulate and mold you. That’s why I knew when he spoke those words to me, that what he really meant was something far from it. What he really meant was:
Damn. He ruined it for other men like us because now she’s gonna be too smart to fall for most of my strategies — if any of them at all. Now I’m gonna have to try harder. Now she’s going to be too much work to play because she’s too wise to how this game goes. She knows too much, and it’s his fault. Now, she’s not going to be so easy.
And I wasn’t. My experience made it harder for him to wait me out and then try to play me. Why? Because now I know much more of what to look out for. But it also gave me a predatory skill when it comes to communication as well,
Listening.
***
Listen And Learn
I continued to keep my cool and allow him to talk because I’ve learned that when you don’t show a negative (or any) response, assholes keep talking.
And because I allowed him the space to feel safe enough to unmask himself I would find out, not only that he had a live-in girlfriend of close to a decade, with whom he shares a four-year-old daughter, but also —
- a son due next week (yes, next week)
- and a desire to “make love with” me
When I asked him how he could say that to me, especially with a child due in a matter of days, his response was—
She’s just my baby’s mother.
And the ever famous —
There’s just something about you.
Clearly, this conversation was disrespectful but I didn’t get angry, and I usually don’t. I’m not a stranger to depravity. Instead, I choose to observe, analyze, and learn. After all, in the end, I get a story to write.
He then went onto express these “unexpected” “unintentional” feelings he had for me and tried to politely ask if I would sleep with him. To be fair, he did say “please”. I turned him down and told him that I will, personally, choose to be the one to have respect for his relationship.
I also told him I did not return any of his feelings and let him know that he was absolutely right — my ex did mess it up for everybody. Everybody with bad intentions for me — like him.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
***
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Photo credit: Marcus Lewis on Unsplash