One gigantic reality each of us must face is aging. We can feel it when we’re 11 going on 18, or 65 going on 85. At first, the aging, the changes are usually so small, so subtle, just normal reality. Then, seemingly suddenly, the change is immense, startling, towering over our old understanding of ourselves.
But despite all that, I didn’t want to go to the ER. I had a physical sense of what might be going on, and it wasn’t a heart attack. So, I drove home.
The difficulty breathing abated for a while; but after dinner, it returned, with even more symptoms added on. So, my wife drove me to the ER. After several hours, the ER medical team decided I had issues, but nothing warranting a stay in the hospital.
When we got home, the sky thundered. I couldn’t see any lightning, but I felt not only thunder but a driving wind; and an intense rain seemed to fall suddenly out of everywhere, from the sky, the hills, the buildings. We ran inside, dried off, and went to bed as soon as we could.
The next morning, I at first wanted to buy myself something, some material compensation for going through the confusion, fear, and physical discomfort, but wasn’t sure what it could be. I imagined going to some local store, maybe a bookstore. I love bookstores. Or go online, if I could just think of something I felt I really needed or wanted. Consumerism shows itself in unanticipated ways.
Then I realized these occasional symptoms and physical changes were just an important element of who I now was. I didn’t need any distractions from my own life. It was just that my self-image was miles behind my reality. My awareness hadn’t comfortably settled into my moment-by-moment experience. But now, maybe, this was changing, like everything else. And maybe now I could perceive this seemingly new situation or time of life as valuable, not just something to deal with⎼ as something interesting in-itself to observe and learn from.
And it became clear to me that no material gifts, or outside objects were what mattered the most to me. What mattered the most was my response⎼ what I did, what actions I took, how I understood whatever occurred. This mattered. This was what would most determine the quality of the next moments and years of my life.
A few days later I ran into a co-worker from a job I had years ago. We went through the usual greetings⎼ how are you? what’s your life like now? And we answered as honestly as possible without going into many details. She talked about being 80 years old and beginning to feel old; and she added that young people she knew described older people as afraid of change.
But I replied I didn’t think that assessment of older people, of us, was entirely accurate. As we age, certainly as I age, I notice changes more quickly than I used to, especially changes in my health, in my environment, in my friends. Maybe this was because as we age the sense of vulnerability, the sense of approaching closer to death, is just so unavoidable.
As we get older, the number of memories has grown so much more extensive, the size of the past has grown so much larger than the imagined future; and it’s easy to bury new moments with memories of old ones. But when I can concentrate, and feel present, my mind clears. I unearth the reality of whatever moment I’m in. When I can relax and focus on feeling the coolness or warmth of my breath passing over my upper lip, or feel my hands in my lap, feet on the floor⎼ feel myself right here, I’m so much more alive. Happier, maybe. Satisfied with my life.
It’s just like when we’re talking with someone we know well about something important to us; and in the middle of a sentence, they get a phone call and answer it. They don’t say anything like “please excuse me for a second.” They just go off and forget we’re there and were just talking. And we feel bad, disrespected. We want them to be there with us. The same is true with how we treat ourselves
When we’re as present with a situation as we can, in that moment, we age better or are better able to manage whatever comes up. When we’re as aware, as caring as we can, we feel others and the world around us more closely. More possibilities of what actions we can take to effectively respond to the threats we face become clear to us. Our own bodies become a deeper home for us.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
