It’s Not Them, It’s You — How to Break Your Toxic Dating Patterns

This simple exercise will change your relationships for the better.

Have you ever heard the idea that we tend to date our parents?

I’ve heard it. I’ve worried about it. I’ve lost sleep over it. I don’t want to be my parents, and I certainly don’t want to date them.

I’ve had a string of failed relationships, and I’m finally noticing a pattern.

It’s Not Your Partners Fault

We tend to blame our failed relationships on our partner, on our incompatibility, anything but ourselves. We say things like, they weren’t the right one. I’ll find the right one next time.

We hold on so tightly to the idea that we will find the right partner. And once we do, they will swoop in and save us from our past failed relationships, from ourselves, from every unhappiness in our life.

We do anything to avoid looking at ourselves.

That was me for a long time. I wanted someone to save me, someone to finally love me the way I want to be loved. I was convinced I had bad luck with partners — if I kept doing what I had always done — I would finally find the one.

I was blind to the reality — I attracted all of my partners.

I continued to pick people who felt like home.

Which sounds nice at first — why wouldn’t you want to date someone who instantly feels like home? They feel familiar, comfortable like you’ve known them forever. Sounds like an absolute fairytale.

For me, and probably many others, this is where the problem arises. I was unaware that the reason they felt like home wasn’t always a good thing.

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Learned Love

We choose people who evoke feelings that remind us of what we associated with love as a child. Our understanding of love as a child becomes our sense of comfort in adult relationships, whether or not the ‘love’ we received as a child was healthy or unhealthy.

Obviously, this isn’t always the case, and you shouldn’t fear every person who feels familiar to you. But, this concept helped me pinpoint an unhealthy pattern in my relationships.

After my most recent relationship fell apart, I tried this journaling exercise — I was shocked.

The Journal Exercise

Grab a pen and paper and answer each of these prompts to try it for yourself.

• What negative emotions did your significant partners make you feel?
• What negative emotions have you felt from your parents or guardians?
• What patterns do you see arising?
• How do you think these patterns affect your behavior in relationships?
• How can you use this knowledge to heal your wounds?
• How can you use this knowledge to improve your relationships?
• What healthy qualities do you desire in a partner?
• How can you give yourself the qualities you desire in a partner?

Focus on the negative feelings for this exercise. Once you have your lists, highlight the commonalities between your partners and your guardians.
After I finished this list, I was surprised to see so many commonalities between them.

By the end of the journaling exercise, I realized that I have some things I should work on, like fear of abandonment and codependency. I equate emotional manipulation with love and foster passive-aggressive tendencies, etc.

For example, I noticed the pattern of feeling unloved in my romantic relationships and my relationship with my parents. As a result, I accept any love I can get because it’s better than not being loved at all. I’ve stayed in relationships longer than I should and settled for things I wish I didn’t.

With this new awareness, I can work on loving myself. I can heal the wound — in my next relationship, I won’t settle.

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Final Thoughts

Be gentle with yourself if you find that you have been behaving unhealthily in your relationships. Your increased self-awareness of your behavioral tendencies means you’re making progress — you are on the road to better, healthier relationships.

Commit to working on yourself. Be aware of any unhealthy tendencies or learned behaviors stemming from your childhood understanding of what love looks and feels like. Whenever something crops up, gently course correct to healthy behavior.

Healthy people attract healthy people. We can’t expect to attract the person of our dreams if we don’t show up in the same way ourselves.

The healthier and more fulfilling a relationship I can have with myself, the less likely I will get into an unhealthy relationship. I am already fulfilling my needs — anyone else is just a bonus.

If you want someone adventurous, empathetic, and emotionally intelligent, ask yourself if you have those qualities yourself. If not, work on building those characteristics.

It won’t happen overnight — but you are on your way to healthy, fulfilling relationships by breaking unhealthy patterns that no longer serve you.

Rooting for you always,

Kirstyn

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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Photo credit: Milan Popovic on Unsplash