It’s Okay to Need Each Other

I need you to know, I’m not through the night, some days I’m still fighting to walk towards the light. I need you know that we’ll be ok, together we can make it through another day.~ SuperChick, Courage

I was going through some music I listened to a lot during the early days of my own healing process, and came across the song Courage by SuperChick. While it’s specifically about recovering from eating disorder, I think it is also a lovely anthem for any sort of healing. It reminded me of how much we need each other on any journey out of the darkness. In fact, I am certain we actually can’t find our way through the night without some kind of partnership and help.

The song goes on to say “You should know, you’re not on your own. These secrets are walls that keep us alone.” As targets of relational trauma we can feel so terribly alone. I know I didn’t tell even my closest friends how bad it really was and how much I was hurting. Why? Pick one or all:

~ I didn’t want it to be true.
~ I was worried about my reputation.
~ I thought maybe I was making it up.
~ I was ashamed that I couldn’t fix it.
~ I wanted to be a loving, kind, forgiving person.
~ I didn’t know what was really going on.
~ I didn’t know where to start.
~ I didn’t want to be a burden on them, a victim, or a whiner.

The cost? My friends saw things but didn’t want to tell me because I kept saying everything was fine and I was in love. By not sharing the truth of what I was experiencing, I didn’t get to hear other people’s stories, which could have illuminated my own and helped me understand. By holding it all in, I increased my own stress levels. By keeping the abuse secret, I was able to maintain my persona but I didn’t get the help I desperately needed.

And maybe worst of all, to suppress what I was feeling I had to shut other parts of myself down as well. I became less than the full on, authentic person my friends knew and they were confused and felt pushed away. In trying to somehow “protect” them from my bad situation I simply made it worse for me. And they couldn’t understand what was up with me and even felt they might be losing a friend.

It’s also important to note that isolation is a common tactic in relational trauma. The dysregulated person may work to cut their target off from the support of family and friends. This can look like orchestrating a physical move, using emotional manipulation techniques (such as calling into question your family’s or friend’s motivations, integrity and even love) to create distance and disconnection, or even directly ordering the target to not spend time or be in touch with the people who care about them. This helps to keep a target off balance and without anyone to reach out to or provide a helpful perspective on things.

In my own case, the ex did his best to drive a wedge between me and friends and my son, mostly by subtly insulting them to me and interpreting their behavior in the worst possible way. Thankfully, it didn’t work, but I did begin to keep parts of my life separate so as not to subject people to him. (Stressful and logistically complex.)

What I saw for myself and have heard from others as well though, is that my people were ready, willing and eager to love and support me when I woke up and came back. They understand and forgave any distance I had created, and were only simply happy I was out of the situation. True friends and loving family don’t hold it against you if a narcissist influenced you to disconnect.

And critically, they gave me a hand to hold and more as I came out of it and healed. They provided reality checks, opportunities to process and vent, and even a safe place to stay for a while. I needed them and they got me through. And one of the things I learned in the process is to be much more honest about how I feel and what is going on, realizing I can’t always see it for myself.

Bottom line — it’s time to share our secrets and take down the walls that keep us alone and apart.

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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

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