How could I say such a thing?!
Because I just did it myself, that’s how. I’m embarrassed by it.
I got let down so hard because I built up this ridiculous fantasy in my head of what could have been. Meanwhile, the girl I wanted was in a completely different headspace than I was.
I was watching The Notebook in my head and she was watching Definitely, Maybe in her head.
This is where communication needs to come in. I did try that too, but it was a little too late for how mentally invested I already was. Then, when she rejected me, it was devastating.
This is exactly why I’m here because I wanted to address a few things that I have messed up and I often see others mess up as well.
You Can’t Make Your Partner Be a Certain Way
First and foremost, you don’t control your partner (or even the person you like).
All you can do is find someone who has the most important traits and qualities that you care about covered, communicate what you expect, and work things out from there.
You don’t get to change them, control them, or decide how things will go. It’s a two-person agreement.
This is the root problem of romantic fantasies: you are mentally signing up for the other person to be a certain way and do certain things and that is not fair to them.
That sets the bar high so that you basically either breakeven by getting what you want or more often, you get let down hard when they don’t do what you expected of them. This is no way to operate a successful relationship.
Most People are Not in Love, They’re Infatuated
My friend pointed this out to me the other day and it hit like a shovel. She was exactly right:
Most people who say they love someone have not even seen enough of the other person or been through enough with them to know for a fact that they will love this person for a long period of time. Most of the time, it’s just infatuation.
This is another segment born out of fantasy and it’s exactly what I did with the girl I wanted. I built her up in my head to be this perfect, ideal person for me and I was shocked to see how badly things were handled when I came clean and told her how I felt.
Although I didn’t like how she handled things, I set myself up for more failure by putting her on a pedestal that she didn’t deserve to be on. I was infatuated with this girl and finding out that she wasn’t perfect was jarring to say the least.
This was almost a month ago now and I still get bothered by the whole situation. I was invested into her as if we were in a serious, committed relationship and unbeknownst to me, we were nowhere near that stage.
Relationships are WORK
Something that people will tell you they understand on the surface level but clearly don’t embrace in practice is the fact that relationships are a lot of work. Better yet, the more committed it is, the more work it is.
Things do not get “easier.” Marriage isn’t easier than your previous relationships, it’s more work because it’s more serious.
It kills me that people think getting married means you can stop trying, it’s the exact opposite. This is the person who you have to try the hardest for!
This whole theme of a relationship just being a fun, pleasure-filled, puppy-love fest is also born out of fantasy. It is irrational to think this way.
For it to stand the test of time, you have to be prepared for the honeymoon stage to end, because it ends alright. Usually abruptly, too.
A solid relationship requires realism and the commitment to work with your partner like a teammate.
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Previously Published on medium
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