Orin Hahn shows why the best way to know what a woman wants is simply to ask her.
I recently posed the following question to women on my blog: “ If you had a message to deliver to the opposite sex, to really let them know what you felt, or how they affect you, or what seems so obvious to you and yet unknown to them, what would that message be?”
Here is their feedback, included anonymously. Their answers require some digestion, but they are very insightful. Take the time to read them:
“I do not ‘use’ my emotions to manipulate you. They are not a weapon. I really do feel this deeply, AND I am also responsible for it. I do my best to be clear.”
“Please be present and pay attention to me. I will be clear in my communication. I will give what you want and I expect reciprocation with honor. I consider you a gift in my life and will offer you all my gifts. There is nothing to hold back if I choose you.”
“I don’t need you to fix it.”
“Listen and tell me how great I am. That’s all I want to know.”
As men, we like to fix things. This is probably the biggest complaint I’ve heard from most women. Now, I’m not talking about bringing their car to the shop for them (or something literal). What I’m talking about is the fundamental skill of listening, something few men get much instruction in. So the point is this: hear what women are saying and allow yourself to feel what they feel as they are saying it. It may feel weird at first since quite honestly, we are given the message to be doers and set aside our feelings (which is why many men still react). But the important thing here is to receive.
It’s the act of not receiving that makes her feel like you haven’t heard a thing, even if you repeat back everything she said (which has never helped any guy ever). Appreciation too is always essential. If you aren’t supporting the creation of a better experience for her, than maybe she should be more interested in someone who is.
2. Power plays + Roles
“ In the dance of love, sometimes you will lead and sometimes I will follow, sometimes I will lead and sometimes you will follow. We can trust each other enough to surrender into either role.“
To put it into actionable terms, be willing to wear a different role. If you know that you usually take the lead, make time and space for her to set the pace too. In my own relationship, I drive pretty much everywhere we go on the east coast. Why? Habit, I suppose. It’s my car, my hometown. But we totally switch that up when we’re out west (where she’s from). And sometimes, one of us drives when the other person can use a break. It’s about sharing the power.
3. Interaction + Appreciation
“Anything offered freely without having been requested is infinitely more valuable than things given grudgingly or after a request. This goes for big things (love, support, backing me up in public even when I am acting badly) and little things (compliments, flowers, ordering Chinese when I am tired, cleaning the bathroom…).”
“A genuine compliment will make my day. And when I request something that makes you uncomfortable, I’m not doing it to be difficult. Truly, dancing with me (and you can be terrible) will make me feel loved and cherished and oh so happy.”
“Pay attention and enjoy women with all your heart!! Also, make a plan: it’s sexy.”
Simply put, many women would rather be genuinely surprised. Take the time to notice what moves her and file it away for another time. Give from the part of you that feels rich in spirit. It will not only make your relationship better, but it will also help you grow as a human being.
It’s easy to get intimidated by all of this. Trying to figure out a woman, especially in the beginning of a relationship, can be really difficult. With that intimidation, we start looking for a roadmap. But a man who knows how to go beyond formulas and who can share himself with his partner will light up her life. Regardless of what he’s giving, he’s giving her who he is, and ultimately that’s what many women want to feel and connect to.
4. Personal Worth + Beauty
“Boys, teenagers and men aren’t told how beautiful they are. We toss that word around way too much for girls and women. But for men, beauty is in their actions, the way they think, the manner in which they can express their masculinity, how their bodies move and perform. It’s beautiful! And it’s poetic. I’ve found that women are natural healers [but] men are natural poets.”
Let yourself be loved for who you are, whether you receive attention or a compliment, resist the urge to close down, push it away or return the serve. Take the love in with dignity and gratitude. We are more than what we do. We are loved and we are lovable for who we are. (I’m going to have to staple this one to my own mirror so I don’t forget either)
5. Honesty + Owning your Feelings
“Trust me. Trust Us. Trust the connection we have or are building enough to be real and be as free as you can be with me. It’s so wonderful when a man can be emotionally brave with us and say, ‘Yeah, there’s a woman I met who I am attracted to, and that freaks me out, and makes me wonder what that means for us.’ Bravery. That’s the jam . . . I love it.”
We’re often told all the expectations of a relationship, things we should talk about and things we should avoid. Throw that noise away. If you want hot, intimate, plugged-in love, be willing to scare yourself and your partner from time to time with who you really are. Be brave, be bold, and be honest. They may leave and that can be heartbreaking, but if you say only what you think they can handle, if you don’ take a chance, if you deny who you are inside and cover what you truly feel, the best case scenario is they won’t notice and you will have a quiet little relationship with someone who never really knows you. Is that what you’re really after?
Other Articles on GMP by Orin J. Hahn at:
Image Credit: Flickr/NaProsvet1