Orin Hahn shows why the best way to know what a woman wants is simply to ask her.
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I recently posed the following question to women on my blog: “ If you had a message to deliver to the opposite sex, to really let them know what you felt, or how they affect you, or what seems so obvious to you and yet unknown to them, what would that message be?”
Here is their feedback, included anonymously. Their answers require some digestion, but they are very insightful. Take the time to read them:
1. Communication
“I do not ‘use’ my emotions to manipulate you. They are not a weapon. I really do feel this deeply, AND I am also responsible for it. I do my best to be clear.”
“Please be present and pay attention to me. I will be clear in my communication. I will give what you want and I expect reciprocation with honor. I consider you a gift in my life and will offer you all my gifts. There is nothing to hold back if I choose you.”
“I don’t need you to fix it.”
“Listen and tell me how great I am. That’s all I want to know.”
As men, we like to fix things. This is probably the biggest complaint I’ve heard from most women. Now, I’m not talking about bringing their car to the shop for them (or something literal). What I’m talking about is the fundamental skill of listening, something few men get much instruction in. So the point is this: hear what women are saying and allow yourself to feel what they feel as they are saying it. It may feel weird at first since quite honestly, we are given the message to be doers and set aside our feelings (which is why many men still react). But the important thing here is to receive.
It’s the act of not receiving that makes her feel like you haven’t heard a thing, even if you repeat back everything she said (which has never helped any guy ever). Appreciation too is always essential. If you aren’t supporting the creation of a better experience for her, than maybe she should be more interested in someone who is.
2. Power plays + Roles
“ In the dance of love, sometimes you will lead and sometimes I will follow, sometimes I will lead and sometimes you will follow. We can trust each other enough to surrender into either role.“
To put it into actionable terms, be willing to wear a different role. If you know that you usually take the lead, make time and space for her to set the pace too. In my own relationship, I drive pretty much everywhere we go on the east coast. Why? Habit, I suppose. It’s my car, my hometown. But we totally switch that up when we’re out west (where she’s from). And sometimes, one of us drives when the other person can use a break. It’s about sharing the power.
3. Interaction + Appreciation
“Anything offered freely without having been requested is infinitely more valuable than things given grudgingly or after a request. This goes for big things (love, support, backing me up in public even when I am acting badly) and little things (compliments, flowers, ordering Chinese when I am tired, cleaning the bathroom…).”
“A genuine compliment will make my day. And when I request something that makes you uncomfortable, I’m not doing it to be difficult. Truly, dancing with me (and you can be terrible) will make me feel loved and cherished and oh so happy.”
“Pay attention and enjoy women with all your heart!! Also, make a plan: it’s sexy.”
Simply put, many women would rather be genuinely surprised. Take the time to notice what moves her and file it away for another time. Give from the part of you that feels rich in spirit. It will not only make your relationship better, but it will also help you grow as a human being.
It’s easy to get intimidated by all of this. Trying to figure out a woman, especially in the beginning of a relationship, can be really difficult. With that intimidation, we start looking for a roadmap. But a man who knows how to go beyond formulas and who can share himself with his partner will light up her life. Regardless of what he’s giving, he’s giving her who he is, and ultimately that’s what many women want to feel and connect to.
4. Personal Worth + Beauty
“Boys, teenagers and men aren’t told how beautiful they are. We toss that word around way too much for girls and women. But for men, beauty is in their actions, the way they think, the manner in which they can express their masculinity, how their bodies move and perform. It’s beautiful! And it’s poetic. I’ve found that women are natural healers [but] men are natural poets.”
Let yourself be loved for who you are, whether you receive attention or a compliment, resist the urge to close down, push it away or return the serve. Take the love in with dignity and gratitude. We are more than what we do. We are loved and we are lovable for who we are. (I’m going to have to staple this one to my own mirror so I don’t forget either)
5. Honesty + Owning your Feelings
“Trust me. Trust Us. Trust the connection we have or are building enough to be real and be as free as you can be with me. It’s so wonderful when a man can be emotionally brave with us and say, ‘Yeah, there’s a woman I met who I am attracted to, and that freaks me out, and makes me wonder what that means for us.’ Bravery. That’s the jam . . . I love it.”
We’re often told all the expectations of a relationship, things we should talk about and things we should avoid. Throw that noise away. If you want hot, intimate, plugged-in love, be willing to scare yourself and your partner from time to time with who you really are. Be brave, be bold, and be honest. They may leave and that can be heartbreaking, but if you say only what you think they can handle, if you don’ take a chance, if you deny who you are inside and cover what you truly feel, the best case scenario is they won’t notice and you will have a quiet little relationship with someone who never really knows you. Is that what you’re really after?
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Follow @Orin_Explains
Other Articles on GMP by Orin J. Hahn at:
The Experience That Made Understanding Women Easy Enough for a Man
A Lifetime of Gifts Change Everything
Forgiveness: How to Move Forward
Image Credit: Flickr/NaProsvet1
I guess we all agree that communication is the key to the man-woman thing–the problem is when all sorts of communication is going on and one partner is either oblivious or doesn’t care. I don’t expect my husband to read my mind, but I do expect him to pay attention to me and the things I say in the course of regular life, not just when we are having a relationship discussion. So, if I say, three months ahead of the day, “The Smiths went away for the weekend for their anniversary. It sounds so romantic. I’d love to do… Read more »
Strider, Thanks for sharing and you’re absolutely right to want some intuitiveness. Regardless of gender I think we all look to our partners to broaden our world both with learning what we want and surprising us with a bit of something beyond our requests, hints whatever. The challenge is in not only picking up on the subtle hints but trusting our creativity to make something that the other would want. Perhaps a two part change would help any resentment you may face. 1. Say a directive but without specifics such as I would like to be celebrated, taken out, etc.… Read more »
It’s very rare that a woman will intuitively meet her man’s needs……But Why not?
Quote 1: “I don’t need you to fix it.” Quote 2: “Listen and tell me how great I am. That’s all I want to know.” I keep coming back to this, probably because I have a weird sort of overly literal mind. It doesn’t seem to flex or stretch the way other peoples’ minds do. I’m starting to accept that this is probably my own faulty wiring and not some “women’s brains are different” kind of thing. My wife and I have gone in circles about this in the past, though I think we’ve mostly worked it out. Anyway, here’s… Read more »
“My vote is for women to first of all be clear about their desires (and for many women that can be such a challenge, for a number of reasons), and then to communicate them with respect and with trust that her man wants to provide her with what she needs – if he’s able to.” Karen, this is my vote too. It would be incredible if this was the norm. In my work with men in struggling relationships, this is nearly *never* the norm. That’s why I coach them to make some assumptions and anticipate their needs. It’s not a… Read more »
I worry about this idea that it’s desirable for men to anticipate women’s needs. That puts men in a terrible position (the jokes about “mind-reading” abound for a reason). For one thing, many women’s desires are not consistent, and have more of a fluid, ebb-and-flow thing going on. So not only would men have to anticipate needs, but have to be tuned in to what they are, in any given moment or situation. Yikes! My vote is for women to first of all be clear about their desires (and for many women that can be such a challenge, for a… Read more »
Well, like any relationship advice worth the pixels, I don’t think it should be taken as gender-specific. Men and women aren’t all that different in what we need, we’re all just so heavily conditioned to gender roles that we have trouble figuring out how to fulfill those needs for the opposite sex. At any rate, I took this as being geared more to established couples than people just figuring each other out, which does make a difference to your objection. It’s not that I want my partner to be a mind reader, but I do want my partner to know… Read more »
Expecting things, especially from other people almost always leads to disappointment. And yes, that applies to men and women equally.
About number 5. ”Trust me. Trust Us. Trust the connection we have or are building enough to be real and be as free as you can be with me. It’s so wonderful when a man can be emotionally brave with us and say, ‘Yeah, there’s a woman I met who I am attracted to, and that freaks me out, and makes me wonder what that means for us.’ Bravery. That’s the jam . . . I love it.” I’d be willing to do that if she didn’t hold it against me for use as a weapon later. When I say,… Read more »
For once I would like to be valued or acknowledged for my intelligence or my behavior and not for looks. It has angered me since I was a little girl constantly being told by my father how pretty I am, even though I’m just average, and having men I thought were just friends say this to me too. Beauty, in my opinion, is worthless; the only thing that matters is intelligence. It is what I also find attractive in others is their mind. I think this is why I allowed myself to become obese was so I would quit being… Read more »
Truly, dancing with me (and you can be terrible) will make me feel loved and cherished and oh so happy.
I wanted to dance with you. I really did. But I wasn’t good enough, Not as good as your friends you were used to dance with. So for 5 years, you always put me down.
Good article Orin!
If these things are needed, why can’t the woman just say so at the time.. directly to the particular person she needs it from?
If women have difficulty just saying so, then an article should be written for women to read giving them tips about how to go about saying it..
Because quite simply, we don’t always want to have to tell you or give you instruction; and then you subsequently perform what we ask. Sometimes, it’s really amazing and cool when a partner knows you well enough to sometimes, certainly not always, predict what you may need at any given time and simply give it from their own free will instead of always having to ask them. Think of it like this. Is it more fun to ask your partner for sex all the time or is it more fun when she sometimes is the one that simply initiates sex?… Read more »
Extremely well put, Erin. I love your examples!
“Communication” even in healthy relationships can be overrated when what the other person REALLY wants is a feeling of empathy and understanding. This becomes even MORE important in a troubled relationship where verbal communication has become a battleground. ACTION sometimes has much more meaning.
I like your responses, too, Erin. I would tend to think as Felipe and Joe, and even Karen (below) about this article, but your responses put a more intimate point of view on the article. Sometimes I think it’s how you view an issue: it seems as if you have a positive take by accepting the article as good advice for personal relationships between an intelligent and good-hearted man and an intelligent and good-hearted woman. Others might tend to see it as a denigration of sociological thought and behavior on the part of men in general. I guess it’s all… Read more »
1. Would an article to women about men be this long and complicated? 2. Men like to fix problems. And women will be happy with you helping them fix those problems, if you know how to go about it. Normally, a woman states her problem, and the man offers a solution. Women, for some reason, have a problem with this. After all, they want us to listen and we have to be listening and understanding to be able to offer a solution. Why they can’t accept this, and why that puts men in the wrong, I don’t know. But, I… Read more »
I like your technique. Asking follow up questions to her problems is a nice way to communicate at times. But I do have issue with the idea that asking men to listen sometimes, and not offer a solution, is somehow making a man “wrong”. It’s not about a man being “wrong”. Giving a solution to a problem is not “wrong”. It’s nice when a man wants to help you. However, it simply may not be what she needs at the time. And she also is not wrong for that. The fact is relationships are a give and take. There are… Read more »
i want to add something. Women don’t hate men, women hate what men do and say to make them feel like they don’t matter and demean them, whether they mean to or not
Well put Selina.
Good point Selena. And to round out your point, I would guess that most men would say that they too don’t hate women, they hate the things we do and say.
I neither hate women nor what they do or say. I choose to be around women (all people) who share my values and I exclude those who don’t. Life is too short for arguments, hate, and debates with people who choose to act in ways they don’t mesh with your values.
Great article, Orin!
nicely done Orin!! Thank you
There are a few women I know whom I have asked, made sure they know they can communicate openly, they say what they want….and then do something very different. I don’t know if everyone knows what they actually want.
No, of course not.
Thanks for the feedback and glad to dialogue further, perhaps it might form a “sequel”. You’re welcome to connect with me on FB. And I agree respect is key to having intimacy.
If I’d seen your blog in time, I’d have identified things outside these. Things like, I need you to appreciate how male-centric our societies are, and how unfair and frustrating that is to a thinking woman. When a man “gets it” and shows leadership in regards to how we treat each other, that earns my respect. And in my world, respect is a prerequisite for intimacy.
Hi Alexandra,
There’s that word “leadership” again. I know exactly what you’re referring to and it has nothing to do with superiority.
Can you explain more precisely what that “leadership” looks like in your example…” When a man “gets it” and shows leadership in regards to how we treat each other”
This is helpful stuff.
I would suggest reading Men On Strike by Helen Smith for a different perspective. As far as being “male-centric”, most men are still locked in rigidly defined roles and expectations and told that their only worth is what they can provide or do for others.
Well awesome! An article about communication between men and women that actually focuses on the need for…communication! I dig it.