Dillan DiGiovanni suggests a more effective way for men to help someone in distress.
Just relax.
Calm the heck down.
Why are you getting so upset?
You’re overreacting.
These are just a few of the things men have said in my presence to people needing reassurance or support. Sometimes they’ve said those things to me, too. Sometimes, I’ve said these things to other people.
They are trying really hard to “fix it”. I get it! I know how it feels to want to save the day. It’s how we are often socialized to perform or behave when someone is in distress. Often, our intention is to make that person feel comforted and reassured. But, for many people, these words or this kind of response ends up having the opposite effect. The “I have this handled–just calm down so I can swoop in and save the day” approach isn’t what some people need. In some cases, it can leave the person feeling incredibly disempowered and feeling even more unsafe.
When we say things like this to people we care about who are in distress, we really minimize the feelings they are experiencing. We take away their ability to express fear, discomfort, anxiety or concern. In our own attempts to perhaps distance ourselves from those feelings and delude ourselves with a sense of being in control, we may silence those who, more than anything, probably need to voice their feelings in a moment of panic.
On more than one occasion, I’ve reached out to a fellow guy when I’ve needed help and had the word, “relax” barked at me. It felt like a slap in the face and whatever feeling of connection or vulnerability I previously had toward this person was now replaced with disdain. I regretted reaching out and it made me want to withdraw and seek support elsewhere.
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During a conversation or two, I’ve been known to say, “Why are you getting so upset?”, as if I have been somehow deemed worthy to determine the appropriate feelings for any and all interactions.
These responses strike me as arrogant, at the very least, and ineffective for many people.
I’ll play Devil’s advocate and state the obvious that many people LOVE when men respond in this way. It helps them feel safe and secure. The man has it handled, and that’s good.
On behalf of the folks for whom it disempowers, I want to share what I’ve been trying to do to replace the imperative approach, myself, and what I’ve been asking of others when they speak to me that way.
Instead of snapping from a place of my own discomfort with that person’s feelings or the situation at hand, I try to just be present with what is happening. Be present. Can you tell I’m a Buddhist?
Seriously. Which is a demonstration of true strength? The reactive snap at someone to calm down or the disciplined, centered response?
“I see/hear you’re upset. How can I best support you right now?”
“I noticed that your voice is trembling. Want to tell me why?”
“Yeah, I’d be upset, too. Let’s breathe for a sec to think more clearly and solve this.”
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If helping to solve a problem is what we’re trying to do, I recommend we do this more. I’ve had such profoundly different responses when people speak to me like this, and when I’ve exercised the same clarity and kindness with others, that I truly believe it to be effective. Moreso than barking at people to make them think you have it under control. Moreso than minimizing peoples’ responses so I can more effectively manage the conversation.
Saying “just relax” doesn’t quite do it. Compassionately reassuring people so they actually do relax is true power and effectiveness.
—Photo Marina del Castell/Flickr
Connect with Dillan DiGiovanni on his website, as well as twitter and instagram.