Recently someone shared with me the “yes space” idea… which is, essentially, putting a young child into a completely safe space, a space in which “no” doesn’t need to happen.
The person sharing this came up with a lengthy explanation, but really, just from the phrase, I knew exactly what she was talking about.
It’s not a bad idea. But it’s just another idea.
Too many ideas
Ideas are everywhere — we are drowning in them. We spend to much time reading and thinking about them (as in, here we are… so I’ll keep this short!)
I have three sons and have worked full-time through all the heavy parenting years. There was a lot of juggling and multi-tasking. I read a lot and talked a lot… but early on I thought about the End Goal, and decided that my end goal was to have children who grew up to be productive, kind, and content.
After that, decisions became easier. If something was happening that did not fit into that framework, I questioned it. Often, with this in the back of my mind, I knew the direction to go.
Productive
Productive is not rich. Productive might not earn a lot of money. But productive means that one is active in their life — one is doing.
With this past Covid year, my youngest son left his music program, and went to work for a large company for the year. (Sorry, Zoom — you don’t cut it for vocal majors!)
He kept busy, he learned new skills, he learned a lot about what really matters to him. He learned he can meet new challenges. (There were a lot of them!)
This year, he’s back to the final year of his program with renewed passion and he will be using many skills he acquired this past year.
Humans need to be doing; well-being is closely connected to this state of being.
Kind
Kindness covers a lot of ground.
When my oldest son was in grade one, for a number of well-considered reasons, he decided he no longer wanted to spend time with a particular person in his class.
His reasoning was solid, and I could see how he was developing (and let’s face it, this is a skill some of us adults could use). But he had to approach with kindness. Kindness is not easy.
It’s the difference between growing up and breaking off a relationship with someone via text, or sitting face-to-face. Real kindness takes courage.
It’s stopping and helping an elderly stranger with their walker over a lumpy sidewalk.
It’s looking the grocery store clerk in the eye, and smiling.
It’s being open. Slowing down. Seeing others’ needs.
Content
“Content” is not the “pursuit of happiness” — that American quagmire of “gimme.” “Content” is acknowledging what you’ve been given, what you’ve earned, what life has handed to you (and even taken from you), and feeling settled about it. All of if.
Contentment includes gratitude — it has to, by its very nature. Contentment has to do with understanding breathing — in and out. Acceptance. But acceptance with the knowledge that joy is significant, and the umbrella of “content” is big enough for those friends — contentment, acceptance, and joy — to hang out together, knowing the rain is nearby, but there’s something between the rain and the friends. Some shield.
End Goal
If your children are very young, it can be hard to imagine they’ll ever be adults. But it’s useful to spend time thinking about what — ultimately — you want for these young people entrusted to your guardianship for this time.
You may come up with other words, other goals, but it is worth the time to consider this. Then you can ask, if need be, “How does a _______ (‘yes space’-or-whatever) fit in with these goals at the end of the day?”
I wish you courage and peace in this —
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: michael podger on Unsplash