Everything I could.
It was important to me that my son knew what sex was, first and foremost, so he didn’t feel or look stupid among his friends (like I did when I was younger) because he didn’t know what they were talking about. More importantly though, I wanted him to know the truth about sex from a trusted source, from someone he loves and not from “the boys on the playground,” or worse—from porn.
Granted, I’m certain he did hear and learn about sex from those places as well, but I was glad that I was comfortable enough to have an honest conversation with him first, so when he did hear about sex from the other boys or saw it in the movies, he had a baseline to work with.
I told him the proper names for all the body parts. I told him the improper names for all the body parts. I told him all the slang words I knew. I looked up all the other words I didn’t know. He needed to know that it was safe to ask questions and feel confident in knowing that I would tell him the truth. Even if I didn’t know the answer, I would help him find the answer.
My parents never had any talks with me—about anything sex related. I didn’t even get the period talk. I learned about periods when a girl asked me about it and I said, “Yeah, that’s the dot at the end of a sentence.” I had so much to learn. Sadly, I learned about most of it in the wrong way. I asked my mother multiple times what those pads and strange cotton things were under the sink (I had three older sisters), but she refused to tell me.
When I got my first period, it was my sister who came to my rescue and my friend’s mother who told me what was happening with my body. I longed to have a relationship with my family that enabled me to communicate—about anything really, but especially about things that mattered.
Because I basically grew up alone (my sisters had moved out and my parents were preoccupied) I was fortunate that I had good friends. I was allowed to date a 19-year-old man when I was only 15. He had a full-time job and his own apartment. As a parent myself, I can’t imagine how that was acceptable. As I mentioned, my parents were preoccupied when I was growing up.
I’m lucky I didn’t get pregnant, or worse. The girlfriend of one of my boyfriend’s friends took me to Planned Parenthood and put me on the pill, so I dodged that bullet. I wished it had been my mom who talked to me about options and helped me to be safe.
As my son got older and I knew he may be venturing into exploring his sexuality, we talked a lot about safety. I bought condoms—several types, styles and sizes for him to try and get comfortable with. I also talked to him about the different birth control options girls have.
Given today’s date rape culture, consent is a hot-button issue. It was not something I included in my talk, because it honestly didn’t occur to me. I did talk to my son about mutual pleasure, mutual fun and enjoyment, but not specifically consent. However, I would recommend today’s parents address it as part of their conversation.
The dialogue we started early was so important because it enabled him to feel comfortable coming to me whenever anything was amiss—like a condom breaking and a need for back up birth control. Or, as he got older, just general open conversations.
The biggest thing I tried to relay in the conversations about sex with my son was that sex is good, it’s fun and there’s nothing shameful about it. Yes, sex is serious and it sometimes means commitment, but the most important thing about sex is that you talk about it. Sex is not something that must be done in the dark, in secret that you must ashamed of, as I was taught to believe. It’s an amazingly beautiful part of yourself that you and your partner(s) choose to share with one another.
Sex is about choice. It’s about pleasure. It’s about being protected. It’s about being safe. It’s about feeling good about the choices you make, not being ashamed. There’s no shame in sexuality, no matter your shape, size, gender, orientation, past, preferences or experience level. Your sexuality is part of who you are and there’s no shame in who you are. I love every part of you, and you should too.
As a single mother, I was in a unique position to have candid conversations with my son that many parents—mothers and fathers—shy away from. There’s no reason to shy away from any conversation with your child. If you can have the tough conversations with your child(ren) honestly and respectfully, then you can have any conversation with your child.
When your child wants to talk with you, you gain the world.
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Photo/Pixabay
This is exactly how I am raising my boys, with one caveat. They are being taught consent from the moment they can move. “Don’t touch like that, I don’t like it”, and “you don’t have to hug grandma if you don’t want to. Just say thank you and goodbye”. Why? Because it’s the primary protection against abuse and knowing that it’s ok to tell someone. Don’t teach your boys consent just so they don’t cross a line when they’re older. Teach them (and your girls) so that they can be as safe as possible. Teaching them that their body is… Read more »
Kids should get a comprehensive sexual education the moment they hit school like they do in Europe. Too many American parents don’t know how to explain sex since their parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc., were themselves never taught about sex and American society has not placed a priority on developing a sex curriculum program for the children.
I agree G.
This was a wonderful article , Melissa! XO
Thank you Jen. I appreciate the feedback!
Thanks for writing this article. Your description of your family (parents) is pretty much what I could say about mine, exactly – “I longed to have a relationship with my family that enabled me to communicate—about anything really, but especially about things that mattered.” I was the clueless one among my peers who was written off and made fun of when it came to sex and dating. It was the role I had among my peers. To deal with the pain and frustration of it, I isolated myself as I grew older, doing more and more by myself, and I… Read more »
“I suspect given age, dropping out of regular sport, gaining a part time job, he is lacking the physical exertion (and all their benefits) and ends up poking, prodding and generally annoying her. He looks at it as fun, but he ends up taking it too far.” Interesting. I’m thinking that part of it is awkwardness, the inability to understand how intimacy between a man and a woman works, resorting to that behavior because he’s never seen it, and only knows jocularity that he’d learned engaging his male friends.. Not your fault or his, just that he did not have… Read more »
Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Paul. Sadly, I think our experience was the norm for our generation. What we can do is break this trend for our children. As you said, it takes courage, but not that much. Yes, it was a bit awkward, but once you’ve had the tough conversation(s), you truly can have ANY conversation with your children. Then you gain the world. Literally. My son and I talk about all sorts of things I never DREAMED of talking about with my parents and that’s such a beautiful thing.
Thanks for the article. It has prompted me to ask if you have any advice for me, also a single mum, on how to educate my son on the finer details of how to ‘ be’ with a girl. (Affection and just hanging out behaviour) As he has not had a role model father figure since 6 years old,(and even then it was not ideal) his observations on how a well functioning relationship can only come from other sources. I am thankful that I have had open conversations with him (and his lovely girlfriend of 12+ months) about the incorrect… Read more »
Colleen, I’ve been thinking about your question and I will reply with some ideas when I have a bit more time. Glad to hear you’re having open conversations and talking to his girlfriend as well. That’s important.
It would be great to know if you had a doctor amputate your son’s foreskin after he was born … and, whether you did or did not, have you let your son know about the complex anatomy and functions of the foreskin … such as it’s benefit to women during intercourse?
Why would that be great to know? How does the state of her sons penis benefit you? When did it become acceptable to ask someone about their son’s penis?!?
I’m laughing. Hey Mel, long time no see. So how’s that son of yours penis doing these days? Circumcision is certainly a topic for discussion, just not applicable for this one. And that’s why I love ya Mel. Wish I had a mother like that. Know what our first discussion of sex was? I’d broken into an old car in someone’s back yard and found a playboy. Mom found out and proceeded to screech at me about how I’d just disrespected and degraded every women on the planet. Imagine how that would fuck with the mind of a ten year… Read more »
Good to see you DJ, I figured it wouldn’t be long before I saw you here. I have no idea how my son’s penis is. Thank God! Yeah, Playboy mags, been there. Found one under my son’s bed that he stole from his dad’s house. His dad claimed not to own any until I said, “he got it from the downstairs bathroom under the sink under a carpet sample.” Suddenly he recalled he may have some:) It’s surprising the things that our parents globbed onto. No concern over breaking into a car, but upset over looking at boobs? Really? I… Read more »
I don’t think it’s fair of me to answer that question and reveal highly personal information about my son (who is almost 21 now).