Know Yourself, Love Better

We tend to talk so much about “we” in relationships that sometimes, we forget about “me.” That is how easy it is to fall into the trap of thinking that if we are doing everything right as a couple (communicating, compromising, supporting, etc.,) then we are covered.

Unfortunately, there is another piece of the puzzle we often overlook: self-reflection. Yes, I am talking about taking a long, hard look in the mirror and asking, “What do I bring to the table here, for better or worse?”

“My description of self-reflection is taking a moment to ‘look in the mirror.’ You can be frustrated, resentful, angry, hurt, jealous, disappointed — all of those feelings are valid. But when you take a moment to ‘look in the mirror’ and ask yourself the question ‘What is this person/situation/interaction bringing up for ME?,’ you can gain a lot of clarity and direction.” — Tara Westerhouse, LCPC, PMH-C

Self-reflection is essential for a strong partnership. We need to take the time to understand ourselves, our own needs, our frustrations, and yes, our flaws as well. Whenever we skip this very important step hoping our partners will magically figure it out, we risk letting minor annoyances build up quietly in the background until they eventually burst out in conflicts.

The Next Step

With self-reflection comes accountability: taking ownership of how we act in the relationship. For instance, we need to hold ourselves accountable if we are always looking for the validation our partners can’t give us, or we are holding onto insecurities that are sabotaging our happiness, or we have failed to communicate our needs clearly, especially as our human partners can’t read minds.

Accountability also includes being big enough to apologize for our actions whenever the situation calls for it even though it is something a lot of people are uncomfortable with.

“Many times people don’t want out because the relationship is failing, but because they have not been honest with themselves about what they truly want or need.”

Here are just some of the ways self-reflection helps make our relationships healthier and more connected:

It helps you identify your emotional “sore spots”(when something in your past causes you to react strongly to certain situations). Recognizing such triggers allows you to manage your emotions better and prevent unnecessary conflicts.
By reflecting on key moments in your life, you can understand how they shaped your views about yourself, others, and the world. Hence, you understand why you behave the way you do in your relationships, especially during challenging times.
Reflection lets you spot patterns (good or bad) so you can decide if they are helping or hurting your current relationship.
Knowing the root causes of your strong emotional reactions will help you focus on the present moment instead of reliving past pain. You can, therefore, reduce your overreactions and increase the communication.
You can share your reflections with your partner to help them better understand your backstory. Such openness will hopefully deepen the bond and prevent misunderstandings.

Takeaway:

A strong relationship is much more than just doing things together, it is also about growing as individuals. This growth is greatly aided by self-reflection, and then we are able to bring our more balanced, healthier, and more fulfilled selves to the relationship. Partners who commit to growing in this way set the stage for a relationship that is far less likely to crumble when life throws in the inevitable curveball.

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“As we become more attuned to our inner world, we identify areas for self-improvement and growth. This personal development benefits the relationship because it encourages us to become better partners, continually striving to contribute positively to the partnership.” — Kaida Hollister

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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