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I am a better woman because I went through the experience of dating a man who was going through a divorce.
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It wasn’t planned. But, of course, it never is.
I was visiting my hometown for a weekend and he was visiting a local bar, thanks to the very persuasive powers of his friends and family. I was already a few drinks deep and he wasn’t far behind, but we struck up a conversation and danced like the drunken buffoons we were and, at the end of the night, exchanged numbers.
It took one phone call for him to tell me that he was in the middle of a divorce. It took only a few more conversations and rendezvous to cultivate a semi-serious relationship. When I moved back to my hometown we spent a lot of time together, I spent a lot of time with his son, and I spent a lot of time listening to him explain the circumstances surrounding his divorce, and the pains that inevitably followed.
And as quickly as we started, we ended. And while it wasn’t a relationship that lasted a substantial period of time, it was a relationship that taught me a great deal about myself, about what I wanted, and about the difficulties of dating someone who was once legally committed.
I learned that I would have to constantly share him. Not in body, necessarily, but definitely in mind. Legal proceedings and endless paperwork force people who are going through a divorce to live with one foot in the past, and one foot in a possible future. While he contemplated all the choices he made and the failures he experienced and the happiness he once felt, I was left in the dark; incapable of comprehending just how difficult that limbo is and was.
I learned that I couldn’t possibly be the only woman he would love. Even though his marriage was nearing its end and he was no longer in love with his estranged wife, he would always love her. Through the anger and disappointment and every bitter feeling in between, he would have a spot in his heart carved out specifically for her. Even—and especially—if he wasn’t willing to admit it. She shaped him. She helped make him who he was when I met him. And there wasn’t a single thing I could do or hopeful wish I could make, that could possibly erase her from his history.
I learned that age is not indicative of the actual place a person is in their life. While were close in years lived, we were lifetimes apart in terms of wants and desires and expectations. He had already experienced the comfort of a wife and a house and a routine while I was still looking for the excitement of a new relationship, void of necessities or boundaries or plans. We wanted different things because we had lived different lives, and it didn’t take very much time to realize the inevitable.
And when I heard he had reconciled with his wife, I learned that there are far more important things than the perception of “winning”. I was genuinely happy for him and the second chance they both found. I was genuinely excited for the son they shared, and his ability to wake up to mom and dad every morning. And while many would look at our situation and consider the single girl the “loser”, I found myself celebratory and proud of the individual places we had found ourselves.
And now that I have a son of my own and a family of my own, I am able to take what I learned from this dating experience and apply it to the relationship I now share with the man of my dreams. I am able to be patient when I need to be and share my son’s father with the people who matter to him. I’m able to swallow my pride and realize that winning arguments is not the most important and that, while we are relatively close in age, it’s our shared interests and paralleled desires that matter most.
I am a better woman because I went through the experience of dating a man who was going through a divorce.
I am a better partner for having lived through the moments that are never, ever planned.
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Photo: Getty Images
Never date a man who has ever been divorced. He couldn’t make his marriage work.. why would you think he could make a relationship work with you? Its like buying a used car after someone has already driven the crap out of it. Its a waste of time and effort and you’ll never be truly satisfied.
That’s dumb advice, siloette. MAybe he WIFE was the cause of the marriage not working out. I’m assuming you’re single :-/