—
It’s a weapon on its own: “You’re getting defensive.” When someone calmly says that to me when we’re having some strong emotion, it drives me nuts. Makes me think they’re “winning” the argument because they’re keeping their composure.
I start thinking in terms of winning/losing instead of connecting/learning often because I am getting defensive and instead of taking a few minutes to understand what I’m defending against, I’m reacting.
That’s not good.
How does defensiveness show up?
I think of defensiveness as often following the old fight-or-flight pattern (we’ve come to learn it’s actually “fight, flight, or freeze,” but we’re just going to focus on the first two today.)
One way defensiveness shows up is by withholding.
Someone says or does something and the reaction is to pull away and sink into some numbing behaviors. Maybe this means getting drunk or binge-watching TV, porn, Facebook . . . or the myriad other ways we anesthetize ourselves. Something upsets us and instead of engaging with the person or the feelings, we withdraw.
The other end of that spectrum is when we get very aggressive. Really going for the jugular of the person who’s upsetting us. Verbally attacking or shaming someone—and if this is our boss, our partner, or kids, this is really dangerous. Especially as verbal attacks don’t always stay verbal. Even if you’re not intending to harm someone, it’s way too easy to slam a door or throw something at a wall that ends up being someone’s face.
There are other ways, in fact, psychology has listed lots of “defenses”, but I’m focusing on these two today just to give you a sense of what to look out for because the next step is knowing when the impulse to do either one of these arises.
So first off: Do you know which camp you fall into? Are you more of a withholder or an aggressor?
What are we actually defending against?
As we study masculinity more and more—or if we think of the stereotypical man—we often point to how the only emotion men really feel comfortable expressing is Anger.
Hence we have lots of “anger management” classes and groups.
I’m fine with people learning more about how they express anger and learning to do so in a healthier way, but what needs to be talked about more is how anger is often (not always) a secondary emotion.
Since our society “allows” men to feel anger, it has become the catch-all for any other emotion a man may have, particularly of the vulnerable variety:
- Sadness
- Shame
- Fear
- Guilt
- Embarrassment
- Grief
This is often what pushes many of us into attack or retreat mode.
Allowing the Feelings
We can continue doing what we do—fight or fly—but that’s what leads to trouble and dissatisfaction and an unending cycle of men not doing or getting what they want from their own lives.
The alternative isn’t easy, though: It’s to get to know your defensive reactions well enough that you can choose to learn from them instead of fight them. Part of this is trusting yourself to feel the aforementioned vulnerable emotion knowing you’re going to slowly learn and it will not make you weaker or kill you. It certainly will not make you less of a man.
The first step is to step away, but not in a withdrawing-I’m-taking-my-toys-and-going-home type of way. It’s to get yourself into a private space for a few minutes and allow yourself to become curious about why you’re bugging out.
Maybe you’re going to step off the bus and sit on a bench for a bit. Maybe you’re going to go for a walk. Maybe it’s stepping into the bathroom just to get away from the intensity of the moment.
Here’s the difference from the withdrawing: you’re going to feel that emotion. You’re going to allow yourself to feel afraid. To realize how embarrassing that last interaction was. Hell, if you need to cry, cry.
You’ll learn that it’s temporary.
You’ll learn that it doesn’t break you.
Grab a piece of paper if that’s easier and free write for five minutes—or grab your phone and jot down some notes. Is there someone you really trust who won’t judge you? Call them and let them know what’s going on.
Is it really overwhelming? It doesn’t mean you’re “mentally ill” but maybe you’d benefit from working through this with a professional.
What’s the Point?
Why do this? Why get to know those feelings and what’s the benefit of doing this instead of fight or flight?
Because you want to succeed at work. You want to be a better boyfriend or husband. You want to be the best dad you can be.
You’ll spend a lot less energy feeling your feelings instead of trying to hide them.
—
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Photo credit: Getty Images