To be honest, I’ve been in both spaces. When I was married to my son’s dad, the hard part was finding the will to take my life back and leave. We’d been together for 13 years. We’d helped each other start new businesses. We’d weathered my mom dying and experienced many joys and sorrows. We’d even moved with our son to a new country. I’d grown as a person and, to some extent, so had he. Just not enough to manage his own emotions, and although I loved him, I was tired of being his emotional punching bag and saw no hope for change. But how to end a marriage that was such a mixture of good and bad? Where could I find the courage, the will, to end things?
I pondered and mulled and processed. Then, on New Year’s Day in 2009, I went for a walk by myself on our 35-acre property in Costa Rica. Standing on a hill overlooking the Pacific Ocean, miserable and at a loss, I said out loud, “Let this be the end. Let this be the last New Year’s Day I am here, in this relationship. Let next year bring me a different life.” And somehow those words, that intention, carried me, and by April of the year, I had moved out. What is interesting, upon reflection, is that something shifted for me that January day. I realize now that I stopped focusing so much on whether or not I needed to end things, and began focusing more on how I would do it. Gaining the will helped me begin to figure out the way.
By contrast, I had been married before this, at a very young age. After four years with an emotionally abusive, immature, ne’er do well who couldn’t keep a job and was, to be honest, a complete and utter idiot, I knew I needed to get out. I was only 26 and felt life must have more in store for me than this. The problem was, I had no idea how. Honestly, it seemed impossible to make it on my own (it didn’t help that he controlled all our finances and important decisions). One night I was with my best friend (who completely and utterly hated my husband), complaining again about his stupidity and mistreatment, but moaning that I just couldn’t leave, how would I cope on my own?
With a great deal of self-management and patience, she pulled out a notebook and said, “Ok, let’s see if that’s true. How much do you make? How much do you think you’d need to pay on rent?” And so on. To my utter shock and surprise, once we wrote everything down, the way started to become clear. Realizing I could indeed afford to support myself, I mentioned to another friend that I was ready to leave and he offered me a temporary apartment. I told my boss my marriage was breaking up and he agreed to let me close my sales office and give me a stipend towards new housing (nicer than I could afford without this). Again, upon reflection, I realize that as the way become clearer, my will strengthened as well. I think it was no more than a week (if that) after the conversation with my friend until I left.
So where do I recommend starting? The will or the way? Well (nothing profound here), I’d say simply start wherever you are. If you find yourself ruminating on the way, work on that. If you can’t seem to find the will, work on that. Or do it in reverse and see how that works. If you can’t summon the strength and are at a loss that you ever can, put energy towards how you might do it. Seeing a clear path may help you feel stronger in your resolve. And if you can’t see a way, because it feels all too complicated and impossible, focus on why this is so important to you and what would be possible if you did end things. Ways may open up as you do, because ultimately, the two are linked.
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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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