Lessons From My Therapist: is it Love Bombing or ADHD?

Around two months ago I met an incredible partner.

‘I found’ Him, I thought. Tall, handsome, kind, smart, loves me immensely and his primary purpose seems to be…well, me! He is everything I asked the universe for.

But…was it?

First date, then two days later our second and then without me even noticing, we were spending every waking hour of the day together. He practically moved into my place. After six days he told me that he didn’t know where he stood for me, but that he was mine.

After one week we had met he asked me please not to get scared but that he ‘pre-loved me’. He was able to hold the L word in for another week then he couldn’t keep it to himself any longer: he LOVED me. He loved me more than he had ever loved anyone before.

When I love you comes a little too soon…

If you have been in this situation before you know exactly what I’m talking about. How do you respond to an ‘I love you’ when you’re not there yet? Even worse, when you’re not even close to it yet?

Thank you? Me too?

You like the other person, you don’t want to scare them off yet you are simply not there . Also, as those of you who have also been in the dating pool for a while know, there is such a thing as love bombing, and I began to wonder if I hadn’t once again fallen into the same situation.

Truth is, he seemed to be much too honest and genuine to be love bombing me. But isn’t that how we always feel when this is taking place? Love bombing can be incredibly flattering, especially after having fallen flat on your face again and again in your attempt to find love.

I decided the situation was much too complex for Google, so I turned to the best source of information I know: my therapist.

Lessons from my therapist: ADHD in love edition

One detail I failed to mention is that within the first 2 minutes of meeting this guy you can clearly see he is the most hyperactive person you’ve ever met. A week into us dating he did in fact specify he was ADHD, thus I know for certain that it’s not a made up diagnosis.

Let’s start by saying that understanding human behavior is so complex that even though this was my case, it may not be the case for all. Having said this my therapist said: this is typical ADHD in love behavior.

When someone with ADHD falls in love, they tend to focus all of their attention towards their beloved, developing extremely strong feelings that cannot be compared to what anyone who is not neurodivergent is likely to feel.

Differently from love bombers, neurodivergent men and women in love are actually experiencing exactly what they are communicating: they feel madly in love with you. Even if you are someone who falls quick, you are unlikely going to fall like they do.

She also warned me that this love/obsession can be substituted at any point in time: she often sees couples who have been together for years come in to see her as the ADHD person in the couple suddenly became obsessed with something new, thus redirecting all that attention in a new direction. This doesn’t mean that they no longer love their partners, it simply means that they have something new they are passionate about. Partners suddenly feel like they have been dropped so the relationship may become strained.

Upon learning this new piece of information I confronted my partner, trying to understand if it sounds like him. He confirmed, but he said that he will never switch his attention to something else: ‘you are my world’, he said. I know he means it.

We met two and a half months ago. It’s beautiful, and it’s alos a lot.

A sense of overwhelm and a feeling of guilt

The first month sailed by. Everything was so intense that those around me treated me as if I had been married to the guy for years. It felt like multiple months.

After month one: panic.

To recap, I had made the list of what I wanted, I read it for 21 days to retrain my brain to notice what I want as opposed to unavailable a*holes, and I found a wonderful, loving, intelligent, sweet beautiful man.

Yet here I am my friends, trying to figure out what went wrong, why I’m in this beautiful loving relationship feeling stressed, overwhelmed and desperately missing my single life. Yes, I mean the single life I hated and bitched about for so long.

Anyone I meet on the street (I haven’t had any free time to be alone nor to see my friends) asks me what’s happened to me: I look completely exhausted. My body is suffering too.

Yet he is WONDERFUL, truly the most amazing boyfriend I have ever had. He is a man who is truly here for me, by my side, loving me and ensuring I well know that he will be there for as long as I want him to be. He is a treasure and a sweetheart which is why I have developed a deep rooted sense of guilt for all of my negative feelings.

When you miss being single (though you hated being single)

I miss waking up alone in my bed, having a morning routine, going to work out, the possibility of anything happening.

I miss doing things with friends alone.

I miss being able to do what I want when I want without having to check in with someone else.

I miss coming home to my own flat, reading and watching tv; half cooking half not. I miss not having to buy and cook all this food.

I miss having moments of solitude, myself all to myself. I miss just existing; not having to do stuff as a couple or just having to get organized for the weekend to fill it with stuff.

I miss not being able to work in the weekends without planning it, just when I want to.

(I also kind of miss my avoidant ex.)

Okay I’m done bitching.

What should I do now?

When you haven’t put enough boundaries

A friend asked me something very useful: how can he succeed at loving me properly if he doesn’t know what I need?

It’s like he’s playing a game he doesn’t have the rules for so he’s set out to loose.

When you’ve given him zero boundaries, zero indication that this is too much for you, that you need more space for you, how can he not fail at the task at hand?

So true.

Boundaries scare me, especially after years of dating avoidants. What if I regret putting a boundary? What if I scare off the person?

I have been silent for a couple of months from you, my readers. I know. In truth I was trying to make sense of what’s happening and of how I feel. Also, I am completely exhausted.

I am learning that when dealing with someone who experiences love in a completely different way from you, you have to be very clear and very vocal about what you need. It is absolutely normal that you don’t feel the way they are feeling as you will be processing your emotions in a completely different way.

Surviving/ recovering from a tornado of love

I am trying, my friends, to recover my missing energy from running around trying to entertain someone who was genetically programmed to have 10X the energy levels I have, however it’s not easy task. I need to set boundaries.

If you are wondering whether the person you are dating is ADHD or love bombing you, don’t self diagnose. Also, let’s try not to generalize.

Having said this, I hope what I learned from my therapist can be of help to you too should you incur in the same situation and feel completely worn out from your tornado of a human, so that you can comprehend your sense of overwhelm and how to interpret theirs.

Ask the questions, check in with the person, and remember to take the time you need for yourself.

If you are as exhausted as I am, don’t forget to take a nap.

See you soon, my friends. I promise.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***