Amore,
Another year has passed and as I jump on a last minute flight to head back to Milano to celebrate my 36th birthday, my first thought goes to you.
Where the F are you?
Seriously now, last year it was funny but I am starting to get a little bit sad by your non-arrival in my life.
Let me update you on the year gone by.
It has been a beautiful but challenging year.
Work is finally shaping up. I stopped waiting for you to appear to make life choices such as the city I want to live in — FYI we are back in London — and I am looking for a flat to buy. It may not be our forever home, my love, for that I am awaiting for your arrival, however I am most definitely taking you into consideration as I avoid anything with low ceilings (knowing your considerable height) or without a mini-second room for days in which we need a bit of alone times.
In truth, my forever home will be wherever you are, I don’t need anything else.
This year I have become emotionally more stable (if you don’t ask the people I dated and my friends and if you exclude hormones during egg freezing treatment). I am not at my perfect weight or making as much money as I had planned on but I have began realizing my worth once again, something I had lost with my music dreams a few years ago.
This was a year of loss. Grandma joined Grandpa up in the sky. She was my person, my spirit animal, my partner in crime. I think about them every day.
Frankly, I genuinely thought you had arrived when a gorgeous Australian I had known as an acquaintance for 10 years asked me out on a date out of the blue. Everyone thought it was You.
I went on my first couple’s vacation in years, I took my first Bank Holiday weekend off and decided to work a fraction of what I normally do just to be with someone I thought was You.
An excessive dose of Xanax later, with no warning nor explanation, the potential You ended it. I never spoke to him again.
How was I to know that he wasn’t in fact You?
From this I learned endings, my love. I won’t waste as much time as I did, next time I realize it’s not actually You. I will let go.
I found myself once again on a summer vacation without your arms wrapped around me. I missed you.
Back to London from holidays I decided to attempt opening my heart once more and was attacked. It brought back old wounds, deep ones, and scared me very much. I wish you had been there to protect me.
But I wasn’t going to let this take away my energy, my wellbeing and my willpower to find You. No, my love, I was not about to give up.
Once again I had a mirage. You weren’t a tall, fit, handsome Australian, instead you were a gorgeous olive skin, black haired, black eyed Muslim Moroccan boy. Boy my love, because 32 is quite a bit younger than what I’m used to.
I knew this could be trouble, I knew there was a chance it wasn’t in fact You, however we both know I love the fact that you’re so passionate about changing the world and I held on to the possibility that you were doing so though hydrogen production.
I decided I could be Your support agent though a professional journey that had just begun despite You not being ready for what I had been looking for.
Maybe, in hindsight, I knew it wasn’t You.
I don’t know, my love, for a split second I thought maybe he would do, that maybe I didn’t need for You to arrive, that I could head in a different direction and still be happy. I was once again wrong, he was too young, he was too far behind and I am once again sleepless and without your arms around me for my 36th birthday.
In truth as I write this there are four days left to my birthday and my positive heart is still hoping you may show up before I actually turn 36.
This year I decided to freeze my eggs. I wanted us to have options baby. Now we do.
I wish I could tell you that being patient is easy but it has been a real struggle. Charlie set up a dinner next week with someone he met he believes is You. I cannot want for Thursday, I cannot wait for You.
I hope you are kind, and patient, for once a heart suffers this much wreckage, it’s bound to need a little extra time to feel safe and home in another. I hope you will embrace me and my dreams of a family. I hope you have already discovered life, I hope you are aligned with yourself, that you have put some work on discovering who you are.
The rest, we can paint together. We have a lifetime for it.
Once again my love, you my true wish for my 36th birthday.
With much love x
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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