Videographer and YouTuber Casey Neistat and his wife Candice hosted a podcast a few years back called ‘Couples Therapy’ to discuss — yep, you guessed it — relationships. In one episode, Casey’s perspective on a taboo topic really stuck with me and I have since adapted this to approach other similar hurdles in life.
The couple discussed what they would do if they caught their significant other cheating.
On the surface level, this question may seem a little… silly. Clearly hearing the news about our loved one committing adultery would cause even the calmest of us into an emotional rollercoaster!
That’s not to even mention the desire to get some sort of ‘pay-back’ — whether that’s committing the exact act or destroying the other’s possessions.
Cue car-keys-scraping-across-ex-lovers-car.soundtrack.mp3!
I once read someone taking revenge by injecting gallons of milk into the mattress of her ex-partner. You can only guess what that smelled like a few days into the summer heat…
But Casey’s response was simple, logical.
His response was to accept the act, end the relationship and move on.
That’s it. No need to ask why, or how long it’s been going on for, and with who.
Casey’s explanation was that if your partner is going to cheat, they will do it. It was done, you can now end the relationship and move on. Get on with your life.
Not Your Fault, But Your Responsibility
It is probably a lot easier said than done, but this mind-set is still something worth exploring. Without looking into what the dynamics of the relationship were before, if you were cheated on, there really isn’t much you can do about it.
Nobody deserves this and I hope we all have the ability to leave such toxic relationships. As Will smith once said — things may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to fix.
Meaning, it may not be your fault that your partner had an affair, but it is now your responsibility to look after your situation.
When I was working for a risk management consultancy, I had the privilege of taking part in its Hostile Environment Awareness Training [HEAT] course. Our ex-special force instructor constantly hammered into our heads one central point: only you are responsible for your own safety.
What is done is done — it’s time to look after yourself.
That Easily Off The Hook?
But you may be thinking… why should I let that cheating b****** off so easily? They need to know how hurt I am, and that I never deserved this.
These may all be true. But letting go is for you, not them. It is exhausting to carry that vendetta against someone, to consume your energy in every waking moment. More revolting is to allow them to affect your day, week, month.
It is vital to keep a positive mind as your mental health plays a phenomenal role in your overall wellbeing. We often let our mental stability deteriorate long before we notice as it is not as tangible to monitor as our physical health.
When you come to accept what had just happened to you, you need to remind yourself that during the relationship, you were being your authentic self and the cause of the breakup is the other person’s loss.
Seeking Closure
Still… we may still want closure even if we can walk away. But it may be too painful to confront this person after what they had done, or you want to know the reason, just not the conversation. An interesting quote I once read was ‘knowing you tried your best is the best closure’.
We hope that the closure will give us the reason, and in turn, help settle the emotions and doubt we bombard our minds with for why things happened the way they did.
We may even tell ourselves that we ‘deserve’ closure. But more often than not, the closure we seek places the focus on the other person, not ourselves. We are therefore not prioritising our own wellbeing.
Coming To Terms With It All
Events are categorised into two groups — A) External force, and B) Your actions.
In the former, you have no influence on how things turn out. Where there is good, there is evil. If your partner wants to cheat, there is really little you can do. It is out of your control.
In group B, however, are the things you do have power over. When you’re being a supportive partner, listening to understand — you are in control of what is happening.
To stress over the external, things out of your control, is to invite never-ending waves of negativity.
Focusing on your own actions is to validate your autonomy and the good/evil you put in the world. Even if your relationship ends due to an affair, your faithfulness and love at the time were all you could have given on your side. Knowing you gave it your all, even if things didn’t work out, is your greatest closure.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Brett Jordan on Unsplash