Divorce can be a harrowing experience, but it doesn’t mean that life is over.
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Thanksgiving day I sat at my ex-wife’s house enjoying the company of our children, my parents, former in-laws, and friends. We have been converging there for several years, like one great big modern family.
Most people don’t understand how we remain friends. Many divorced couples have little more to say about each other then venomous insults. Holidays tend to be stressful, but holidays for us is the time our families come together more than usual.
No one ever plans to get divorced and going through it can feel like the end of world. But there is hope and life gets better, if we’re willing to work at it.
♦◊♦
When my wife and I got married, our relationship was further secured by the fact that our families had known each other for years. Our parents attended the same church and we all shared mutual friendships.
Of course, the benefit became a liability once divorce entered the picture and friends were forced to choose sides. Both immediate and extended families were ripped apart. The dynamic that started as strength became the hottest point of contention.
The first couple of years following our divorce were the most difficult. We had the usual fights over custody, money and property. In hindsight, we settled our disputes quickly compared to others. Neither one of us liked the contention. Nevertheless, our relationship changed from husband and wife to co-parents. Our personalities and parenting styles couldn’t have been any more different.
Nowadays, those years seem a long time ago. We spend all of the major holidays together. Our children are both teenagers and my ex-wife and I are both in long-term relationships. We also like each other’s significant other.
The turning point was slow, particularly for me because I didn’t want to let go of the relationship.
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The turning point was slow, particularly for me because I didn’t want to let go of the relationship. I didn’t want to face the issues she said I had. Blaming her was my way of avoiding a look at myself. But it also took a terrible situation and made it last that much longer.
Fear kept me from looking inward; fear kept me from moving forward. My mind ran wild with the “what if’s.” In fact, I was so afraid of the future after she left that I replaced everything we had with the same furniture where I could find it and the same colors where I couldn’t. I put it all in the same places trying to hold on to the past. None of that filled the emptiness that consumed me, particularly when my kids weren’t home.
I’ve learned that misplaced expectations are the number one killer of all relationships. Those are the expectations we seldom express. Every one of us goes into relationships with them. They are the expectations that the other person will be, look, and act in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves. In my case, it was a beautiful woman on my arm to validate my low sense of self-worth. And of course coming from a traditional family, I expected her to do all of the housework, cleaning and raising of kids while holding down a full-time job. We never talked about it, I just assumed.
It took years to figure out what was going on, and years more to finally let go of expecting others to emotionally take care of me, including my ex-wife.
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I carried those expectations with me into other relationships when I finally ventured out on the dating scene eight years after she left. I needed validation more than ever. I had to prove that my failed relationship wasn’t my fault. It took years to figure out what was going on, and years more to finally let go of expecting others to emotionally take care of me, including my ex-wife.
My expectations were never about her; they were always about me being in control. Relinquishing that control set me free to accept her exactly as she is. It also helped me to accept me, exactly as I am.
I was certain divorce would be the end of me because I was so unnerved by it all. As I explain in my book, I isolated myself for six years just trying to get a grasp what was going on. It was never how I expected life to be and I couldn’t imagine my children – my children – coming from a broken home. We weren’t supposed to be like everyone else. We were good, church-going Christians and this didn’t happen to people like us, or so I thought.
Broken relationships hurt and are a part of life, but hey are not the end of life. They are lessons about who we are and how we interact with the world around us. Perceptions are just that, perceptions. They are not “the truth,” only our truth and it’s vital that we share our perceptions with the people we are in relationships with.
I’ve finally learned to put my cards on the table, telling my significant other exactly what I think and feel. It’s a vulnerable, risky thing to do, especially for someone who has struggled to feel worthy of love.
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I’ve finally learned to put my cards on the table, telling my significant other exactly what I think and feel. It’s a vulnerable, risky thing to do, especially for someone who has struggled to feel worthy of love. More so for someone who has been hurt. In fact, one of the biggest fears in my marriage was being exposed, or known for who I was. In a twist of fate, years later, my ex-wife said she probably would have stayed if I’d only been able to be honest with her. At the time, it was an impossible task.
Today I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned about what it means to be human. Life is never about perfection – perfect family, perfect house – and it’s certainly not about holding to the standards or ideals other people have of us. Life is about living in absolute authenticity. It’s a lesson I might not have learned, or been able to teach my kids had it not been for the divorce.
The good news is that my kids are fine. I have a great relationship with both of them and their mother and we have consistently co-parented, sharing all of the decisions, finances and involvement. They have been our priority through the ups and downs, fighting and celebrations.
♦◊♦
My life did not turn out the way I thought it would, and I have many regrets. At the end of the day, however, I learned from my mistakes, became a better human being, and learned a little more compassion along the way. There is life after divorce and it is good.
Photo – Flickr/Canadian Pacific
Interesting article about the necessity of remaining civil when a relationship breaks down and there are kids involved. I went through a similar experience and have managed to remain largely on good terms despite a lot of anger and hurt. The growth which occurs is definitely one of the positive effects of what is a very painful experience. Like the author, I am grateful for my daughter’s well-being despite being in a broken family. I also have many regrets, but have learnt not to let this dominate my life. A useful and hopeful contribution to a phenomenon that is fast… Read more »