One year since the shutdown from the pandemic.
One year since I’ve had the biggest transformation than I’ve had in many years combined. I wanted to write “mutation” but I’m not at X-Men level. Yet. I’m committing to always being a work in progress.
One year since I threw a grenade at my marriage. Then picked it back up and barreled over everything slowly, with a tank.
One year since I was still happily in bliss with the guy I was having an affair with. I never thought that at this point I’d love someone so mind-blowingly exceptional and not have him. It wouldn’t have dawned on me that things could go awry as they did or how my heart kicked me in the nuts emotionally for months after it ended.
One year since I thought my boss would beat cancer. I didn’t see him over the pandemic, I had no idea how severe it had gotten. He was the kindest person and I’m incredibly blessed that at least I had a few years with him. It’s been three weeks since he died; the pandemic outlasted him.
One year since my kids dropped academically and both need early intervention help. A year ago, my daughter climbed the monkey bars at recess and did track-and-field. Now, she went from a size XS to a size L. I bought her an oversized pair of shorts but they didn’t fit around her stomach but the return window passed so I kept them for myself.
And yet…
In one year I’ve seemingly spent all my time holed up in my bedroom-turned-office. I’ve watched life happen from behind this very pretty but completely useless desk (I bought it when I thought this would only last three months). Cabin fever doesn’t even begin to describe it. We’ve been good citizens by social distancing which, compared to my life before, meant isolation.
How can so much happen when at the same time, nothing is happening?
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My quasi-ex-husband Joseph and I separated during this pandemic but chose to stay in the same house during it. My children are young and have high-needs; it’s a two-person job that changes duty on an hour-by-hour basis. Also, their lives went to hell enough as it is during all of this and I didn’t want to compound things with an extra emotional burden.
Plus, I didn’t want to risk losing my house. I put a small fortune into this house to have it customized the way that I like. In the absence of knowing if my husband would have to go back to a long commute, forcing me to take the children 98% of the time, I didn’t know if I would have child support to offset the mortgage.
I’m now planning for a nesting situation. That’s where the parents rotate out of the house and the children stay in one spot. Less traumatic for them and much less of a hassle for us. My kids are forever losing things when they’re under one roof, under two roofs it’ll be a complete nightmare.
Will nesting work? Not in the long run. But it’s another transition stage that I’m hoping helps the children become accustomed to life with just one parent at a time.
It’s so close on the horizon that I can seriously plan out our finances. This vision of my life feels tangible now that we’re in the home stretch.
I have been hustling to put money towards our savings, to beef it back up to the nice even number that it was before my quasi-ex-husband got hair transplant surgery. It was my “umm, sorry for breaking up with you but now you’ll be more bangable to the chicks” gift from our savings.
In Southern California, rent is absurdly high. Not a surprise until you have to sit down with a calculator and an Excel spreadsheet. To rent a small condo for our planned nesting costs more than the mortgage on my good-sized house.
Joseph wants us to take our savings and put them towards the purchase of a condo so that we’re not wasting money. “And then if we can’t get along, then what? What if we can’t sell it?”
He replied, “then we rent it out”. Yeah, I’m not quite sure I want to be on the hook of more property with someone I’m trying to get away from.
I agreed to try nesting for a few months with renting before considering buying. But now that I see these numbers, my instinct to put money into something with a return investment (as well as a lack of a landlord) is kicking in.
I’m a planner. Answering the dreaded, “where do you see yourself in five years?” question was a breeze. A year ago, I never could have anticipated that I’d be making such overwhelmingly drastic changes. My answer to the five year question was completely wrong.
***
There is no way a year ago I could have guessed that emotionally, I’d be in a better state. It still aches not having Jon in my life (I lost a valuable friend as well), but otherwise I’m a linebacker hopping up and down while repeating, “Put me in, Coach!”
Once I stopped letting the negativity from my childhood consume my mental state, I finally felt a hint of invincibility. When you snap and decide you no longer can live a particular way, you’ll throw grenades at everything you feared in the past.
For me, that was telling Joseph that I was done with our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, it sucked. Months of his drama and hysterics, all while confined under the same roof. And yet, I felt better about the decision as each day went by. I was terrified and unsure a year ago about divorce; now, I’m certain it’s the best path forward.
To keep an open mind about change, I’ve tried more hippie-like methods to my thinking that in the past made me cringe. Daily affirmations, gratitude logs, creating boundaries, and meditation are things that I’m embracing. Do they work? Shrug. Fuck if I know. Do I feel like a baller? Yes, yes I do.
Waking up every day felt like I’d experience Groundhog Day until the day I died. Now, despite being stuck with nowhere to go, I wake up feeling excited to move a step closer to the life I want to lead. I have goals, some silly and some serious, that I never would have even considered a year ago. Every day I look forward to the next steps in my goals. It’s a lot more fun to focus on goals instead of counting all the ways my life sucks. It’s also the first time I’ve focused my energy completely on myself, instead of spreading it out with a love interest. It’s a game-changer.
I’m challenging myself daily to be an improved version of who I used to be.
***
One group of friends is messaging me right now. This is how I maintained my friendships: group chats. It’s the best I can do in the absence of my daily social lunches, playdates, and Moms’ Night Outs.
A friend posted a picture of a life-sized Harry and Megan cake to our group chat.
“Why would you want to dig into their heads?” replies another friend.
“I was thinking why would you want to dig into their crotches?” I text back.
A year ago, I might have felt like I was too crass and unrefined for posting that. Now, I’m embracing all aspects of myself. If there’s anything I learned in one year, it’s that life is too short to hate yourself.
I’m hoping for anyone who has also sheltered in place due to the pandemic, that you can treat your dwellings like a chrysalis where you’ll emerge as a better, stronger version of yourself. Your cocoon may have an excessive amount of Amazon packages and Uber Eats delivered to it but none of that matters when you break free after a year of social hibernation.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Ben White on Unsplash