The following is a response I gave to a client who asked me how he could meet women even though he is very shy.
You are going to get exactly who you are.
Think about this: I’m a boisterous person and I’m over the top. A woman who is shy and quiet might be intrigued by me, but the thought of hanging out with me for longer than ten minutes would probably drive her nuts. She wouldn’t want to do it because I’m way too hyperactive and crazy.
But for you, as someone who is shy – which many people are – you’re going to attract another person who is shy. You, as a shy person, are not going to approach a Type A woman, because she will intimidate the hell out of you. You’re not ready for that.
But what you are ready for is women who have mannerisms like you; women who are quiet like you. You have to find yourself.
And a lot of women are like that – I would say at least 70% of women are shy, so you have a lot of women to choose from! If you start talking to the women that are also shy, you’ll realize that when you think your heart is beating a million beats per minute and she can see it through your shirt, it’s not! When you feel your lip quivering when you try to smile, she’s feeling the exact same way!
You both are basically mirror reflections of each other. If you keep that in mind, and realize that this woman that you’re attempting to talk to right now is as equally as shy as you, you’re going to realize how much you have in common.
You could even say to her – and I’ve told guys this often – if you’re talking to a woman in a coffee shop, you could say to her, “man, it’s so nice talking to you, I never really talk to people in public.”
You can say the things that are on your mind, and she’ll respond, “oh my god, I’m the same way! I feel the same way!” So don’t be so afraid to let yourself out. You’ll start gradually increasing your confidence, and the women you start attracting will be gradually more and more confident.
This is not to say that the women that are shy and not yet that confident are not amazing – because you’re a good guy, you’d be a great boyfriend in a relationship – probably much better than me. You’d be more loyal, more loving, and more appreciative – just because you’ve struggled more with this thing.
You don’t have the bigger-better mentality that I’ve had – where I think, hey, she’s hot, but I could go get hotter. You’ll be more like, she’s really cool, I really like her, and she’s sweet.
And remember what we talked about – when you’re the good guy (which many of us are) you need to make sure you read up on sex and kick ass in bed, and this woman is going to be thinking, I’ve got the best guy in the world! She’ll think you’re a bad boy, just because you’re good in bed.
So realize that everything is a reflection. You’re attracted to a certain type of woman that is just like you. We all are.
Patrick: You’ll also find that the whole mirror thing works both ways. Not only when you are nervous, she’s nervous too, but if you are calm, even if she was nervous, you’re inducing her to be calm with you. Your presence can make everyone around you come down to earth too.
David: Yeah, do you remember when I said that you have a very calming presence? When you let go and you smile, you are really engaging and warm. When you were smiling at the clothing store and on the beach, you were so calm. People feel safe and comfortable around you.