Steven Shewach examines his ego when a confrontation with a guy riding a kiddie bike shows him he still has work to do on his personal development.
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A couple of weeks ago I received another opportunity to continue EATing; that’s Emotional Agility Training. It’s step number four of my four-step Mind Taming Training program that I developed to cure myself of OES – Obese Ego Syndrome. The goal being greater awareness of my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and physiological responses as influenced by internal and external stimuli and my subsequent reactions, behaviors, and actions. This has been a powerful, and sometimes painful, skill acquisition where I’ve learned to hone my ability to process thoughts and emotions on-the-fly, absent (most of the time) the fight or flight response, and in turn choose actions that bring me and others a mutually beneficial and drama-free outcome. This invokes the greatest superpower known to humankind, the power of choice.
The Setup
I returned to my car ahead of my wife and in-laws several minutes before the meter was to run out while they were finishing shopping. Rather than putting in more money because I’m a wee bit miserly, I decided to enjoy the wonderful weather and just wait near the car for them to arrive. All the while keeping an eye out for a meter-checker person (can’t call them meter maids anymore can we?)
On the sidewalk, a few feet from my car and in front of a frozen yogurt joint, was a simple upside-down U-shaped bike rack with two kids bikes locked up; one on each of the verticals. I’m 99.9% certain the bike rack is owned by the city and not the yogurt joint. I leaned back on the curved part of the smooth tubular metal rack, in between the two bikes, being mindful to not to hit them—even though they were just junky kids bikes. It was the perfect perch to commence waiting for my family due to it’s conducive height to my butt and it’s smooth surface. My back was towards the window of the yogurt shop as I was looking out across the street to a park so I could people watch and and enjoy the sun.
And then…
Within a minute or so I heard a voice that seemed to be directed at me; something about not leaning on the bike rack. I turned around to see a bearded, tattooed, bandana-wearing hipster dude in his 30′s come out of the yogurt shop with his big-rimmed glasses-wearing, hair-dyed hipster girlfriend carrying their respective biodegradable yogurt cups. Beard boy called out to me and conveyed he was uncomfortable with me leaning on the bike rack. Again, in case you missed it earlier, I was not touching the bikes. He asked me to not lean on the rack because of my proximity to their bikes. As if my snap judgment, based solely on their looks wasn’t enough; but now that I knew they were the owners of said bikes they were reassessed as: ‘stupid hipster refuse-to-age-gracefully adults who like to ride kids BMX-style bikes that are entirely too small for them’.
The moment I realized he was talking to me, my hackles went up. At first it was probably because I thought this burly dude was going to physically engage me. But alas, he rides a kids bike. Threat level returned to neutral. I had two thoughts in quick succession of each other. First, I was impressed that he was taking ownership of his feelings by conveying them to me clearly—that it was he who was uncomfortable with me so close to their bikes. Second, on another more primal level, a litany of ego-based thoughts immediately formed in my mind, including:
- You think I’ll jack up your shitty kids bikes. I’m some heathen who has no regard for these bikes – albeit little chintzy kids bikes? How dare you make the assumption I’m some rogue property damager.
- Do you, Mr. Too-old-to-be-riding-this-stupid-piece-of-shit-kids-bike, own this fucking bike rack? Because I don’t think you do and since that’s all I’m touching, you best back off bearded bandana boy.
Or Maybe It Unfolded Like This
Mr. TOTBRTSPOSKB (coming out of yogurt shop): Hey man, I’m uncomfortable with you leaning on that bike rack. Can you not do it?
Me: Um – I’m not touching your bikes.
Mr. TOTBRTSPOSKB: I was watching from inside and it just makes me uncomfortable. Can you not do it?
Me: I was careful not to touch the bikes
Mr. TOTBRTSPOSKB: Can’t you just not do it?
Me: I could, but I don’t see what the problem is.
(Even though I was already aware of and somewhat impressed that he was owning his uneasiness and asking for what he wanted)
Mr. TOTBRTSPOSKB (increased tone of frustration): What’s your problem? I’m asking you to not lean on the rack. Why don’t you lean on your car?
Me: (Slight pause) You know what – I will.
Mr. TOTBRTSPOSKB: OK
Me: OK
(Hipster couple turns around and goes back inside and I lean on my car, now facing the yogurt shop window, trying to look cool)
A-n-d scene.
Let’s Break It Down
It was a bizarre exchange no doubt. While there was some testosterone jockeying as part of the affront to my ego, I was standing there thinking this guy is owning his shit. He’s acknowledging his reaction to an external stimulus—in this case me—getting too close to their cheap, goofy bikes. There was this weird dissonance occurring because I simultaneously applauded his ownership and accountability but couldn’t seem to initially reconcile that it was me who was generating his strife and discomfort; at least from his perspective. I acquiesced because I quickly realized that what he was experiencing was true for him. It was futile to argue with him about his version of reality. Which was that my presence and proximity posed a threat to some he was (perhaps overly) attached to.
Although at first I wanted to argue with him, mostly to defend my ego, I realized that our two realities were, in that moment, quite polarized. And since he was owning his reality and it really wasn’t a big deal to lean on my car instead, I could, should and would comply with his request.
Take Off The Mind Taming Training Training Wheels
In keeping with my current exploration and study of total personal accountability, responsibility and ownership of all things past, current and future in my life, I was caught between Old Me wanting to defend my ego because it was still somewhat obese and New Me who was learning how to cultivate compassion and empathy for other people; especially when they are experiencing a moment (or many moments) of inner disequilibrium. This is neuroplasticity in action.
Even in retelling this story, I’ve purposely made fun of their kid bikes repeatedly and in doing so I’ve shown it’s still me who’s got work to do. It’s me who needs to look in the mirror and ask why am I triggered by adults who ride kids bikes? Why do I judge them? They’re not breaking laws or hurting people.
So to Mr. Too-old-to-be-riding-this-stupid-piece-of-shit-kids-bike, thank you.
You provided me with another opportunity to become aware of, question, and choose my responses and behavior. You’ve played a very helpful role in my personal growth and development. Maybe we can go go for a bike ride together sometime. Just know, I’ll be riding my big boy bike.
Originally appeared at Love More, Hurt Less.com
Photo: Elvert Barnes/Flickr
I found this article as entertaining as it was educational, and funny as it was poignant.
Ultimately, the author was sharing an experience that could have elevated into a fight, and instead chose the high road. Is it really that important to fight over who’s right? Isn’t right subjective anyway?
I think it was Tony Robbins who said, “You can be right or you can be loving. And you get to choose.”
As for one of the more specific comments, sorry you got your bike stolen; yes, that totally sucks.
“greater awareness of my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and physiological responses as influenced by internal and external stimuli and my subsequent reactions, behaviors, and actions” = acting like a decent human being. You ask “Why do I judge them? They’re not breaking laws or hurting people,” then tear the dude down again in the very next sentence. Sounds like you still have a lot of work ahead of you. Maybe you should spend less time writing self-satisfied articles that mock others under the guise of therapy, and instead devote that energy to assessing the real you (not the flip, “look how… Read more »
I reflected and judged. You reflected and judged. Many people do this. Either way, they’re just opinions based on our respective perceptions. Thank you for your opinion. Hope your nausea was short-lived.
Hello ‘Atypical’, thanks for writing your comment. Bummer about your bike. I can see how someone could think I may have had ill intentions. I’m not sure if you saw my previous response to another commenter, but I’m pretty darn confident these were actual kid’s bikes and not BMX bikes. Please see the links at the end of the comment about the ZooBomber community here in Portland, OR. As for my closing sentence of the article, and the article as a whole, my tone and intent was to be a humorous. Consider yourself triggered.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoobomb
http://zoobomb.net/
If i wasn’t “triggered” i wouldn’t have commented. Both of my bikes were/are actual kid’s bikes, a Mongoose with 20″ rims. I also own a bike with 12″ rims and if it gets me from point A to point B who cares? At least I’m getting myself around by my own means. Also, i know about zoobomb because one of my friends participated in their events but I’m unsure what that has to do with my comment. It seems that all you’re saying in the article is that this guy is not an adult because he rides a too-small bike.
In all honesty, regardless if your bike has been stolen in the past, if i were to be sitting on a city owned/public piece of property (bike rack NEAR ones bike) and you “would be saying something about it” i’d tell you to kick rocks or welcome you to remove me from it. Just because you didn’t do a well enough job before in making sure your bike wasn’t stolen doesnt give you any kind of right whatsoever to ask/tell anyone to move away or off of something that is for public use. I too ride my bmx and am… Read more »
My bike was parked right outside the building where my classes are held and where i teach, on a bike rack that is securely cemented into the sidewalk, locked with a U-lock, under a giant security camera. If that’s “not a good enough job” please enlighten me to what is. I was teaching a three hour class when it happened. I’m a polite and overly courteous person which is the only reason my bike was locked up outside and not parked in my office. If someone asked me to not lean against a bike rack (or anywhere) i would say… Read more »
I disagree, it wouldn’t be immature. How is leaning against a bike rack “suspicious”? You or anyone else, unless i was actually doing something wrong or illegal, would have 0 right to ask me to move off or away from said bike rack. One more thing, if you were to call the police and say that someone is attempting to steal your bike, when all the person is doing is leaning on the rack, you sir would be making a false police report. Polite or not, i don’t like people who seem to feel like they have some role of… Read more »
It wouldn’t be a false report if I genuinely believed the behavior was suspicious, and in this case, asking someone to move who immediately goes on the defensive is definitely suspicious. Also, getting defensive when someone asks something as simple as “hey man, can you not stand there?” is a grave sign of immaturity. If a person can’t take two seconds to think WHY they might be asking that or even maybe, I don’t know, ASK them why, instead of instantly puffing their chest out and saying “it’s a free country, i can stand where I want!” like a 5… Read more »
I’m a 31 year old masters student studying geology in Las Vegas. I’m small in stature; 5’2″, 105 lbs and i ride a bmx bike. Riding a bmx as an adult doesn’t mean the person is “refusing to age gracefully.” It might be all they can afford. As for me, my bike was stolen from campus while it was locked up under a giant non-working surveillance camera. The cops couldn’t have cared less that my only mode of transportation was stolen and probably sold for drug money. I had to buy a new one and trust me, i never let… Read more »
Personally, I think that guy sounded like a jerk, even if he was “taking ownership of his feelings”. You did nothing immoral, unethical, or (by most people’s standards) socially unacceptable by leaning against a bike rack. His discomfort is his own to deal with by DEALING WITH IT, not by expecting you to discomfort yourself. HE is the one who acted entitled and egoistic, not you. Your response that you weren’t touching his bike put you on the defensive, a place you did not need to be. I believe my response would have been “If you are uncomfortable with my… Read more »
Hey there, ‘not a hipster’, thanks for your input. I certainly allowed myself to initially respond defensively and then, as the situation unfolded, I realized it was a perfect opportunity to practice learning how to choose who, when, and what will or will not become an emotional reaction for me. Rather than being a slave to my previously harmful negative habituated reactive patterns. Everyone’s perception is their own; and for me the choice to acquiesce was filled to the brim with pure personal power.
Thanks for sharing. I am an adult man with a family, a master’s degree and a professional job. I ride a BMX. I have always preferred this style to bike. While you can buy kids-size BMX bikes, they would be near impossible for an adult to ride. I’m sure the man you encountered was, in-fact, riding an adult bike. Like a lot of the luxuries we enjoy today, full suspension, big wheels and 21 possible sprocket configurations have their benefits but divorce us somewhat from our surroundings. I find travelling at lower speeds closer to the ground on a bike… Read more »
Hi Nathan,
I’m pretty sure they were in fact kid’s bikes. You see I live in Portland, OR and there’s a group here called the ZooBombers and a related sub-culture. Mr. TOTBRTSPOSKB was/is likely part of this crowd. Check it out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoobomb
http://zoobomb.net/
“EATing” sounds a lot like “not-being-an-entitled-asshole-ing”
All I could hear in my head while reading this is a 5 year old pointing his finger at his sister yelling “but I’m not touching you, I”m not touching you” in that voice that makes you just want to punch someone in the throat.
The reaction of “I’m not touching your bike” is that of a 5 year old lil punk. It is sad that adults need training on how to not act like a 5 year old. Kudos for at least owning it.
lilbit, Thanks for your comment and for giving the kudos to me for owning not only my initial response, which was child-like, but the mutually beneficial outcome. This story actually happened last summer. Since then, I’ve continued my Mind Taming Training rigorously and have progressed to a (mostly) habituated response that stems from empathy.
Well to me it sounds like this ‘hipster’ or whatever, seemed to feel pretty entitled to the bike rack himself. I don’t feel good about this piece. The man was trying to impose his will on a citizen minding his own business, and Steven wants to acquiesce to it, all the while making out like he has achieved some victory my defeating his ego. The bike owner’s property was not being affected, and he could easily observe that. There comes a point where I don’t see why one must tolerate the need for others to impose their will, disguised as… Read more »
Hi Eddy, I appreciate your comments. Perception is everything. And so is deciding what to be bothered by with the endless amount of stimuli that people encounter everyday. The less I allow people and situations to bother me, the more free I feel. The thresholds I choose, for when to step in and claim what I need to claim, may be different than yours. And that’s why it was a personal victory.