James Rigdon has discovered that being a childless 34-year-old man is kind of a big deal.
Okay, so-
I’M 34 AND I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN.
Apparently, this is a big deal.
It shocks some people, even before they see that I’m smiling when I say that.
Why does this shock so many of you?
Is it because I was one of the only people who went beyond the “condoms don’t work” part of our EXTREMELY limited sex ed program? (Seriously, our small town only said that condoms don’t work – like that’s going to stop teenagers from having sex – then they blamed television for the 1 in 4 pregnancy rate of our senior class)
Is it because I’ve been married a couple of times and somehow managed to avoid that fate?
Maybe it’s due to my having avoided society’s “standard image” of people automatically wanting kids?
Or it could be because I’ve managed to be consistent in the fact that I just don’t want kids.
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When I tell people that, they act as though I’m some kind of cruel, heartless, evil creature. WHY could a person not want to have children? With so many wonderful things about kids, why would you not want to have one?
Or else they look at me as some kind of womanizing filth who just wants to make his way in and out of beds across the country while taking no responsibility. And yes, my statement that I have no kids has occasionally been followed by a quiet “that you know of.”
I’ve heard all the classic lines, too:
“It’ll change when you get older.”
I first heard that one at age 21. Still waiting for that to kick in; it’s only been, what, thirteen years?
“You just haven’t met the right girl/woman yet.”
I especially love it when that line is used by women I’m dating.
“Wait until you have one, then you’ll wonder how you got by without.”
I didn’t have to have a car wreck or a divorce to know that I didn’t want one of those, either, folks.
And the reasons I give have remained fairly constant, though most people just don’t want to listen, nor to believe. So I decided to write an article, maybe see if the public at large can clarify. And do please absorb all the reasons together before you start giving me refutations, point by point.
Ahem.
The Top 5 Reasons Why I Do Not Have Children:
- I am a youngest child of a youngest child.
My father was 35 when I was born. He was the last of eleven, meaning he has nephews about his own age. Which means I was never really around small kids, growing up. No experience. Hell, I was nearly 15 before the first time I ever held a baby, and was almost 17 before the second time! Babies and small children have, quite simply, never been a part of my life, and I’m not inclined to change that.
- My genes are already spread out there.
As I said, my dad was the last of eleven. My mother’s mom was the fourth of thirteen. My brother has three kids. I feel that my genetics are already pretty well spread out there in the world. And as that world is pushing seven BILLION people, I don’t really think there’s a grand inclination toward my dumping two or three more into it.
- My life is too itinerant.
I’ve lived in three states during this year alone. Both of my moves gave me less than a week’s notice to pack up and go. That’s the way of my career- that’s how I pay my bills and stay alive and, you know, FEED MYSELF. It’s what I went to college for. Having a kid fairly significantly changes that. And, while I still have the dream of finding something long-term and getting established somewhere and all that other stuff… this is how it is now, how it’s been for the past eight years.
- I’m too damn selfish.
Yep. I said it. I like my freedom, my free time, I like spending my money on things to improve my life, I like knowing that, when I go through hard times, I’m the only one about whom I have to worry, and I like thinking that if, by some God-given happening, I hit it big and get filthy rich, I can make for the Caribbean without looking back. Kids change all of that. And, for all that you may THINK it’s only for 18 years… look at my sister. She’s 35 and lives with my parents.
And now, because I can feel the antipathy of the readers through all of these prior reasons…
The number one reason why I don’t have kids. The only one that should really count.
Are you ready for this?
- I JUST DON’T WANT TO.
That’s it, folks. Those other four reasons, while true, are mostly just stuff I tell people to overload them past their ability to argue. I don’t want children. Can’t say I ever really have. And I have friends who have kids and love them and are great with them- I’m proud of them. But it’s just not for me. And it shouldn’t have to be.
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We live in the 21st century, folks, where even the Catholic Church has (mostly) gotten past its obsession with procreation. For all the people out there who don’t have kids, you should not have to be ashamed, you should not have to constantly answer inquiries about your reasoning. It’s your life, and you ought to be allowed to live like you want to live.
And let everyone else do the same.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Also by James Rigdon:
Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting on With It
Make Life Better, for Yourself and Others
A Birthday Letter to My Niece
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Well said. But tell me, why is it that men over 35 without children are nearly impossible to find outside of internet postings? Happily childless women are invariably stuck with the lovely choice of solitude (which DOES have its charms) and men who have both children and boatloads of guilt over no longer being with their mother. Ugh…..
I am a 34 yr old woman, with no kids, and a career I love.
It’s amazing how uncomfortable it makes people, especially other women.
your selfish reason is stupid. not having kids is anything but selfish! its the damn breeders who are selfish. they want a kid so they have one. they want a partner to stay with them so they have one they want a family so they have one…& they do all that by using their own genes instead of helping orphan kids…very selfish indeed. the CF folk on the other hand pick up the slack the breeders leave behind. we`re anything BUT selfish.
the rest is good though 😀
Just once I would like to see an article written by a childfree author that doesn’t list “I’m too selfish!!” as one of their reasons for not reproducing. Give me ONE non-selfish reason why people DO have kids.
Either way, people do what is going to make them happy. Either way, it’s selfish. In my opinion, having children is actually MORE selfish than not when you take overpopulation and the environment into consideration. Not to mention, there are millions of unwanted children out there who could be adopted, but people choose to breed more copies of themselves anyway.
I can dig your objections on the selfish term- I used that mostly for humor, though I have been called selfish by some objectors.
I’m 56 and have remained child-free. A LOT of pressure on me in my 20’s, but i avoided it then and i’ve never looked back. I don’t think of it as being selfish. This is just me and my life. I love my life, my circle of friends, and my cousin’s kids. It’s always been just me and always will be. And I am absolutely fine with that. To have or not have children, is an intensely personal matter. I chose wisely.
Soooo many articles on this site celebrating parenthood …. not that that’s s bad thing ….. but parenthood isn’t for everyone. I’m 47 and never had kids and if I believed the media, I’d be crying myself to sleep at night, hugging my shriveled womb. Yet, I’m not, I’m quite happy. How is that? Personally I never felt an urge to have children. I don’t really like children TBH. I appreciate and respect children, but I find them boring. I occasionally attended my niece and nephew’s recitals and games and I felt like shooting myself. I would have been a… Read more »
I definitely want to be a mom someday, but I think it’s admirable that you are self aware enough to know that you just don’t want “being a parent” as part of your life resume. No one should feel pressured to have children and I’m glad you are living your life the way you see fit! Great article.
Not wanting children isn’t selfish. Living the life you chosen doesn’t make you selfish, either. What people fall to accept it the decision to have a child is the most selfish decision you’ll ever make. The selfless part comes in raising that child and many people don’t know how to do that, either. Parenting is a lifelong endeavor. You aren’t a parent for 18 years. You’re a parent all the remaining days of your life. Some people just aren’t meant to be parents. I applaud people who know themselves well enough to see it’s not something they want. There are… Read more »
Please don’t have children if you don’t want them. I applaud your being open about it, because it will encourage others to follow their own hearts.
I’m a mom. I love being a mom and it is HARD, and my husband’s work as a dad is hard as well. We have a lot of fun being parents, and it’s definitely changed our world. Our child is wonderful and we hope will change the world as well. But there are so many good ways to do that. Being a parent is not the be-all and end-all. Thanks for writing this article.
James, I very much share your sentiments around not having kids, but I really believe there is nothing “selfish” about not wanting kids. If anything, it would be selfish of you to have a kid you didn’t want. As you say, your number 1 reason should suffice. And no, people don’t get to have an opinion on it. It’s your choice entirely.
Could not agree more with you. I feel the same way you do 🙂
Yes!! Thank you for this article. Beeing a woman in my early thirties, I can relate to the way people look at you like you’re an alien for not wanting children. It’s like, because I’m a woman, I’m supposed to have this engrained genetic urge to spawn children! Having children or not is a choice, it shouldn’t be a debate. Kudos for you for knowing what you want (or in this case, what you don’t want, which is the same thing in my book 😉 Be proud
Well played young man! It’s far too risky now for men to reproduce. With the biased family court system leading to parental alienation and debtors prisons from onerous child support laws, men are better off not having kids until/if the day comes when we have gender equality in family law.
I’m giving you a virtual high five here. I was just having these types of thoughts today. I am 30 years old, no kids never married. Currently dating an absolutely wonderful woman that has a 3 and 6 year old and she shares custody with the father, who seems like a decent guy. She says she doesn’t want any more kids and I’m fine with this !
I’ve got no issue with people not wanting to have children, and i really believe more people shouldn’t have children.
I’ve got children, i love them, and love spending time with them. My wife and I are both teachers, so we really do love kids, all kids. but i know a lot of people who had children, and then realise a couple of years down the track that they don’t like children, and then they’re stuck with them, and it affects the rest of their life
I have a child and I support ANYONE who does not want children. I’m just going to say it… kids are overrated. I love mine like my own breath but it’s hard. it’s expensive. it sucks a certain amount of life out of you don’t even talk about the “teen years” .. those that choose not to do it… that’s OK.