I love silence. I love tranquility. I love my feelings.
I cannot say that I always have.
My life was a freight train with no brakes, no controls, and a high pitched squeal from the friction of the wheels and the track.
Since I knew nothing else, no better way, I believed this to be the only way.
I believed life was supposed to be a train wreck in waiting.
I believed in my own chaos.
I loved my chaos. I Identified with my chaos.
But my chaos did not love me back.
I crashed. The mangled steel of the train, the misshapen tracks underneath, the fluids leaking from every crevice.
I believed it was the only way.
Chaos brings destruction.
And destruction brings beauty. The chance to rebuild. The opportunity to redesign.
To create, we must destroy.
Each morning I have a routine. A healthy routine. I slow, reflect, plan, visualize, and dream.
I slow my mind. Right after I awake. I control my thoughts, my thoughts will never control me…
No more train wrecks. The wreck of the past was due to my inability to control my thoughts.
Thoughts become your reality.
Chaotic thoughts, chaotic life.
Meaningful thoughts, meaningful life.
Change your thoughts, change your life.
To control my thoughts I reflect, I journal, I meditate.
Meditation has become the best tool in my toolbox.
Meditation changed my life.
“I can’t meditate! There are too many thoughts in my head to meditate” was my reaction to the idea…
…”Exactly the reason you should meditate”, was the planned response from my coach.
He was right.
It was not easy.
My mind was racing, cluttered, chaotic, anxious, depressed.
…What if? What if?
What if?, What will I make
Did I take the trash out? Does the dog need to go out?
What if the walls collapse? How will I pay my mortgage? When will I get to go on vacation again? What if? Are my girls safe? Why am I a failure? Why can’t I be as good as everyone else? Why did everyone else cause all these thoughts in my head?
I began a slow progression, building up over time…
Thoughts slowed and became manageable. I improved my ability to understand my thoughts.
I now meditate 30 minutes each morning. I desperately try to figure out how to fit a 60-minute meditation into my schedule.
Sometimes I meditate multiple times a day, with the time I have available.
I still drift back to my thoughts during my focused meditation. But the thoughts have slowed when I focus. I can now spend more time with my thoughts. Understand my thoughts.
Manage my thoughts.
Dismiss the lies.
Like clouds in the sky, they just roll on by.
I want more meditation time. It is never enough. The peace. The quiet. The calm. The focus.
My thoughts are more meaningful, clear, intentional, focused, and effective.
I thought meditation was for freaks.
Freaks who desire a calm, clear, intentional life.
I lean into my inner freak. Calm and peaceful is awesome.
I often see an internet meme that reads “What do I get out of meditation? Nothing. But I lose anxiety, depression, worry, blame, anger, loneliness, desperation, fear…”
I have experienced all of this… and more.
I gain happiness. I find myself. I am not my thoughts. My thoughts often lie to me. My thoughts used to tell me I was not good enough, worthy enough, and lovable.
Thoughts are sometimes filthy liars.
It is only by silencing your thoughts can you really listen to your true nature.
You are amazing, loving, lovable, worthy, generous, compassionate, caring, valuable.
You are a shining light, in a sometimes dark world.
But you are not the darkness. You are never the darkness.
You are not your past, your problems, your fears, your story, your suffering, your anxiety, your depression, your worries.
You are a shining light. And quieting your mind reveals that beautiful, bright light.
I was worried about being a freak. Judgment from others was my main worry in life. I was never myself because I cared about the filthy lying thoughts of others.
Meanwhile, I also fully identified with my own filthy, lying thoughts.
No more. Happiness, peace, and love is my identity.
I allow others to live their own challenges, while I live mine.
I refuse to own their challenges. Judgment is their challenge – not mine.
And I will continue to listen to my true nature, not my thoughts,
to find even more of myself.
I will continue to be a peaceful, aware, intentional,
I will continue to live a High-Performance Life.
This post was previously published on Mike Kitko and is republished here with permission from the author.
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