I wasn’t the kind of girl who grew up imagining a future wedding and marriage. I sort of thought that I would meet someone someday, but I was far more invested in my dreams. I had goals, and a relationship was secondary to them.
When I got older and everyone I knew was pairing up, I had this idea that I would meet my soulmate. I didn’t have a particular idea of who it would be, but I was sure that it would happen. I wanted it to happen. I wanted to feel loved — and like I had someone on my side.
But a soulmate didn’t come along. Dating was half anxiety, half disappointment. I watched everyone around me fall in and out of love, and I was unphased, unpartnered, and where I was once unbothered, I became very bothered indeed.
I ended up marrying young, which seems to belie this tale.
But if I’m honest, I never felt like I found my soulmate. I made practical compromises, but I didn’t think of them that way. I chose to believe a narrative I could live with, and I put away the idea that soulmates exist — even as I yearned for one.
My marriage lasted for over a decade, and the announcement of my divorce came as a surprise to most of the people who knew me. I had done a good job of projecting what I wanted people to see — perhaps too good of a job. I had tried to believe it, too, and it kept me stuck longer than I would have been otherwise.
Later, I met someone who made me believe in soulmates again.
Everything fell into place. I could see why no other relationship had ever worked out before. The fit was obvious. Our humor, interests, and personalities aligned.
And when it ended, I was devastated. I lost a sense of self-trust. I was sure that this person was my soulmate, but he left. I couldn’t make sense of it. I only knew that loving well requires accepting his decision even though I may never understand it.
I don’t know if I still believe in soulmates. I’ll admit it’s a nice idea. But I do know that it’s possible to live a soulful life whether or not we have a soulmate in it.
When my idea that I had found my soulmate went up in flames, I built a new life from the ashes. Like the proverbial phoenix rising, I stopped fixating on what I didn’t have anymore — on what I would never have again — and started creating a life based in the reality of it. Despite my pain, I knew I needed to move forward. I couldn’t stay stuck in the past waiting for someone to come back who never would. I had to surrender those dreams and focus on the life I was living.
This life would not be a consolation prize.
I refused to live it as if it was second best. I truly made the most of it. In the absence of a soulmate, I made a meaningful life.
I stopped thinking that it was missing something — or someone. I stopped waiting for something to change so that I could enjoy my life. I just started investing in the day-to-day moments of my life.
At first, it was hard. I was grieving, and I was doing my best to hide the grief — afraid to show anyone the full intensity of it. I was also drowning in a sense of shame for having been so sure — and so wrong. I had been public about my love; I craved privacy for my grief. I put one foot in front of the other until I could love my life again.
But I did learn to love my life again. I love it with my whole heart. I’ve made choices in the last few years that I never saw coming. I began to trust myself again and to live by my intuition. I enjoy my alone time.
I even found ways to romanticize my life.
It soothed that soulmate yearning. I don’t feel like anyone is missing when I walk through my garden or curl up in a chair to read. My life is full — and it’s filled with friends, adventure, and joy.
It’s full of love, too. Perhaps a soulmate never showed up — but did I want one, or did I learn that I was supposed to want one? I have two beautiful children, an abundance of friends, and more pets than my once-hoped-for soulmate would ever have enjoyed. I have a house of my own, and my garden is full of beautiful things — nourishment for my family and beauty, too.
Sometimes, I wonder what if. Sometimes, I long for what was — and other times, I long for what I’ve never had but hoped for. Most of the time, I am simply filled with gratitude. Even though there are challenges that I cannot deny, there are benefits I never anticipated.
A soulful life is possible — whether we’ve found a soulmate or not.
There are benefits to healthy relationships just as there are benefits to the single life. Life is short. The point of life isn’t to live out the ones we expected or the ones we hoped for.
The point is to live the lives we have well — to find gratitude, to infuse our existence with love — not just the romantic variety — and joy. We’re meant to feel our feelings and to be present in our lives. Not the life we wish we had — the one we have and are meant to enjoy.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Jamie Street on Unsplash