.
Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
Does Playing Games Ever Work?
What do you do when you feel like playing games with someone actually works, or at the very least, it works better than healthy communication? One of my Love Life Club members sent in a question in the last few days, and I thought it was really interesting. She said she’s been reading some relationship books before being exposed to the Love Life Club. Personally, she identifies more with the open communication style in Matthew’s approach. But some of the experts, for example, “Why Men Marry,” promote silent punishment instead of transparent communication. These experts say that men do not respond to words but to actions and do not react well to communication about one’s emotions. God forbid. What is your take on this? Sometimes when women are vulnerable, when should we play a game, and when should we be honest and transparent? It makes me sad in a sense, this question, because it reflects this feeling of, “I can’t just be myself. I have to play some kind of a game to get this person’s attention.”
When It Feels Like You Can’t Be Yourself
That’s interesting to me because when I think of transparent communication, I think of conveying to someone that if they’re not being consistent, if they’re not investing, if they’re going hot and cold, it would be saying to that person, “Hey, I was initially excited about where this was going, but I haven’t really felt your attention for the last few weeks. And I know you want to see me now, but I kind of backed off because I just didn’t really feel your interest.” That isn’t giving up power. That’s being very honest about the fact that you were interested in them but you’ve actually become less interested in them since they’re not trying, since they’ve violated a boundary or a standard of yours. What I hear in this question is someone saying, “I’m afraid that if I’m honest about how I feel, I’m going to give up my power.”
The Standard Is the Challenge
If you’re wondering what gives more challenge, the silent treatment, which is essentially just another game, or being honest about what I want and who I am, well, I say that being honest about what you want and who you are can be the challenge that attracts someone if it communicates a standard. The standard is the challenge. The game cannot be the challenge because if your game is the challenge, you’re going to attract someone who’s attracted to games, and then you’re in the game with them, and you’re only challenging to them as long as you’re playing that game.
What I’m really talking about here is healthy communication. Healthy communication about what you want and being honest about the fact that you want someone less if they’re giving you less. What will happen is that person, depending on what their intentions are, how healthy of a partner they are, how healthy their mindset is around dating, what their own insecurities are, they will have different reactions, one of three.
The first person is the person who, when you assert a standard, backs off. And they back off because they’re like, “I don’t really want to. I’m not interested in the same things you’re interested in. You clearly want more than just a casual fling, and I’m not in the market for that, so I’m going to back off.” The second kind of person is the person who, when you assert a standard and you say, “I’m not as interested anymore,” that person starts showering you with attention because they’re unhealthy and they just want to win you back. And the third kind of person is the person that sees your standard and sees a bar that they want to actually raise their game to. And they say, “I’m going to give you more because I actually like what you represent to me.”
Will I Lose My Power?
The issue contained in this question is that this person feels if they are honest, they’re going to lose their power. And you have to ask, why is it that I associate being honest with losing my power? Could it be that I don’t actually think I have power in the first place? That really what I want is for this person to like me and want me? I have already made up my mind that this person is valuable to me, and if I’m honest with them about just how valuable they are to me, they’re going to lose interest because they’re going to see that they have all the cards. If you’re starting with that frame of reference in your mind, then it’s true. And all you’re really afraid of is that the truth will come out. But what if there was a different truth born out of a healthy mindset to begin with?
The truth is, if that’s your new truth, that this person isn’t trying anymore, so I’m downgrading their importance in my life, and maybe to the point where I don’t even know if I see the point in meeting up again. If you communicate that to a person when they reach back out, you’re not giving up your power. You’re claiming your power. Your challenge there doesn’t come from the fact that you’re playing a game with someone and it’s challenging. The challenge is embedded in the standard that you have, whereby someone realizes, “I either have to step my game up and try with this person, or this person is not going to give me the time of day.” That’s the challenge. It’s a complete misnomer, the idea in this question of, you know, the experts say that men don’t respond well to communications about one’s emotions and all of that. This is not a bunch of communication about one’s emotions. This is about you saying what’s worth my time and what’s not worth my time.
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
 |
 |
 |
 |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: unsplash
