Long Distance & Dating: How Far Is Too Far?

Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold

Hey Wendy,

Some guys online don’t respect my boundaries around distance. I state politely that I am only interested in people that are within an hour of my house. They come back with “distance doesn’t matter…blah, blah.” Well, in fact, it DOES matter to me.

But then I think, “What if he’s THE ONE!!!?”

Am I being too critical?

Allison B.

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Hey Allison,

Distance matters.

Thank you for recognizing that and being the voice of reason.

You will most likely have to push through a lot of “give love a chance” noise.

Here’s the thing: If you can’t travel to see each other three times a week and not be tortured by that commute, it’s not that workable if you really want to know someone well. You just won’t have enough information about each other, even if you are both actively working at transparency, communication, and all the good stuff.

Long-distance works best with people who already know each other. For example, they had a relationship when they were both in the same city, and now distance is just a circumstance to overcome. But trying to get to know a stranger long distance can be downright dangerous at worst and will give you a slightly inaccurate perception of each other at best.

Case in point, I was good friends with Seattle Nate for years. I’d go to Seattle for the weekend, he’d come to California for the weekend, and we talked on the phone every day for about three years. We were not romantically involved — ever — so we weren’t on our best behavior for each other. It wasn’t until a two-and-a-half-week trip to Europe that we really got to “see” each other, and by the end of that trip, our friendship broke up. You just can’t see everything you need to see about a person if you’re just on the phone or video chatting, and then maybe spending occasional holidays and weekends together.

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I’m not saying never make an exception. My partner, Dave was definitely out of my 20-mile range at 45 miles away. But there were mitigating circumstances at play: 1) he was amazing and I knew it, 2) he wanted to move to my area promptly. So never say never, but if you can help it, don’t pick someone so far away that you really can’t know them well within a few months.

Happy Dating!

p.s. Warning, major generalization coming on here: Those who search out long-distance relationships on purpose do so as they don’t want the complications of a real and deep relationship. They love their freedom and autonomy but don’t want to consider themselves in the “single” category. Long distance gives them everything they need.

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Wendy Newman is the author of 121 First Dates. She’s a dating, sex, and relationship expert who’s led hundreds of workshops and revolutionized the lives of over 80,000+ people internationally. For tools and advice, visit wendyspeaks.com

Want to succeed at dating and find your love? Grab Wendy’s DIY Dating Workshop, Ready for Love. It’s having a moment and is on sale right now.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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