Long Term Partners — What Do They Have?

I couldn’t believe when my friend Paolo said that he is in love with Kayla, the new girl he met online two weeks before.

His love hormones were doing the talking — I thought.

Quick online date, and a fling, was all that it took for them to go on a relationship within two weeks, because Kayla has made Paolo feel ‘things’ that he’d never felt before.

I was unapologetically judging them.

That was 6 years ago, and today I still can see Paolo and Kayla going strong together despite their polar opposite jobs as a doctor and a chef.

My friend is happier than ever before.

So what was different this time? Paolo says Kayla has some features that screams “Yes, she is THE one!”.

She is Calm

What Paolo Says,

“Kayla is extremely calm and never loses her temper in a disagreement. She asks me what happened, and she never assumes things. Her calmness is infectious and I feel so serene around her”

What I Understand,

I have seen calm people like Kayla have the time to process a conflict rather than quickly reacting to it.

They can look at a situation in the perspective of the other person and it can reduce the amplitude of a reaction making the discussions easier.

If we think conflicts don’t exist in long-term relationships, it would be wrong. But, in a long-term relationship, they ask questions and they listen to their partners, rather than assuming things.

Because you know, assuming is dangerous and there is nothing unimaginable for someone who assumes things. They exhaust the life out of their relationship with their assumptions.

When you always remain calm and composed, your partner will also feel calm. This serenity around your partner can flourish the emotions in you and sustains your soul.

How to be like Kayla, the Calm.

Don’t lose your temper with your partner(or with anyone in that matter). He or she may have done something wrong that you disagree with. But make sure that you always ask what happened and get the time to process your emotions and your reactions.

Sit down with your partner and discuss the concern at hand.

“Why did you do this? What actually happened?”, if you ask they will answer you with the reasons.

Don’t assume things that you don’t know. Don’t assume things based on what they have done before.

“Oh, he must be cheating on me again with Jessica. He did it 4 years ago too.”

STOP! Don’t assume things. Ask them what exactly happened. It’s not that hard, trust me.

She is Easily Contented

What Paolo Says

“She is happy with simple things that, the need to buy expensive things to please her is never an emotional requisite”

What I Understand

Paolo and Kayla have a mature relationship where neither of them expects the other to pay a humongous amount of money to appease the other one.

In fact, when they met, Paolo was still a final year medical student and Kayla, an intern at a hotel. They had budget limitations and agreed upon financial rules like splitting the bills earlier on in the relationship.

Now both of them earn a decent amount of money. However, just as much as they love dining at a 5-star hotel, they also know how to appreciate a simple McDonald’s meal or to enjoy a picnic to a nearby park with a bunch of Kayla’s signature chicken sandwiches.

What matters to them is not how much money they spend, but how much emotions and effort they give for each other.

They treasure the time they share and don’t let their purchasing power to come between them.

How to be like Kayla, the Contented.

How much your partner spends on you shouldn’t matter, only how much they think of you, should. It reminds me of something Kayla had told Paolo when he tried to bake a cake for her birthday and unfortunately ruined it.

“It’s the thought that always counts, Pao. Thanks for your effort!”

(However, he then went out and bought a cake, because you can’t put candles on and eat a thought or an effort.)

Your partner could be wealthy but that doesn’t mean you are entitled to everything you want.

Don’t expect every dinner to happen in a fancy restaurant. Enjoy even when you get to share a burger from a street cart.

Cherish small things and be easily contented for a peaceful life.

She is Secured

What Paolo Says

“She is so secured of herself that she never gets jealous when another girl talks to me. She lets me enjoy life without clinging onto me all the time. And she doesn’t doubt our relationship when something little goes wrong like I forget an important date.”

What I Understand

I once read in an article that dating non-toxic and secured people lead to longer, happier relationships.

Instead of getting jealous, secured people love to see you soar high and get attention from others. They never doubt your decision to date them and they know their self-worth.

For instance, Kayla has no problem when Paolo would hang out with his friends. He doesn’t always have to drag her into every social event. On the other hand, Paolo has learnt to let Kayla meet her friends, and go solo-shopping the way she wants.

I have seen how Kayla behaves with other female friends and colleagues of Paolo with courtesy and friendship because she knows that Paolo thinks only about her no matter who else is around him.

However, there could be days that you may not feel loved enough by your partner. Maybe they forgot an anniversary or a birthday. Maybe they would not drop you at work because they are lazy. Letting trivial things like this take its toll on your relationship is going to hurt both of you unnecessarily.

Always trust your partner and feel secured. Don’t let jealousy take the best of you.

How to be like Kayla and Paolo, the Secured couple.

Let your partner span their wings and fly. Don’t limit their freedom, or invade their personal privacy. Don’t cling onto them 24/7 or sneak peek into their phone or the browsing history.

Kayla and Paolo often forget their anniversaries and important moments, mostly because one of them is busy at work.

But that rarely builds up tension between them because they are so understanding of each other. Sometimes a few days have already passed when they remember their anniversary. They laugh about it, tease each other for hanging along for this many years and Paolo tries cooking something until Kayla has to intervene with her culinary skills.

Such partners do not suck out the energy, instead, they empower you to live happily.

In Conclusion

Having a partner who will stay with you for a long time is wonderful. But being able to recognize those qualities early, is blessed.

After you recognize them, maintaining your relationship for a long time needs special attention and care from both sides. Make your partner feel loved and peaceful, and they will stay with you, till death do you part.

Love is simple. Keep it that way.

—

Previously published on medium

*******************************

***