It’s true. If you look good you feel good. And feeling good is where it’s at during a pandemic. Oh sure, you could set around looking like you need a haircut, a shave, a diet and a steady dose of exercise, and you probably do, or you could embrace the unique opportunity to try something new, or old, depending on your point of view.
Let’s start at the top, what to do with “pandemic length hair?”
I know, you’re thinking “what right do you have to tell me what to do with my hair? It looks like something died on your head.”
Until a couple of weeks ago that was true, my friend. But, and here is lesson one in the Life Explained Pandemic Fashion Manual. I found the secret to looking good.
Here is how you manage an out of control, Coronavirus-Do.
First, wash your hair, it’s just good advice.
Second, dry your hair, just a towel; don’t use anything electric. It’s a bad idea to use electric appliances of any kind in the bathroom. If I learned anything from years of science class, and I probably didn’t, it was water and electricity make strange bedfellows. Or something like that, you get the idea.
C. (and this is the important part) Hair Gel. Apply lots of it. Personally, I recommend using whatever your wife has in the bathroom. Use it liberally, and spend a lot of time combing your hair and looking in the mirror, combing and appreciating and thinking, “Damn, I look good. You know, for a man my age, and in my general state of disrepair and slothfulness, I look gorgeous. Life is good when you look this amazing.”
Don’t say it out loud though, it’s a bad idea to spread that kind of good news, people get a little envious. Envy is poison.
Another good idea, make sure you are finished before your wife needs to use the bathroom. Nothing is worse, mid-self-appreciation than hearing “Would you hurry the hell up?!?! I have to go to work sometime today.”
Here is another tip for the careful groomer; don’t tell your wife about the hair gel. It might have been expensive and she doesn’t want you wasting it on that unruly mop you call hair.
Which brings us to today’s relationship advice for all the newlyweds out there.
There are a lot of things your wife just doesn’t need to know. Ignorance is bliss, trust me. I know a thing or two about ignorance.
If your wife catches you cleaning out the microwave just act like you’re trying to be helpful. She doesn’t need to know you exploded a dozen grapes trying to prove your theory about making raisins in less than 5 minutes. She’ll be happy you took the initiative to clean something. Take it from a man with a lot of practice being married. Generally speaking, wives aren’t all that keen on science experiments involving food and microwave radiation.
Months of isolation have been hard. Marriages, waistlines and hairdos are fragile things and you have to nourish them, or at least not accidentally sabotage them by being yourself. Once in a while, you have to be an adult, or at least pretend to be grownup.
Stick with me and we’ll get through this pandemic together. Remember it isn’t enough to just look fantastic you have to act fantastic too. Or at least act smart enough to stay out of trouble. Married life during a pandemic is just like regular life during a pandemic, only harder.
Tune in next week when we learn how buying a bigger size of clothes is almost as good as losing weight.
Look, I have to split, my wife’s coming. Next week we’ll also cover making your dentist believe you floss.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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