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Using an Internet dating site has become a pretty mainstream way for men from all walks of life to look for a lover or long-term partner. I’ve found it to be a low stress way to meet people, whether those encounters end up as friendships or as more serious relationships. I’ve had both kinds of outcomes over the years, so I’m quite a fan of online dating sites.
As with any powerful tool, I’ve learned there are some potential pitfalls of Internet dating sites. I’d like to share steps to maximise the likelihood of a successful outcome, or at least of enjoying yourself while you’re searching.
Start by employing a ‘hook and filter’ approach to writing your profile. Don’t say more than the minimum, and shape it in a way that will be appealing only to the kind of woman you’d like to attract. By combining this with information about yourself that will put off the kind of women you don’t want to meet, you can minimise the time wasted writing to or meeting women who wouldn’t be right for you. In other words, don’t make yourself sound too generically nice, or you may find yourself drowned in responses. As with all social media, I’ve found it’s much more productive and enjoyable to aim for quality of responses—in your subjective view, of course—not quantity.
It’s a mistake to imagine that the miracle of technology can magically find you the partner/lover you always dreamed of. In fact, the chances of meeting someone ‘right’, or at least ‘right enough’, online is probably about the same as it would be for any other meeting place: small but by no means impossible if you know what you want, and equally importantly, what you don’t want! If you expect magic, there’s the risk that you will project all your relationship hopes and needs onto any potential match. Everything about the person will seem perfect and you’ll miss any warning signals to steer clear.
This fantasy element will be even stronger if you’re responding to a photo. It’s safe to assume that hardly any woman you meet via a dating site will actually look much like her profile picture, so it’s foolish to form a view of someone or make a date on that basis. Disappointment will inevitably follow when you meet and you’ll have the awkward experience of having to spend a couple of hours in someone’s company while wishing you were somewhere else.
A good approach to a first Internet date is to think of it like sitting next to a stranger on a long flight. You already have something in common because you know everyone on a dating site is looking to meet someone, so starting a conversation is easy. It may turn out that you don’t have much else in common, but if you let go of ‘hopes’ or expectations, it’s a rare chance to meet someone new that you can be completely honest with. If you’re open to it, there is a good possibility of a connection that can grow into something more.
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If there is sexual chemistry as well, that’s great. Typically it takes around six months for a relationship based on physical attraction alone to fade. Whether a relationship grows beyond purely physical will be determined by whether both partners have been open to exploring an emotional connection and see this process of change as something positive and inevitable. It can be an opportunity for them to let go of fantasies, and begin to ‘see’ each other for who they really are. At that point, the relationship will develop at a deeper level if there is enough true compatibility and if both partners are willing and able to nurture emotional intimacy.
If you’re looking to ‘hook up’ easily, a dating site can seem like a dream come true; an opportunity to meet with minimal risk of embarrassment or rejection, hundreds of women who are all looking for a man. But looking for a dream sexual encounter online can leave men open to exploitation, mainly by attractive younger women who know that they have a powerful bait at their disposal for extracting what they want from eager, gullible men. Warning bells should go off when sexual favours seem too easily on offer—when an attractive 30-year-old woman expresses an interest in an older man, for example. Wishful thinking has always been a powerful motivator in the sexual arena.
There may also be the temptation to pretend to fit her romantic fantasies, offering everything she is looking for in a man, with the hope of having sex with her. This may bring you short-term gratification but in the long run, it will be painful and disappointing for both of you. Honesty is generally the best policy and this is especially true in new relationships. Tricking and possibly hurting another person involves a betrayal of integrity and is damaging in a deep way to any man’s sense of self-respect even if he doesn’t realise it at the time. The price to pay is too high for short-term and very possibly unsatisfying sex lacking true connection.
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Many men are uneasy with the vulnerability of admitting to a prospective partner that you’re looking for a committed and intimate relationship. However, being brave enough to risk getting close is the only way to a relationship that will be deeply rewarding and validating. It is exactly that quality of courage many women are looking for in a man and one that they find deeply attractive if it is sincere, often more than any particular physical attributes.
If you come over as impatient to jump into bed after a first date, this type of woman will understandably be wary, so it’s always best to let the relationship develop at a pace that feels right to her. Most of all, avoid ‘lunging’ or the excessive physical touch of any kind at an early stage, which some men do out of nervousness until she has been able to develop enough trust to welcome and appreciate it.
Don’t try to make an impression on a first date, either. That almost always appears false and superficial. If you show that that you are comfortable with who you are and are willing to act as yourself rather than showing off, you’ll appear confident and real, qualities which make a strongly positive first impression on any woman.
If you back this up with listening at least as much as talking, you’ll get things off to the best possible start. Be interested more than interesting. A woman will enjoy your company because of how you make her feel about herself when you are together more than how wise or amusing you are,
Without unrealistic expectations, Internet dating can be fascinating and fun. There’s always that possibility of things really ‘clicking’ with someone. Don’t let wishful thinking or impatience get in your way to cloud your ability to notice and appreciate the person you’re with.Take your time; generally speaking, good things grow slowly. Wise and genuine people are rarely in a rush.
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Photo credit: Flickr/Vitor Santos
Definitely, online dating is the WAY, not a panacea of all the evils in a personal life. It’s a technique measure, but it’s up to the person to evolve hooking up, pay price trying to impress or smth. The site itself does not do you job. And it’s very important to be an interesting person who tha lady would like to talk to.
This is the name of my book on online dating!
http://www.alittlenudge.com/services/book/