Love is sometimes portrayed symbolically by red valentines and pretty pink roses and cute, little, fat cheeked, grinning cherubs shooting love arrows. Sweetness and innocence are one side of love. But the other side is treacherous. Love touches you so deeply that it can bring up everything in you…the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. All that is unbaked in you, all your undigested garbage, all your insecurities, all about yourself you despise and reject and try to hide from yourself and others will rise to the surface. You will be forced to face your neediness, your bodily shame, your sexual hang-ups, your need to control, your fear of being controlled. At some point in your relationship, no matter how in love you are at first, you will experience the whole range of possible emotions– tenderness, greed, indifference, anger, generosity, jealousy, ecstasy, competition, disgust, and more. Love can do this.
It is so much safer not to love. Love can rip open your wounds. Love can make you become vulnerable. Love can expose your hungry longings and bring up your deepest fears. Do you really love me? Will you hurt me? Will you leave me? Am I deserving of your love? Is he more lovable than I? If you knew the real me would you still love me? Will I be trapped if I commit to you? Will you change? Will I change?
Real love demands that you expose your undefended heart and put your fragile ego on the line. Without hiding or sugarcoating, you allow your partner to know who you are. You lay down your offensive and defensive weapons. No manipulation, no lame excuses, no lying. You stand naked before your partner and hand them the power to reject and hurt you. So of course, love is dangerous.
However, by opening your vulnerable self…and surviving, you discover that the layers of protection you erected around yourself were unnecessary. You discover that you are strong, you are durable. The act of allowing yourself to be undefended with your partner is an act of courage.
We all want certainty in our relationships, we want security, but with love, there are no guarantees. The only guarantee is that one day love will end. If not by a break-up, then by death.
Love is dangerous. Its heat can burn you. Its chill can freeze you. This is why it takes fierce courage to love with your whole heart.
***
The Good Men Project gives people the insights, tools, and skills to survive, prosper and thrive in today’s changing world. A world that is changing faster than most people can keep up with that change. A world where jobs are changing, gender roles are changing, and stereotypes are being upended. A world that is growing more diverse and inclusive. A world where working towards equality will become a core competence. We’ve built a community of millions of people from around the globe who believe in this path forward. Thanks for joining The Good Men Project.
Support us on Patreon and we will support you and your writing! Your support will help us build a better, more inclusive world for all.
***
This post is republished on Agents of Change on Medium.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock
