Love Is Supposed to Be 'Boring', Actually

“Are you attracted to me?”

We stood in a bar in Brooklyn. A few people awkwardly danced on the stage next to us while I sighed and took another sip of my drink.

It wasn’t the first time he’d asked.

He asked for a good reason. I wasn’t unattracted to him. Our sex life has always been great.

But my behavior said otherwise.

It was my hesitancy. It was the way I pulled back a little bit when we kissed. It was how I danced in front of others when we were out at other bars. It was how I dodged conversations of us being together.

And let me be clear: This isn’t a matter of not liking him. Or a lack of romantic interest.

It was about something more serious.

A pattern. One that keeps playing out throughout my life.

You see, I tend to do this thing.

When I like someone, I think about them all the time. I count the days we’ve talked, re-read their text messages, and daydream about them while I work.

And in most cases, people disappoint me.

But then what happens when someone actually shows up? What happens when they commit? What do we do when they aren’t disappointing?

Some of us are so addicted to chaos that the lack of chaos is boring.

Without feeling like we’re constantly going to be abandoned by a potential lover, we feel lost.

On paper, he is everything I’ve wanted.

And quite frankly, many men have been everything I wanted. But when they actually showed me they were everything I wanted…

I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them anymore.

A married friend told me something recently.

He said that love is not about addiction.

It’s not about intensity. It’s not about bliss. It’s not even about passion.

Instead, it’s about building.

Building attraction. Creating a life together. Becoming perfect for each other over time and not expecting to have “it all” right from the beginning.

It’s easy to be addicted to chaotic relationships.

They’re fun. Flirty. Dangerous. Sexy, even.

But they’re not love. They’re not the foundation to a partnership. They’re coaxing, distracting, and alluring.

But again. None of that is love.

In some sense, love actually is a lot more boring than it seems.

It’s not all a whirlwind. It’s not a fairytale. In some circumstances, it’s just knowing that they’re there, but focusing on other aspects of your life.

Nobody tells you that.

We grow up with stories that are so cinematic. Inspirational. And downright unrealistic.

But the successful relationships we know are not like this.

They’re mundane. Anti-climactic. “Boring”.

That may seem disappointing. We don’t get quick dopamine hits. We won’t wake up every day ready for a rollercoaster ride. We probably won’t be swept off of our feet.

But we will have something safe, loving, and stable.

That’s worth it.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***