Can you handle a strong woman? And why would you want to?
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Dating, going out with, or being married to a “strong woman” is not for the faint of heart. The concept of a strong woman conjures up all sorts of stereotypical images and thoughts. Why don’t we first examine some core elements of being a “strong woman:”
- She knows what she wants
- She speaks her mind
- She is able to give and receive love
- She stands up for what she believes in
- She has a sense of right and wrong (i.e., morals)
- She has self-esteem
- She knows who she is
- She can be both dependent, independent, and interdependent
- She can access her wisdom
As I look over this list, it seems to me that these qualities are gender neutral. I wouldn’t mind having these attributes myself. Would I then be a “strong man?”
Often when I hear men talking about a “strong” woman they are not discussing her in a positive light. She is seen as, “independent, self-reliant, not needing a man, strong-willed, and a motherly or matronly take charge person who tells people what to do and takes no nonsense.” Bottom line, this is someone to be feared. Kidding, sort of. Brings up mommy issues, feelings of dependency and individuation challenges. Deep stuff but we will leave that for another time.
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How often have you heard someone say, “Hey, Bob, I want to introduce you to this ‘strong woman’?” I don’t think so. Most guys are probably backing up big time at this question. The concept of a “strong” woman goes against a lot of our cultural programming. For example, if someone said to me, “Hey Steve I’d like to introduce you to this really caring, sweet, loving soul,” – oh, that sounds good. Which means, not threatening.
What kind of man are you? Do want a compliant Barbie doll or a real and strong woman?
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When someone talks about a strong woman, it sounds good for helping lift furniture or running a company. Doesn’t sound so good for an intimate relationship. Why? Because she is going to give me a lot of grief. How so? Ah, . . . and now we loop back up to the qualities listed above in the bullet points. In other words, she will have a mind of her own and I may have to justify myself (ideas, beliefs, desires) and she will not go along with me just because I think she should. Gasp, you mean she is an independent life form with a mind of her own?
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Sometimes I think men would like their women to be like obedient dogs. When these men discover that they cannot control women, they think that marrying, for example, a South Asian woman will do the trick (boy are they in for a big surprise), you know, someone who is totally in alignment with your will, reads your mind and cooks your meals on time and just like Mom did. Can you see the irony of that one?
Some men still think this way. Hard to believe, I know, but I talk to them in therapy every day. They are like people who complain about immigration, not willing to deal with change in a constructive manner. And women have changed, becoming more vocal about who they are and what they are not willing to put up with.
What kind of man are you? Do want a compliant Barbie doll or a real and strong woman? Let’s examine the Cons of going out with a strong woman?
Cons:
- You will be held accountable for what you say you are going to do
- You will have to pick up after yourself
- You will be expected to be as invested in the relationship as she is, and show it
- You will have to treat her as an equal
- You will have talks – possibly long ones
- You will be expected to engage her when conflict breaks out – not just run away or go silent
- You will have to take her concerns into account when making decisions (joint decisions)
- You will have to accept graciously when she says No to having sex
- You will have to learn how to negotiate with her
- You will have to communicate and express your feelings in a responsible manner
This is starting to sound like work and it will take a serious effort if you are not used to going out with a strong woman. There is an upside to going out with a strong woman. A strong man does not see the cons as cons at all, but as opportunities to grow and become more than who he is.
Here are the pros for going out with a strong woman.
Pros:
- You have interesting conversations
- Because you treat her with respect, she will appreciate you and return that respect. This will lead to a happier relationship and more sex
- You will not have to coddle her as she can take care of herself. That doesn’t mean you will not support her, or her you. It just looks different and is not an everyday occurrence because she is acting weak, dependent or trying to bolster your ego
- You have a real and equal partner in life
- You will grow in many areas of your life because anything less is just being lazy and you want your partner to feel proud of you
- You can ask for advice and not feel less of a man
- You will feel her strength and groundedness which will make you feel stronger and more secure
- You will have someone you can count on to share the challenges of life
- You won’t have to do all the talking at parties
- You might learn something from her
Depending on where you are at in life, the pros of being involved with a strong woman is either a daunting proposition or an exhilarating vision.
I have experienced many types of strong women over the years. Some were creative types, some business women, some stay at home moms, some single working moms, some were Grandmothers and they were grand indeed. All of them were inspirational in what they did and how they conducted themselves.
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I confess, I am biased as you might have guessed. For me, it is a “strong” woman I want to be in relationship with. It is work at times and challenging, but it is more than worth it. It keeps me awake and alive.
Photo: Flickr/Matt
I am proud to be a strong woman, I don’t need a man to buy me things or do things for me. I want a man to share my life with. It just takes a real man to handle a strong woman. Don’t be intemindated by her be proud of her. A strong woman knows how to treat and appericate a real man. And will give you the best and most loyal love and time of your life
Most strong independent women are very greedy and selfish as it is since they just expect too much these days and they’re really looking for the very rich type of men anyway since they will only want the very best of all and will never settle for less.
That is not true, I’m a strong woman, and material things don’t matter to me, I can get anything I want on my own. I want a partner, lover and a best friend. I would live in a tent as long as I was happy.
Encouraged me I would like more ladvice loving a strong woman I can see mine as one
Thank you so much for your article! I am a strong woman and I like who I am and sometimes it’s difficult when dating because men don’t seem to understand the concept very well. But you said it big and bold thank you thank you thank you!
That is so me!! Husband so verbally abusive, and yells all the time. Said he is surprised no one has murdered me yet. That was the last straw! I want a divorce. No kids with him, my house, my everything. Prenup in place before marriage. He’s lazy, never has money, but when he does, it burns a hole in his pocket. So stressed! I will not back down from being the head strong person that I am. He just can’t handle it. Just abusive.
Well with most women today that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and very money hungry which really speaks for itself. Good guys like us that are Single today since many of these women have really Ruined us Good men
Someone can only ruin YOU if you let them, aye?
Sounds like you have never had a real woman.
Where is she? She sounds amazing!!!
I believe I am one of them 😉
Love this article. To me they’re all pros!!!!
As a woman, and one of mental, emotional and spiritual strength..ehhhm, I must say that this in a wonderful and deeply mature and insightful article. A strong person, whatever gender that may be encompasses these many amazing qualities. Our society is in the middle of a deep evolution and we are all struggling to understand the new definitions of our genders and their roles. I am happy to know I can feed and provide for myself and not have to rely on anyone else to do it for me, nor do I have to succumb to manipulative tactics to get… Read more »
Wow, do i miss the good old fashioned women we once had.
THANK YOU ……. ME looking into a mirror that displays words! you hit it right on the head! thank you soo much. Ill def be posting a bit from this Article on IG
Great Article! I must agree! Here’s to us strong women! 🙂
Steven, I find some of your Cons are assuming too much. E.g. Because you treat her with respect, she will appreciate you and return that respect. This will lead to a happier relationship and more sex. Just because she is strong it does not necessarily follow that she will respect you at all. She will do that if she is strong and good. But she may be strong without being good. Those people exist. The same argment applies to many of your Cons. You will feel her strength and groundedness which will make you feel stronger and more secure I… Read more »
The comparison of the “strong woman” to the “nice guy” is a good one. I’ve never found many good qualities in the types of people that describe themselves as such.
True. But we must distinguish between the Nice Guy™ and a guy who is just nice. The latter is clearly desirable and good. It is only problematic as a hypocritical self-description. Same here: Being a woman who is strong is usually good; the obnoxious one is the Strong Woman™.
I’ve been waiting for a man to address the pros and cons of being in a relationship with a strong woman. All of the pros and cons. Not just the easy or obvious ones. Steven Lake has great job of clearly, succinctly given us valuable food for thought. “You will have to communicate and express your feelings in a responsible manner.” How many men or women are willing to do that? Yet we must. The big win is as the author says, “It keeps me awake and alive.” That’s what I want.
Joyanne Landers,
Thanks you for including the women in the “How many men or women are willing to do that?”
All too often in discussions like this, it is just taken for granted that women possess these qualities by birth.
These are some good points in favor of finding a woman with inner strength, but not a “strong woman.” I say that because “strong woman” is the female counterpart of the “nice guy.” In each case the labels are heard most often from self-declared nice guys and strong women, and in each case it’s wrong. There’s plenty of commentary online about why the “nice guys” are not nice, so I’ll just summarize what I’e noticed about the “strong woman”: She’s deeply bitter, and uses the cover of “strong” to act callously. She doesn’t have a lot of self-esteem underneath the… Read more »
This. The properties listed are fine by me, but self-identified “strong women”…..really often aren’t.
Great article. Love the “core elements of a strong woman and the benefits of being with one. The word “strong” is so commonly associated with overcoming hardship by battling it or being unaffected by it that sometimes people forget there are other ways to be strong in life. Being emotionally vulnerable, compassionate, kind, and authentic are tremendous strengths in both men and women.
I know two guys who’ve married “South Asian” women. I didn’t know my father, but he would have made three. Their wives always made dinner, but the guys didn’t always like what was made. One just buys food on his way home from work. Their wives tend to run the house. They tend to have a small area that is theirs. There is an expectation that they must help her family overseas and none of the three relationships have ended in divorce. The guys all say that their wives take great care of them and just adore their wives. I… Read more »
Hi John: I agree with you that being a “caring and compassionate woman” and being strong are not mutually exclusive. I didn’t use your words but something similar when looking at the core elements bullet point three, “She is able to give and receive love.” Again, I think this goes both ways, as caring and compassionate makes for strong men and strong women. Unfortunately, we tend to hear these qualities ascribed to women. I do squirm a bit when you say, “They don’t mind them speaking their mind as long as they do it compassionately.” Well sure, we all like… Read more »
Another time Good Men Project carried a story on this subject, I neglected to read it because the graphic element near the top was a photo of a girl in late grade school climbing a jungle gym. This essay, the essay at hand, is useful to read, and in particular, the bullet lists seem very considered, and I will print them to refer to again. Thanks to the writer.
Your welcome Ann. Glad you found it useful.