Make Her Feel Safe…but Not Bored!

Dear fellow men,

Do you ever worry that women might think you’re boring?

Have you ever been on a date that just seemed to go nowhere?

You already know that dates are supposed to be fun. You’re supposed to show women a fun time, right? But maybe you’ve also heard that it’s important to make women feel safe. Well, isn’t “safe” just another word for “boring?”

“How am I supposed to be both safe and fun?” you might be asking yourself.

Compared to us, women live in a constant state of fear.

I didn’t grow up being wary of every dark alleyway. I never thought it was necessary to put my car keys in between my fingers every time I walked across a parking lot. I never thought it was necessary to let a close friend know my exact location every time I went on a first date. I have never owned pepper spray, though I have bought a lot of it for women.

Women are scared of us.

This poses a problem when it comes to dating or seduction or rizzing or whatever you want to call it.

If you feel threatened in any way, your whole brain is pretty much in panic mode, trying to figure out how to survive. There will be no room to feel relaxed and turned on.

If you want to be intimate with a woman, it is important to make her feel safe first.

You’ve probably heard this time and time again. If you’re lucky, you may have heard girlfriends or dates telling you, “You make me feel safe,” while you have probably never said that sentence to anyone else in your entire life.

However, some of you reading this may have had many female friends telling you that you are safe or nice or something along those lines, but you have faced trouble trying to date.

You may have started entertaining some bitter ideas like you’ve been lied to. Maybe you’ve observed “bad boys” who definitely don’t seem safe being really successful with women. Or maybe you’ve started thinking that it’s all about looks and that you’re just ugly.

That’s not it, man.

Making her feel safe is just the start. In addition to that, you need to be fun. You can’t be boring.

Also, it’s not about being funny. Fun and funny are different.

So, how can you make sure that you’re fun and not boring?

The exact formula I describe in my book is a bit too long and detailed to put into a little article like this, but there are three key skills you need to develop (in order):

Emotional intelligence
Active listening
Impulsivity

1. Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is about how well you can understand others’ emotions as well as how well you can control and show your own emotions. It also includes your ability to describe others’ and your emotions effectively. — Never Lonely

Think of emotional intelligence as the foundation in a three-story building. Without this foundation, the other layers will be virtually ineffective.

No matter how emotionally intelligent you think you are, there is always room for improvement for us men in this area, especially compared to most women. Do not wave this off as something insignificant.

You can practice it by paying close attention to other people’s verbal and non-verbal expressions of emotions, paying close attention to your own emotions, mentally putting yourself in other people’s shoes, and habitually reflecting on what you observe. You can reflect by considering why people feel the way they do, why you feel the way you do, how different people feel the same way in certain situations, and how different people feel differently in response to the same situations. — Never Lonely

Do not underestimate the power of emotional intelligence when it comes to dating. The more awareness you develop, the better able you will be to move others’ emotions. The main vehicle in seduction is to make people feel things. You can’t do that without emotional intelligence.

It’s also required to make women feel safe in the first place.

2. Active Listening

Active listening is a set of skills that includes being present, withholding judgment, demonstrating interest, asking the right kinds of questions, paraphrasing, and others. It’s not just about listening. You need to react in ways that prove that you understood the deeper meaning of what the other person was saying both verbally and non-verbally. It’s a good way to make another person feel validated and heard. — Never Lonely

With a solid foundation of emotional intelligence, it becomes a lot easier to implement active listening.

Keep in mind that everyone’s favorite topic is themselves. People have more fun when they feel understood and validated. And the best way to make people feel understood and validated is to use active listening.

You can practice it by asking open-ended questions that seek to understand the other person’s motivations and values, repeating key phrases back to them, paraphrasing what they said in your own words, paying attention to both their verbal and non-verbal communication, putting your phone down, maintaining eye contact, and focusing on what they’re saying instead of just waiting for your turn to speak. Ask questions to clarify or elaborate on things they say, ask if you understand them correctly after summarizing what they say in your own words, withhold any potential negative judgment while validating anything you agree with, and share your own experiences that made you feel how they felt. Above all else, make yourself curious about the other person and whatever they’re talking about. — Never Lonely

If you’re starting to think that doing this sort of stuff is manipulative in some negative or unnatural way, realize that practicing these skills is just about catching up with women. While we were little boys on the playground pushing each other around and kicking balls, the girls were already negotiating social situations through conversations like this on the sidelines, actively practicing such interpersonal skills.

Getting a late start doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

3. Impulsivity

Impulsivity is acting and speaking without hesitation. It is important to note that there is a balance you must strike between being impulsive and being considerate, which is a balance that becomes easier to master with higher levels of emotional intelligence. Most guys who pick up a book like this have the problem of not being impulsive enough due to a lack of confidence. They fear that others will judge them negatively as if what they have to say isn’t cool enough or funny enough. Some guys, however, have the opposite problem: they’re too impulsive in a way that their words and actions cause harm to others in some way. As long as your intent is not to offend someone or violate someone else’s boundaries, and as long as you remain open-minded enough to learn that some of your words and actions might have unintended consequences and should therefore be altered in the future, you’re probably not one of those inconsiderate guys who tends to be too impulsive. — Never Lonely

With a solid foundation of both emotional intelligence and active listening skills, you’ll be ready to start implementing more impulsivity to really dial up the fun factor.

Without emotional intelligence and active listening skills, impulsivity is going to come off as unhinged, unrelatable, and unsexy.

With those things, though, impulsivity becomes a powerful tool to express yourself authentically while making more meaningful connections that trigger a ton of dopamine release in everyone around you.

You can also become more impulsive by practicing more honesty. Honest people have nothing to hide, so their words and actions tend to spill out without shame or hesitation. People who tend to habitually lie, however, need to take some time to construct their fabrications and remember all the small details they made up. So, work through any issues of shame or embarrassment that you might have, let go of that shame or embarrassment, start being more honest with yourself, and start being more honest with others. At the same time, though, have enough social tact to hold yourself back from expressing negativity or criticism. Save the impulsivity for expressions that are positive, creative, and fun.

…Maltz offers other great actionable advice to become less inhibited. In summary, he advises you to stop thinking too much before speaking or acting, to stop criticizing yourself so much, to make a habit of speaking louder than usual, and to let people know when you like them. — Never Lonely

There are a lot of ways to practice your impulsivity, but the core of it boils down to applied honesty and vulnerability.

I just gave you an extremely potent formula.

These three building blocks are what separate the boring guys from the fun ones.

It’s the hidden X factor that fun, charismatic guys have that most people can’t explain. The men who have this down are the ones that women are always magnetically drawn to.

The men who don’t have this down are the ones who are always forgotten.

Fortunately, these are all skills you can consciously practice and develop. The steps to get there are a lot more actionable than the standard “just be yourself” advice that you hear everywhere.

Become a fun guy, then throw in some effective flirting skills.

You’ll become unstoppable, no matter how you look:

How to Flirt with Women: A Crash Course

The good man’s guide on how to make sure she can feel that “spark” or “chemistry”

michaelchief.com

Have you ever practiced emotional intelligence, active listening, or impulsivity? What did you do? Tell me your experiences in the comments!

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.