On Friday, I wrapped up early teleworking from home during the COVID-19 pandemic. The sun shined brightly, so I took my regular evening walk in the afternoon at my favorite park in Torrance.
Walking on the sidewalk path, a cute little boy in his safety helmet and jacket, rode up on his bike with training wheels beside me. He might have been 5 years old. He said, “Hi, I’ve seen you before.” I smiled behind my mask, “You have?”
The boy said that he was riding up to his favorite spot just ahead, next to that big tree. We walked and talked together. I looked behind and waved at his Dad running up to us. He waved back. When his dad caught up, I said, “See you.” The little boy smiled, “Okay.” I continued on my afternoon stroll. Ours was the coolest conversation I had all week. Just saying.
Amidst COVID-19, the world is still a playground for that little boy. Children are so resilient. That little boy sees only the good in the world, and in its people. In the enlightened space of the child: The world is a safe place. Amen.
Yet, the world isn’t always safe. As responsible adults, we get that from our own trials and tribulations. We know that there is both good and bad in the world. That there are good and bad people in the world, too.
One of my earliest childhood memories was waking up from an afternoon nap at home. I was about 5 years old, about the same age as the boy in the park. When I woke up, no one was home. The house was empty. I couldn’t find Mom.
I panicked in fear. I started screaming, “Mommy! Mommy!” I ran all over the house. I ran outside. I ran onto the sidewalk by my house. I cried in fear. Eventually, I got so exhausted that I went back into the house and fell back asleep. The world was not a safe place. At least for me.
Eventually, Mom returned home. Still, what resonated with me for years: The world isn’t safe.
When I worked with my Therapist Lance to heal my childhood trauma and depression, I told him about that childhood memory. Lance asked me to create a safe place to go in my mind, when I was afraid. My safe place was lying on my grandparents’ couch by the window looking out at the backyard and forest beyond. I was at peace. That was my safe place.
I used my safe place when I was in fear. After a while, the practice became very mechanical and staid. In Aikido, the late Mizukami Sensei said, “Everything, natural.” The paradox was that practice makes the unnatural natural. My safe place was the symptomatic construct, as an emotional band-aid. My safe place really didn’t source a profound sense of peace, of being safe.
A few years ago on Thanksgiving morning at the movie theater, I watched writer-director Kelly Fremon Craig’s The Edge of Seventeen starring Hailee Steinfeld. Hailee played Nadine, the smarter than thou 17-year-old, who was so unkind to others and unkindest to herself. At the narrative arc, Nadine tearfully outs her hateful existence to her older brother Darian, played by Blake Jenner:
“You know, ever since we were little, I would get this feeling like… Like I’m floating outside of my body, looking down at myself… And I hate what I see… How I’m acting, the way I sound. And I don’t know how to change it. And I’m so scared… That the feeling is never gonna go away.”
I was Nadine. I had to give myself a fucking break. No, I couldn’t just love myself from where I was, from my zero. Still, I could start hating on myself a whole lot less. I could take my baby steps. I practiced hating on me a lot less over, and over, and over again. Mizukami Sensei: “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.”
As I started loving myself for who I am and forgiving myself for who I’m not, the world gradually transformed into a safer place to be. I didn’t have to be someone else. I didn’t have anything to prove. Being myself was safe. The world was safe, again. I looked at the world like that little boy riding his bike in the park. Yet, I recognize that the world can be unkind, and so are some of its people.
In the bigger picture, the world is not safe in its very design. We’ve all endured our own trials and tribulations. Yet, we can transform our experience of the world as we’re kinder to and forgiving of ourselves. We can make the world safe, again. Just saying.
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