Being emotional and being a man don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
___
It’s almost a universal accepted norm that men do not show emotions. Emotions tend to be seen as a weakness and most men do not want to appear weak. They care more about maintaining a macho image of strength. It’s about survival and appearance.
Growing up, I was told “big boys don’t cry!”
No matter what happened, you as a boy, had to suck it up and act as if you had no feelings.
In one sense, I see the wisdom in that. It’s one way of raising boys into men who are being “trained” to one day be there for their family. The thinking behind this is that someone need to be strong when life becomes challenging.
Being emotionally and mentally strong during these times is vitally important. This gives the family a sense of “it’s going to okay.”
With this in mind, when men are engaged in interpersonal communication especially with the opposite sex, they tend to keep this aura of machismo. They want to be strong even when they are hurting. This posture, even though admired by many people, becomes the very thing that they detest during interpersonal communication.
How does a man remain looking strong—macho—while at the same time displaying emotional sensitivity?
I believe these 3 communication tips can help him do the trick.
- Become a better listener
- Use key emotional words
- Know your spouse’s love language
Become a better listener
Becoming a better listener is a learned behavior. It takes intentionality and discipline but it can be done. It is one of the most rewarding skills that anyone can discipline themselves to learn.
When a man learns to be a better listener, he will become more in-tuned with his partner’s needs that are being expressed through verbal and non-verbal communication.
He will learn to become other-centered. If he masters this one aspect of listening, he will begin to open himself emotionally. He will be able to connect what it is they are saying to his own experiences even though he may not express it openly. He has feelings too.
Use key emotional words
Most men need to realize that their partners are the ones who can teach them how to use emotional words. They will use “I feel” over and over and over again. If he listens carefully, having mastered the skill of listening, he will be able to use those same words in speaking to them.
As an example, they may say “I feel that you are not listening to me when I speak to you. You are busy doing other things and I feel like I’m not a priority at those times.”
Even though this is more of their thoughts than feelings, if he listens carefully he might hear that they are sad. As a matter of fact, he might see it on their face.
If he was to respond to them with, “I’m so sorry honey. I didn’t realize you feel that way and that I was doing that. Thanks for letting me know. Please forgive me.”
Even though this sounds un-natural for most relationships, if he was to do that he would get their attention, because he is responding with the issue at hand; staying on topic. He would not be sounding defensive or trying to justify his behavior.
I’ve heard men say, “that’s not how we talk in our relationship.” My response is, “how that’s working out?” Maybe it’s time to learn how to talk this way, which is one of the things I coach my clients to do. It takes a big shif and time.
Based on my years of experience in helping couples do this very thing, I know that if he does this, it would create a path to cracking his emotional shell and to intimacy.
Know your partner’s love language
The term love-language is a fairly new one in that it has probably surfaced over the last decade or so.
It simply means finding what it is that you do that makes your partner feel loved. Based on the book “The 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman, he postulates that there are 5 categories of showing love to your significant other and even to your children.
They are: acts of service, quality time, physical affection, giving of gifts and affirmations. These are generally how most people feel loved.
One of the five is normally the more dominant need in a person’s life and that is how they want to be shown love.
If a man understands what his partner’s love language is and “speaks” that to them, he will be seen as romantic. His partner will also let him know how romantic they think he is.
Hearing this makes him feel good because he is pleasing his partner, which allows the brain to produce “feel-good” hormones. This simple act allows him to “peep” out from behind his emotional shell and confirm that he has that soft-touch.
These 3 simple communication tips when mastered, will not only crack the exterior of a man’s emotional wall but penetrate deep inside to set him free.
Which of these 3 tips do you think is more realistic for you and your relationship? Take a minute and leave your response in the comment section provided.
Photo credit: Getty Images
love sex
Most lists should be labeled, X number of way that will keep a man submissive while maintaining the illusion of macho. Old Jedi mind trick, as most are just pushing him towards wrapping himself around the needs of the other while affording the other opportunity to forgo the work necessary for healthy relationships…assuming the high ground while not realizing they are in a ditch. This is not one of them as they are absolutely valid not only in the obvious, but in doing so without attempt to deconstruct the man, re-box him, but afford him the ability to maintain his… Read more »
Thanks DJ fro your feedback. Yes, it’s true that there seems to be an overarching push to make men into something other than, which I find counterproductive. For me, it’s how can he become better at who he is. I appreciate your insights.