Man Vs Bear: A Low Bar

by Todd Adams

It’s been a thought experiment for several weeks now: a TikTok question that asks, “Would you rather be stuck in a forest with a man or a bear?” With the majority of women answering, “bear.”  When my wife told me about this, my immediate reaction was one of defensiveness and sharing my belief that most men are good and the question itself was completely ridiculous.

After having some time to consider, what do I mean when I say most men are good? I instantly compare my belief of men to the worst-case scenarios—a scary man hiding in the bushes, ready to assault or rape an unsuspecting woman. From this viewpoint, most men are deemed “good” merely by not engaging in reprehensible behavior. This realization highlights the surprisingly low bar I’ve set for evaluating men.

For me, it’s not the question itself, but rather the response that many women out there would prefer to choose a bear instead of a man. This presents an opportunity for me to become curious about their perspective and examine my own defensiveness regarding the question. I asked myself: How have I been a source of fear and insecurity for women in my past? How have I stood by as a bystander instead of stepping in to intervene in a power differential between a man and a woman? As a younger man in college, how did I participate in the objectification of women?

One article I read, written by a man, stated that 80% of total homicide victims are boys or men, with women only accounting for one-tenth of all homicide victims. Is it just me, or did the author forget to include the sex of the perpetrators? Though I have no authority to speak for anybody else, I’m going to do it anyway.

In my experience, the male ego is often too fragile, and any sense of being attacked is met with defensiveness and an overreaction. I certainly have been defensive myself, and I know men are not accustomed to being questioned. We navigate a world systematically constructed for our benefit and success. Does this mean there are no challenges in being or trying to raise a man? Of course not. It’s tough being a human being, regardless of gender, and I don’t want to criticize men. I love and honor being a man, and I enjoy gathering with other men, like during a MenLiving Full House event where we focus on deep connection and full living. Simply put, if given the choice of which gender is better equipped to feel safe and thrive, I’ll choose being a man 10 times out of 10.

At MenLiving, one of the suggestions we offer for leading a more conscious life is to view the world through a lens of curiosity. I acknowledge that I need to work on this myself. If I could have a do-over with my wife, when she mentioned that so many women chose “bear”, I would have asked her to elaborate and then ask about her own experiences that led her to see “bear” as a preferable choice. Instead of assuming I was misunderstood, I would have listened to understand, recognizing that it’s not about me, but about women’s personal experiences. They may be trying to communicate something to us we don’t fully understand or see.

Engaging in this conversation, instead of just being offended and defending my position, would have been yet another opportunity for personal growth and connection. If you’re reading my words now and feeling defensive, perhaps wanting to explain how challenging it is to be a man, please share your thoughts in the comments below. Initially, I might react defensively, but hopefully, I’ll eventually approach it with curiosity. 😊

Resources on the topic:

• I found this video
• We discuss this topic on our ZPR podcast from last week. Click here to read my wife’s perspective about ‘man or bear’ on her most recent Substack post.

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Previously Published on menliving.com and is republished on Medium.

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Photo credit: iStock