Managing Anger — Be Curious - The Good Men Project

“It’s easier to be angry than to be sad. And I guess, when I get older, I forget that there’s a difference.” — Adam Reed from The Adam Project

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Ever wondered why do we get angry?

I always felt that when I’m angry, there is usually an underlying feeling that goes a lot deeper.

Curious?

I started off with these questions:

Anger vs Guilt:

Sometimes I realised that I am angry at myself…when the object of anger is yourself, it is often a more complicated situation…I mean, you can’t exactly shout at yourself? (and you certainly shouldn’t beat yourself up!!)

What do you do then?

How is being angry at yourself different from feeling guilty?

Anger vs Forgiveness:

Sometimes our anger is unresolved…at times like this, I realized that we don’t necessarily need to forgive, and we don’t need to make ourselves forgive. All we need is to accept.

As an adult, I do wish at times that my parents could have given me a more loving childhood.

However, that’s now history. I used to think to move past it, I need to forgive.

What does it take to move past anger?

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Why are we angry?

If you remember from my earlier article about Pixar movie “Inside Out”, I mentioned, “the Happiness Lab” and the resolution of resetting our relationship with negative emotions this year.

Americans can only identify three emotions: happy, sad and pissed off.

Although anger can often get us into trouble if we don’t react appropriately, it turns out that this emotion is in fact an important change agent — telling us that there is something wrong in our environment — and that we need to change it ASAP.

Understanding the sources of anger

“We all think that the brain is controlling the body — but the body is really controlling the brain. 80% of the messaging is body to brain, and not brain to body.”

So…what are the root causes of anger?

According to Therapist Faith Harper, we can sum it up using the acronym “HEN”:

H — Hurt

E — Expectations not met

N — Needs not met

Were your feelings hurt?

Did you have an expectation for them to show up?

Was there emotional neglect in your household? Are you used to having your needs not met?

So…what’s a good strategy to deal with anger?

Instead of judging yourself, start with being curious

OK, so I’m irritated — why?
Hmm…I feel my blood rushing to my head…I wonder what that’s about?
I wonder what’s going on?

Now that we know the reasons and the patterns…

If you’re like me, then you’ll like to have some actionable tips to be able to practice what you’ve learned

Try these techniques:

1. The 90 Second rule:

Anger is a surge of energy that needs to get through you. Instead of trying to resist it, we can let it run its course — without acting immediately on it.

The 90-second rule is a common technique recommended to delay and stop ourselves from doing what felt good at the moment, but rather what is good in the long run.

2. Recognise the patterns that pull your triggers

Commit to paying attention to the circumstances that get my blood boiling — if I can recognize the circumstances ahead of time, I will have a better chance of changing my circumstances that will boost my well being

3. Breathing techniques

In the podcast, the guest mentioned that “We all think that the brain is controlling the body — but the body is really controlling the brain. 80% of the messaging is a body to the brain, and no brain to the body.”

One way to help our bodies calm down is to provide them with the oxygen it needs, and the act of inhaling deeply also has a calming effect.

Remember — Although anger can often get us into trouble if we don’t react appropriately, it turns out that this emotion is in fact an important change agent — telling us that there is something wrong in our environment — and that we need to change it ASAP.

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One thing I love about movies is that it shows us things about ourselves and help us think about it in a NON-JUDGEMENTAL kind of way

Over the weekend, I watched a movie starring Ryan Reynolds titled “The Adam Project”. It’s a movie involving time travel, where two versions of yourself can co-exist in the same time-space, and you get to see a loved one who has passed away whom you love dearly.

In the movie, there’s a scene where Young Adam gave Adult Adam a lesson:

“It’s easier to be angry than to be sad. And I guess, when I get older, I forget that there’s a difference.”

What I liked so much about this scene is that young Adam was the one giving Adult Adam a lesson…even though Adult Adam already knew what was going to happen, and young Adam was supposed to be the naïve and stupid one.

Young Adam: “God, it’s like I traded my brains for those muscles. It’s a s*** deal.”

When it comes to anger: It’s not about getting better — but we can all be better at it.

In the end, as long as we try our best, acknowledge that we are not perfect, but rather all works in progress, we can all get better at it!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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