—
Be present when afraid. Fear doesn’t seem to be located in the present; when you’re present, there is only what is happening. Maybe fear occurs in the memory of the unresolved or incomplete fear from the past or of what has yet to happen, given our prejudices of the future.
Control is a grand illusion, the great seducer. My friend Steve said, “Only the fool thinks that he or she controls anything.” History seems to agree.
I have a say in what I do and who I’m going to be in any moment. Werner Erhard said that there are aspects of me that I have nothing to do with, what I cannot control. These are the aspects that will not change or are by human design. The experience of fear is biological, associated with the survival centers of my brain.
Experiencing fear is very human. Surrender to your fear; don’t fight it. Werner said, “Anything you can let be, lets you be.” I’m more useful being with fear when I distinguish between the aspects of myself I have something to do with—what I can control—and what I have nothing to do with, what I cannot control.
What I have nothing to do with tends to be biological or physiological in design, the law of physics, time and space. My mortality. My physical and mental decline in older age. There’s no choice in these. Ironically, perhaps accepting my limitations is freedom of those limits.
What can I choose? How I live. What makes me happy. Who I am for others. Who I am for myself. I can create my purpose. Make a difference for others.
Freedom arises in my surrender to that which I have nothing to do with. I have a choice in what I have something to do with. That occurs in just moving through life, one step at a time.
I love Mom. She’s 88 years old. She uses a walker and wheelchair. She lives in a seniors’ home that takes great care of her. Mom has dementia and doesn’t remember well. Often, she takes her time to express herself. Gratefully, she still remembers me. As my best friend John instructs, whenever we speak I say goodbye with “I love you, Mom.”
Mom teaches me the mastery of dying with grace, honor, and love. I will miss her whenever that day comes. I surrender to what I have nothing to do with. I look at Mom’s legacy: How will she be remembered? Will I remember the grade school teacher making breakfast for Carol and me every morning? Will I remember the gentle white-haired woman whose hands feel warm in mine?
I think I’ll remember Mom as both, as the whole. When I was afraid she would say, “Jonny, slow down.” To calm my soul. She constantly saw and listened for the greater man within me. I’m the greater man, because of her.
That’s Mom’s legacy for me. She always gave the whole of herself to others, and loved with all her heart. There’s no fear in love. Mom is always in my heart, and her love will always grow.
—
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.