Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
— Jerry Seinfeld, comedian
My son and I come home from Target with a book called The Adventures of Super Diaper Baby, and as soon as we enter the door, Lisa says, “Why would you buy Dominic that book??!!”
See what Seinfeld means?
The board is on fire, the pieces are made of water, and all I have done is come in the door with a book from Target.
I don’t see anything wrong with the book. It is by Dav Pilkey, the author-illustrator of the Captain Underpants and Dog Man series which have combined to sell over 150 million copies worldwide.
I dodge an argument over the literary quality of Captain Underpants, a week passes and my wife takes our son to Target, not to go shopping, but she takes a page from my playbook and they go to just hang out together and— get this! — she buys him three books in the Captain Underpants series.
That’s right, she comes home with three Captain Underpants books after ripping me for buying The Adventures of Super Diaper Baby! She buys him a book with characters such as Professor Poopypants and Lumpy Pottybiscuits after she took offense to the name of Deputy Doo Doo a week ago.
Then she reads a Captain Underpants book with him! Cover to cover.
It happens when Dominic picks out a Captain Underpants book for his bedtime story. I think Lisa will tell him for sure to choose another book, but I hear her say to him, “Okay, we can read one chapter from a Captain Underpants book and one chapter from your devotional.”
I watch as they take turns reading it out loud on the living room sofa, cackling over the pranks by George and Harold, the two fourth-grade protagonists with a penchant for pulling pranks.
She doesn’t even flinch when she reads the words “fake doo doo” and laughs when George and Harold switch the letters on a school sign from “Come in and see our pretty armchairs” to “Come in and see our hairy armpits.”
Dominic looks at his mom as if he wants to pinch her to see if this is a dream.
Something has happened to my wife’s brain! It’s like the alien cafeteria ladies from George and Harold’s elementary school have stolen her brain and replaced it with a brain of a more accepting and tolerant mom who embraces her son’s love for everything Captain Underpants.
Captain Underpants books are hilarious and even a bit satirical, by the way.
I’m sure she would prefer Captain Underpants is not the last book he reads before going to bed. She would prefer it to be something peaceful. A book where the Science teacher doesn’t shrink the school. A story from his Bible or devotional rather than a rollicking romp with super heroes and villains, witty word play and lots of laughs. And I am glad I can now buy him a Captain Underpants book and walk in the door without being accosted.
“Mom, can we watch a Captain Underpants video on YouTube?” Dominic asks after they finish reading Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants. “It’s so funny. You have to see it. You will like it.”
“Please, mom, can we watch the video? I know you will love it. Trust me.”
This is the ultimate test of whether Lisa has changed. She has laughed with him reading Captain Underpants, but I think she will tell Dominic, “No, you remember the deal. We read one chapter from a Captain Underpants book and one chapter from your devotional book.”
But she says yes and I join them on the sofa to watch a bald, middle-age Japanese man cosplay as Captain Underpants, jerking his pelvis in and out to a Captain Underpants song with his cape flapping in the wind while all three of us chant, “Captain Underpants. Underpants, underpants, tra-la-aaa, we love Captain Underpants!”
I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming all of this up.
Then, to top off the evening, Lisa and Dominic engage in a literary conversation about Harold and George’s nerdy nemesis, Melvin Sneedly.
“I think Melvin is seen as this bad guy because he helps Professor Poopypants,” Lisa says. “But Melvin isn’t really bad because he thinks he is doing good.”
It’s like she has said something sac religious to him.
“Mom, Melvin is a bad guy. He helps Principal Krupp catch Harold and George whenever they do pranks. You want to know something else?”
“What?”
“His brain is missing a hahagahalaughfagus.”
“What’s Melvin’s brain missing?”
“A hahagahalaughfagus.”
“A what?”
“A hahagalaughfagus. It’s the part of your brain that makes you laugh.”
Then he seals his argument on Melvin Sneedly.
“Mom, you don’t understand. Melvin never laughs! And he helps Professor Poopypants try to destroy laughter! He can’t be a good guy.”
I think his closing argument is a winner.
“I still like Melvin. Even if he may be a bad guy.”
Check out my YouTube video on my journey as a writer. I talk about why I stopped writing for 15 years.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Our Family (Author)
