Carly Puch can’t wait for the day society stops telling boys to suck it up, to not be a girl, and to stop crying.
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This past weekend I was fortunate enough to attend a musical performance by a friend’s brother. The performance was absolutely great. But what I could not get out of my mind was something that happened at the performance. A family came in with adorable young children that all sat down in front of my table. The family seemed to be meeting other people there.
The kids were all really respectful, a lot less antsy then I would have been at a concert at that young age. One of the young girls, about the age of four, went up to the young boy, about the age of six or seven, who I presume to be her brother, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. It was a simple kind act of sweetness.
It did not faze the young boy, he even started to crack a smile afterwards. But not thirty seconds afterward another adult that was in the group laughed and pointed at the young boy for getting a kiss on the cheek from his sister. Immediately the young boy roughly wiped his cheek off with hand, suddenly looking disgusted. I sat there in disbelief. I wish I could have said something.
The ways in which masculinity manifests is truly intriguing to me. But when I think about gender norms, specifically masculinity, I think about college aged men, because that is the climate I have been in. I forget that the socialization of young people starts the minute they enter the world.
This little boy, smiling at his sister was fine until an adult man-made him embarrassed. Not even another kid, but an adult. An adult who took it upon himself to police two young innocent children. We have to break the cycle. We have to let people grow up with emotions, with the desire for love, the ability to get a kiss on the cheek.
To be fair that man probably meant no harm. He did not understand that one incident could contribute to that little boys understanding of emotion for the rest of his life. Why do we care so much? Why can’t young boys be allowed to show emotion.
This incident reminded me that kids are not the ones who judge. It isn’t kids who wake up one day and decide to bully, to harm others, to be violent. Our surroundings affect us more than we like to think.
The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn – Gloria Steinem
We create reality, we can change it. Let’s unlearn our social expectations, unlearn gender norms. We can allow young boys to cry, we can allow men to show emotion. We have to start now. I can not wait for the day I see more adults encouraging love and compassion for all young people. Stop telling boys to suck it up, to not be a girl, and to stop crying.
This post originally appeared at Carly Puch: Life Through a Feminist Lens. Reprinted with permission.
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Photo: Lauren Hammond/Flickr
Carly, I am sorry you may not have realized how late to this conersation you may be. This topic has been the focus of concerted inquiry since the 80s. I wonder if you see counter examples to the described status quo? I certainly do nearly every single day. The idea of what being a man is has evolved. I wonder if your own biases lead you to see the world through a lens that doesn’t allow you to see male development differently. The status quo will change when our society continues to draw attention to a new exemplar. I suggest… Read more »
This is such an important point. I was teaching preschool on a military base and one of my brightest, friendliest, most helpful guys suddenly would not come in off the playground one day. He was hiding behind a half-wall. I sent the rest of the class in with the other teacher and sat down to talk to him. Come to find his parents were getting divorced, he had been told he would never see his father again, and he had also been told he was not allowed to cry about it. He was hiding because he couldn’t hold his tears… Read more »
More than likely he didn’t think about it at all. It was a male “comment” that came to him “naturally”. I saw this same think from my uncle at Christmas when he commented on his two twin grandchildren’s gift. They were maybe 3. The granddaughter got punk cowboy boots but the grandson got brown ones. He specifically commented on the cowgirl boots for the one. Then changed his tone into that mincing one and asked his grandson if he really wanted the pink one’s too. The little boy just looked at him while dad immediately jumped in and said of… Read more »
To be fair that man probably meant no harm. He did not understand that one incident could contribute to that little boys understanding of emotion for the rest of his life. Why do we care so much? Why can’t young boys be allowed to show emotion.
While it is possible that he meant no harm its also very possible that he knew that one incident could contribute to that boy’s understanding of emotion for the rest of his life and did that for the exact reason of impressing upon him.
Good observation Carly. But did any of the women see this exchange? And if so did any of them chastise the man who did this? If so then I am heartened. If not then they are even more at fault for perpetuating this masculine indoctrination. I’ve come to the conclusion that if we want boys to grow up to be different than it will be the women who will put a stop to this, be the change that the feminists want to see. There are too many supportive messages that the men, even those that want the change face an… Read more »